I am holding myself back

[Anonymous]

How do I change my energy?

I've met a wonderful man who treats me with respect, makes me laugh, great in bed, similar interests and values. What we don't exactly share though is he is much more cautious in relationships and wants to take things slow. His taking-things-slow is triggering a going-to-get-hurt flight response from my gut. We are in a committed, exclusive relationship but he said some very awkward not-my-girlfriend comments at a party. I should be patient, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I change my energy?

I've met a wonderful man who treats me with respect, makes me laugh, great in bed, similar interests and values. What we don't exactly share though is he is much more cautious in relationships and wants to take things slow. His taking-things-slow is triggering a going-to-get-hurt flight response from my gut. We are in a committed, exclusive relationship but he said some very awkward not-my-girlfriend comments at a party. I should be patient, yes?

No. If you're sleeping with him and he won't call you his girlfriend and you're exclusive, then it's a huge red flag that he doesn't want you known as his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp. he is a grown up. You are in an exclusive relationship that includes sex and he makes " not my girlfriend" comments to other people?!? What are you then, his fu:$ buddy?

[Anonymous]

I would not presume that just because a woman is sleeping with me she considers me her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

What were the comments? That would hurt my feelings too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were the comments? That would hurt my feelings too, OP.

The question was posed, "how long have you been..." And he interrupted and said "...hanging out?"

For what it is worth he wasn't hiding that we were together, he explained to the questioner that he we haven't been seeing each other that long and he is slow to move in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the comments? That would hurt my feelings too, OP.

The question was posed, "how long have you been..." And he interrupted and said "...hanging out?"

For what it is worth he wasn't hiding that we were together, he explained to the questioner that he we haven't been seeing each other that long and he is slow to move in relationships.

How long have you been seeing each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the comments? That would hurt my feelings too, OP.

The question was posed, "how long have you been..." And he interrupted and said "...hanging out?"

For what it is worth he wasn't hiding that we were together, he explained to the questioner that he we haven't been seeing each other that long and he is slow to move in relationships.

How long have you been seeing each other?

6 weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the comments? That would hurt my feelings too, OP.

The question was posed, "how long have you been..." And he interrupted and said "...hanging out?"

For what it is worth he wasn't hiding that we were together, he explained to the questioner that he we haven't been seeing each other that long and he is slow to move in relationships.

How long have you been seeing each other?

6 weeks

Oh, that changes my perception a little -- 6 weeks isn't long at all. Though I agree that his reaction was awkward, as was his apparent need to explain your status at a party...it reflects that he's not comfortable claiming you as his girlfriend yet, despite the fact that you're exclusive and sleeping together. BUT again, 6 weeks is a short period of time.. If he's still doing this in 3-6 months that would be more of a concern.

But this is a good reminder to take a breath and realize that you're still in the getting-to-know-you stage. Not a bad thing to slow down a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the comments? That would hurt my feelings too, OP.

The question was posed, "how long have you been..." And he interrupted and said "...hanging out?"

For what it is worth he wasn't hiding that we were together, he explained to the questioner that he we haven't been seeing each other that long and he is slow to move in relationships.

How long have you been seeing each other?

6 weeks

Oh, that changes my perception a little -- 6 weeks isn't long at all. Though I agree that his reaction was awkward, as was his apparent need to explain your status at a party...it reflects that he's not comfortable claiming you as his girlfriend yet, despite the fact that you're exclusive and sleeping together. BUT again, 6 weeks is a short period of time.. If he's still doing this in 3-6 months that would be more of a concern.

But this is a good reminder to take a breath and realize that you're still in the getting-to-know-you stage. Not a bad thing to slow down a bit.

Thank you for the reality check.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and lasted a year and happened to my best friend and lasted 9 months. By the time the guys were "ready" to properly claim us, we had already moved on. It's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

I have been in situations like this before and my gut now is that if he was really into you he would not have a problem with a gf label. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, your guys sounds great, if not a little gun shy. To me, that is better than someone you just met who is all over you talking about marriage (those red flags are usually bigger). Six weeks is not long at all. If you have had the "exclusive having sex" convos for safety, that's great. But if he is not ready to use the BF/GF label now, then I would cut him so slack. Sounds like he has burned, badly, before and is cautious.

If you really like him and see some good potential, then hold off a bit. If you force things with the constant "what are weeee" discussion after he explicitly told you he needs time to move into things, you will probably push him away. Agree with PP that if this is still the case in another few months, then I would walk. It is too soon to see whether or not he is a true commitment-phobe at six weeks.

[Anonymous]

If he was really into you, he would want people to know you were his girlfriend. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

My now DH and I took things slowly as well. At 3 weeks we agreed to be exclusive but we didn't have the boyfriend/girlfriend label. At his birthday party, about 5 or so weeks after we started dating, we were asked by the bartender if I was his "girlfriend" and we both sort of awkwardly hemmed and hawed and finally said, "Um, we're dating," and left it at that.

I can't even remember when we agreed to label each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. It just felt natural after awhile.

Just wanted to throw another story out there that has a happy ending.