Are there moments when you regret marrying your spouse (as opposed to just...

[Anonymous]

...wishing you weren't married to him or her in that moment)?

My husband is usually quite amiable but he does have an explosive, irrational and unpredictable temper. Last night he really frightened me by screaming at me, out of the blue, over something that may have slightly annoyed a rational person but did not warrant a blowup. (I was vacuuming, which was making the lights dim slightly while he was in the shower. He seemed to think this was somehow going to electrocute him, even though there are no outlets, light or appliances anywhere near the tub.) It was over in a matter of seconds, then he seemed to have forgotten it. It is worth mentioning that he suffers from OCD.

We have been trying to have a child and in the moments when he goes off the rails like this I don't just think, "What an ass," I go into this spiral of, "I should not have married him. I cannot bring a child into this environment. I'm going to be alone now because I have to leave this marriage, and I will never have children." We are getting ready to start our second round of IVF and last night I seriously thought about kicking him out, acquiring some donor sperm and having a child on my own - even though there's no way I could afford it alone.

I left the house for the evening and almost checked into a hotel, though I did eventually come home. We basically went to sleep without speaking, aside from a half-assed apology, and barely said a word to one another this morning. Usually he's more contrite but this time not so much. He thinks I'm too sensitive and doesn't seem to think there's much wrong with blowing up at people when (he thinks) it's warranted. I've always thought of him as a good person who sometimes acts like a jerk; lately I'm wondering if it's actually the other way around.

I know most of you are going to tell me to just get a divorce, but I'd appreciate some alternative advice. Or just a virtual hug. I needed to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...wishing you weren't married to him or her in that moment)?

My husband is usually quite amiable but he does have an explosive, irrational and unpredictable temper. Last night he really frightened me by screaming at me, out of the blue, over something that may have slightly annoyed a rational person but did not warrant a blowup. (I was vacuuming, which was making the lights dim slightly while he was in the shower. He seemed to think this was somehow going to electrocute him, even though there are no outlets, light or appliances anywhere near the tub.) It was over in a matter of seconds, then he seemed to have forgotten it. It is worth mentioning that he suffers from OCD.

We have been trying to have a child and in the moments when he goes off the rails like this I don't just think, "What an ass," I go into this spiral of, "I should not have married him. I cannot bring a child into this environment. I'm going to be alone now because I have to leave this marriage, and I will never have children." We are getting ready to start our second round of IVF and last night I seriously thought about kicking him out, acquiring some donor sperm and having a child on my own - even though there's no way I could afford it alone.

I left the house for the evening and almost checked into a hotel, though I did eventually come home. We basically went to sleep without speaking, aside from a half-assed apology, and barely said a word to one another this morning. Usually he's more contrite but this time not so much. He thinks I'm too sensitive and doesn't seem to think there's much wrong with blowing up at people when (he thinks) it's warranted. I've always thought of him as a good person who sometimes acts like a jerk; lately I'm wondering if it's actually the other way around.

I know most of you are going to tell me to just get a divorce, but I'd appreciate some alternative advice. Or just a virtual hug. I needed to vent.

I have a husband like this and I will tell you this: Do not bring children into this situation until your husband has had behavioral therapy to help him change this pattern. Blowing up at people for minor things is not acceptable and it is hell when there are children involved. Hell. (I know from personal experience.)

It is not normal and it is not a healthy environment for children.

To answer your question: I regret marrying my husband every day. My regret increased exponentially when we had children.

[Anonymous]

Please, please, don't bring a child into this situation.

[Anonymous]

::Virtual hug::

(And advice to leave now; it will only get worse after children.)

[Anonymous]

You have red flags galore, know you do yet you still dream of making a baby with someone ready to explode.

If you stay with him, you will regret it.

[Anonymous]

How is his OCD being treated? That is a very irrational complaint and it makes me think his anxiety is completely out of control.

[Anonymous]

I thought my SO was a good guy who could be a jerk sometimes, but like you, I now think it's the other way around too. We are engaged and have a baby. Love my child more than anything but definitely regret staying with him after all the red flags I saw along the way before we got here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is his OCD being treated? That is a very irrational complaint and it makes me think his anxiety is completely out of control.

He sees a psychologist every month or two, but it's gotten bad lately so he's ready to consider medication. But he's reached this point mostly because it impedes his ability to work; I'm not sure he believes that the anger is related or even much of a problem outside of our relationship (i.e., it would be fine if I wasn't upset by it). He is horrified at the thought that anyone could think of him as a bully, but he can be one for sure.

We were already planning for me to accompany him to his next therapy appointment this week.

Someone please tell me that medication can help...

[Anonymous]

I think medication is worth a serious shot. High anxiety can lead to anger and lashing out. Going to his next therapy appointment is a great plan.

I know you won't like to hear this, but I would put IVF on hold for now. And I think that's good not only because you won't be bringing a child in until you feel on more certain footing, but also because it will show him how serious this issue is.

[Anonymous]

For women with these guys with unpredictable tempers -- this is kind of a shot in the dark, but is there a pattern as to how they treat guys with less physical or social power than them?

My hypothesis is that women can avoid abusive relationships by avoiding guys who are consistently dicks to guys who are weaker than they are. (My guess is that they take more effort to put on a nice face for women and guys who are stronger than them.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is his OCD being treated? That is a very irrational complaint and it makes me think his anxiety is completely out of control.

He sees a psychologist every month or two, but it's gotten bad lately so he's ready to consider medication. But he's reached this point mostly because it impedes his ability to work; I'm not sure he believes that the anger is related or even much of a problem outside of our relationship (i.e., it would be fine if I wasn't upset by it). He is horrified at the thought that anyone could think of him as a bully, but he can be one for sure.

We were already planning for me to accompany him to his next therapy appointment this week.

Someone please tell me that medication can help...

Does he understand that his behavior is not normal and poses problems in his relationships? Accepting and wanting to change that is the first order of business.

[Anonymous]

Medication won't cure his anger hon. Don't be a fool.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I think it is normal to question your choices even years later. I don't miss my spouse when spouse isn't around. Happier when spouse is near.

[Anonymous]

^^Is not near.^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think medication is worth a serious shot. High anxiety can lead to anger and lashing out. Going to his next therapy appointment is a great plan.

I know you won't like to hear this, but I would put IVF on hold for now. And I think that's good not only because you won't be bringing a child in until you feel on more certain footing, but also because it will show him how serious this issue is.

Unfortunately we are sort of out of time on IVF. We did one round and discovered my eggs are mostly bad; we chose to do a second round ASAP to make embryos from whatever good eggs are left. I think delaying embryo transfer would be for the best now (we are only doing frozen transfers anyway so there is time). But we have to make the embryos now or never.