Are there moments when you regret marrying your spouse (as opposed to just...

[Anonymous]

Zoloft may help

[Anonymous]

Woman here who suffers from OCD and GAD. Irritability was a big problem for me before I started taking meds. In times of great stress, it turned to anger and me snapping a lot at DH and, occasionally, child. What happens is that everyone starts walking on eggshells around me and that is a very bad thing to happen to a child. It's really, according to my therapist, one of the worse environments a child can grow up in. However, when I take my meds on time, my irritability is markedly different. Not that I skip down the street singing happy songs, but I the anger greatly subsides. The key here, however, is that I have to take my meds, which can be difficult b/c OCD is not a one drug treatable condition. It usually involves a cocktail of different types (including off label). So, he has to be very committed to treatment. And, I will say, that lots of people throw out, "I'm so OCD!" Uh, no you're not. Really having it is hell. My advice is avoid pregnancy until he has been in treatment - meds AND talk therapy - for at least 6-9 months. He needs to understand his patterns, why/how he developed OCD as a coping mechanism, and to begin to undo the detrimental patterns he has in place.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. I am going through ivf with my husband and I understand the challenges it can bring to a marriage. Have the issues only started once you went down the IVF path? If so try to remember that when things get crazy. Perhaps take a 6 month break to rekindle the marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP, everybody has red flags. The question always is, is the flag a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. I am going through ivf with my husband and I understand the challenges it can bring to a marriage. Have the issues only started once you went down the IVF path? If so try to remember that when things get crazy. Perhaps take a 6 month break to rekindle the marriage?

+1. I was going to ask just this. Infertility can be a HUGE strain on a marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for the helpful replies (especially the OCD sufferer at 11:58).

The heartbreaking thing about this is that if he could see himself through my eyes in those bad moments, he would be horrified and feel so, so terrible. For him, when the storm passes it's over and he doesn't remember it being all that bad.

One time I recorded him ranting (he had consented to this at an earlier date) and played it back for him later, when he was calm. He was deeply ashamed. He takes so much pride in being a morally upstanding "good person." If he could only see and hear himself in those moments...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. I am going through ivf with my husband and I understand the challenges it can bring to a marriage. Have the issues only started once you went down the IVF path? If so try to remember that when things get crazy. Perhaps take a 6 month break to rekindle the marriage?

+1. I was going to ask just this. Infertility can be a HUGE strain on a marriage.

We conceived three times on our own and lost them all - one in the sixth month. So there has been a lot of sadness and frustration, but he seems to get over it very quickly and move on with his life. Which is normal for a man, I think; it's not his body. He wants SO much to be a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for the helpful replies (especially the OCD sufferer at 11:58).

The heartbreaking thing about this is that if he could see himself through my eyes in those bad moments, he would be horrified and feel so, so terrible. For him, when the storm passes it's over and he doesn't remember it being all that bad.

One time I recorded him ranting (he had consented to this at an earlier date) and played it back for him later, when he was calm. He was deeply ashamed. He takes so much pride in being a morally upstanding "good person." If he could only see and hear himself in those moments...

Record him on your phone and play it back when he is calm again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for the helpful replies (especially the OCD sufferer at 11:58).

The heartbreaking thing about this is that if he could see himself through my eyes in those bad moments, he would be horrified and feel so, so terrible. For him, when the storm passes it's over and he doesn't remember it being all that bad.

One time I recorded him ranting (he had consented to this at an earlier date) and played it back for him later, when he was calm. He was deeply ashamed. He takes so much pride in being a morally upstanding "good person." If he could only see and hear himself in those moments...

Record him on your phone and play it back when he is calm again.

Play it back in the presence of the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here who suffers from OCD and GAD. Irritability was a big problem for me before I started taking meds. In times of great stress, it turned to anger and me snapping a lot at DH and, occasionally, child. What happens is that everyone starts walking on eggshells around me and that is a very bad thing to happen to a child. It's really, according to my therapist, one of the worse environments a child can grow up in. However, when I take my meds on time, my irritability is markedly different. Not that I skip down the street singing happy songs, but I the anger greatly subsides. The key here, however, is that I have to take my meds, which can be difficult b/c OCD is not a one drug treatable condition. It usually involves a cocktail of different types (including off label). So, he has to be very committed to treatment. And, I will say, that lots of people throw out, "I'm so OCD!" Uh, no you're not. Really having it is hell. My advice is avoid pregnancy until he has been in treatment - meds AND talk therapy - for at least 6-9 months. He needs to understand his patterns, why/how he developed OCD as a coping mechanism, and to begin to undo the detrimental patterns he has in place.

Holy cow, this is me! I thought everyone got angry at their families when stressed. Is that really not typical? Maybe I need meds.

[Anonymous]

Medication won't help.

If he gets screaming angry over lights dimming from vacuuming, imagine what he will be like when the house gets messy, baby keeps everyone up, things don't go according to HIS way.

No amount of drugs will help that. I know everyone here thinks being doped up on something will make life better but it won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here who suffers from OCD and GAD. Irritability was a big problem for me before I started taking meds. In times of great stress, it turned to anger and me snapping a lot at DH and, occasionally, child. What happens is that everyone starts walking on eggshells around me and that is a very bad thing to happen to a child. It's really, according to my therapist, one of the worse environments a child can grow up in. However, when I take my meds on time, my irritability is markedly different. Not that I skip down the street singing happy songs, but I the anger greatly subsides. The key here, however, is that I have to take my meds, which can be difficult b/c OCD is not a one drug treatable condition. It usually involves a cocktail of different types (including off label). So, he has to be very committed to treatment. And, I will say, that lots of people throw out, "I'm so OCD!" Uh, no you're not. Really having it is hell. My advice is avoid pregnancy until he has been in treatment - meds AND talk therapy - for at least 6-9 months. He needs to understand his patterns, why/how he developed OCD as a coping mechanism, and to begin to undo the detrimental patterns he has in place.

Holy cow, this is me! I thought everyone got angry at their families when stressed. Is that really not typical? Maybe I need meds.

Does your husband yell back when you yell at him? How about the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here who suffers from OCD and GAD. Irritability was a big problem for me before I started taking meds. In times of great stress, it turned to anger and me snapping a lot at DH and, occasionally, child. What happens is that everyone starts walking on eggshells around me and that is a very bad thing to happen to a child. It's really, according to my therapist, one of the worse environments a child can grow up in. However, when I take my meds on time, my irritability is markedly different. Not that I skip down the street singing happy songs, but I the anger greatly subsides. The key here, however, is that I have to take my meds, which can be difficult b/c OCD is not a one drug treatable condition. It usually involves a cocktail of different types (including off label). So, he has to be very committed to treatment. And, I will say, that lots of people throw out, "I'm so OCD!" Uh, no you're not. Really having it is hell. My advice is avoid pregnancy until he has been in treatment - meds AND talk therapy - for at least 6-9 months. He needs to understand his patterns, why/how he developed OCD as a coping mechanism, and to begin to undo the detrimental patterns he has in place.

Holy cow, this is me! I thought everyone got angry at their families when stressed. Is that really not typical? Maybe I need meds.

Does your husband yell back when you yell at him? How about the kids?

No, my husband gives me the silent treatment and the kids just ignore me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, everybody has red flags. The question always is, is the flag a deal breaker?

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...wishing you weren't married to him or her in that moment)?

My husband is usually quite amiable but he does have an explosive, irrational and unpredictable temper. Last night he really frightened me by screaming at me, out of the blue, over something that may have slightly annoyed a rational person but did not warrant a blowup. (I was vacuuming, which was making the lights dim slightly while he was in the shower. He seemed to think this was somehow going to electrocute him, even though there are no outlets, light or appliances anywhere near the tub.) It was over in a matter of seconds, then he seemed to have forgotten it. It is worth mentioning that he suffers from OCD.

We have been trying to have a child and in the moments when he goes off the rails like this I don't just think, "What an ass," I go into this spiral of, "I should not have married him. I cannot bring a child into this environment. I'm going to be alone now because I have to leave this marriage, and I will never have children." We are getting ready to start our second round of IVF and last night I seriously thought about kicking him out, acquiring some donor sperm and having a child on my own - even though there's no way I could afford it alone.

I left the house for the evening and almost checked into a hotel, though I did eventually come home. We basically went to sleep without speaking, aside from a half-assed apology, and barely said a word to one another this morning. Usually he's more contrite but this time not so much. He thinks I'm too sensitive and doesn't seem to think there's much wrong with blowing up at people when (he thinks) it's warranted. I've always thought of him as a good person who sometimes acts like a jerk; lately I'm wondering if it's actually the other way around.

I know most of you are going to tell me to just get a divorce, but I'd appreciate some alternative advice. Or just a virtual hug. I needed to vent.

I have a husband like this and I will tell you this: Do not bring children into this situation until your husband has had behavioral therapy to help him change this pattern. Blowing up at people for minor things is not acceptable and it is hell when there are children involved. Hell. (I know from personal experience.)

It is not normal and it is not a healthy environment for children.

To answer your question: I regret marrying my husband every day. My regret increased exponentially when we had children.

+2, I have the same situation and I regret it every day. Adding a child makes is so much harder. I wish you the very best and sending you a virtual hug.