Teen wants to move in with other parent

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has been raising his now 15 year old daughter on his own pretty much her whole life. Her mom had a drug problem and that was more important to her than her child. About a year and a half ago, his daughter got in touch with her mother who's now clean and has married and had other kids. They've gotten close during this time. She told my friend the other day that she wants to move in with her mom to get to know her better. My friend is obviously devastated. What kind of advice can I give him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine has been raising his now 15 year old daughter on his own pretty much her whole life. Her mom had a drug problem and that was more important to her than her child. About a year and a half ago, his daughter got in touch with her mother who's now clean and has married and had other kids. They've gotten close during this time. She told my friend the other day that she wants to move in with her mom to get to know her better. My friend is obviously devastated. What kind of advice can I give him?

I would suggest that he request that the daughter visit a few times to see if that's really what she would want. Also, he needs to talk to a lawyer. Most people think that teens are allowed to decide, but that's not true, especially in a case where one parent wasn't competent for years.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't mean giving up legal custody, and he should not do so.

I would contact a lawyer and a therapist, but I would think that saying "no" would only backfire.

[Anonymous]

With Mom's prior history and the fact that she moved on in her life with little effort made to contact her daughter, I would suggest Dad legally only set up visitation times which if they go well for DD and for MOM might be extended in number on weekends, holidays and possibly in length during the summer, but keep the usual rhythm of his daughter's life intact by having her continue to live with him during the week/school year to complete her high school educaiton. His DD does not realize the amount of change she would be dealing with if she just went to a Mom she has probably fantasized as just ideal and also a new school and trying to fit in and make friends. And this also does not include how she would mesh with her younger half-siblings and step Dad. Whatever he does in terms of visitation, I would agree DD also ought to be seeing a therapist to have an outlet for the pressures she might feel even in just visiting. DD could let her know that once she completes high school, she could make whatever decision she wants as to where she lives and with whom. Mom has not indicated the willingness,ability or stability to deal with this teenage daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is so hard. I'm waiting for the day this happens (we have a 13 year old). A friend of mine's daughter said the same thing, and went to live with her dad for a while. And then she came back, and then she launched.

My advice: no matter how crappy it makes your friend feel, no matter how much he wants to emotionally punish her, save it for friends & therapists. It's hard for teens, too, and even though it feels like rejection, they still need us to parent, and they still love you.

I think the suggestion to go for some shorter visits first is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is so hard. I'm waiting for the day this happens (we have a 13 year old). A friend of mine's daughter said the same thing, and went to live with her dad for a while. And then she came back, and then she launched.

My advice: no matter how crappy it makes your friend feel, no matter how much he wants to emotionally punish her, save it for friends & therapists. It's hard for teens, too, and even though it feels like rejection, they still need us to parent, and they still love you.

I think the suggestion to go for some shorter visits first is a good one.

She's been spending one weekend a month over there for the last six months. My friend doesn't want to let her move in, but he doesn't want her to rebel if he tells her no.

[Anonymous]

A longer stretch, like a whole week over the summer, might give her a clearer picture of what it would be like day in, day out. She may still want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Would she have to change schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would she have to change schools?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would she have to change schools?

Yes.

What is the difference in quality/services/advanced programs/college placement etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would she have to change schools?

Yes.

What is the difference in quality/services/advanced programs/college placement etc?

Her mom lives in the Virginia Beach area so I really don't know how the schools are there. Her dad lives in Germantown and she currently attends Northwest High School (again, I don't know much about the school).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine has been raising his now 15 year old daughter on his own pretty much her whole life. Her mom had a drug problem and that was more important to her than her child. About a year and a half ago, his daughter got in touch with her mother who's now clean and has married and had other kids. They've gotten close during this time. She told my friend the other day that she wants to move in with her mom to get to know her better. My friend is obviously devastated. What kind of advice can I give him?

That although he doesn't have to let her move in with the mother (absent a court order which seems hard to imagine), he should not stand in the way of their relationship. The daughter is getting old enough to know what she wants from the mother - and she certainly knows the mother wasn't there before -- and nothing he can do could or should stop that. So, some longer visitation, etc for a year or so then reassess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would she have to change schools?

Yes.

What is the difference in quality/services/advanced programs/college placement etc?

Her mom lives in the Virginia Beach area so I really don't know how the schools are there. Her dad lives in Germantown and she currently attends Northwest High School (again, I don't know much about the school).

From what I have heard from friends in the area VA beach schools are very hit and miss.

[Anonymous]

Check out the great schools ratings as a starting point to assess schools.

I would encourage staying put during the school year and longer visits on breaks.

[Anonymous]

How about a summer job working at the beach staying with other parent?