When a "good thing" happens to your teen that you did not want to happen...

[Anonymous]

DD is 16 and has been in ballet since she was three. This summer she has been accepted into a summer intensive ballet program away from home. It is a good thing in the sense that it was a highly, highly competitive program and DD really wanted to get in. In a million years, I never suspected that she would be accepted or I would have tried to put the brakes on this. It is a bad thing for me because I fear her falling into eating disorders (being with ballet dancers and away from home for the first time) and I simply never suspected that it was possible for her to have a future in a field like ballet.

She is going (leaves on Sunday) but I was wondering how other parents deal with kids who may excel in something they simply didn't want them to excel in! And also, most importantly, what can I do to make sure she is staying healthy while she is away?

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your concerns, OP. You sound like a thoughtful and caring parent because you're trying to balance your concerns with your daughter's ambitions. We've gone through something similar, and what I did was sit down and have a good talk with my teen. I let her know we were thrilled for this opportunity for her but also concerned about certain things she might encounter. I let her know her father and I were behind her in whatever way she needed -- she could call or text us any time if she was feeling uncertain or just wanted to talk. While away I did regular check ins but tried not to be a helicopter mom. It all worked out, and I learned that we had a very grounded and sensible child who could hold her own in a very challenging environment.

[Anonymous]

I do not know. My DS was accepted at TJ and I have been worried ever since. The best I can say is keep a close watch. Look into any injury very closely and remember that she will not tell you everything about being injured, so it is up to you to use your mothers instinct to see if there is a problem. I understand -- we NEVER thought. Us and 4000 other kids applied ...

[Anonymous]

Ooh tough spot Mom. My mom made my sister quit ballet around that age. Her teacher was pushing professional classes and programs etc. I'm sure sis was PO'd at the time, but I think we would all agree it was the right decision. I will steer my dd away from ballet even earlier than that. It's not just the eating disorders- it's terrible for your body especially feet.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. For us it was DS and ACTING. He got into drama in high school and even quit all his beloved sports except baseball to be in high school plays. When he told us he wanted to be a theater major when he was a sophomore in high school, we said fine - but only if he got into NYU's Tisch or Yale drama. Never in a zillion years thinking that he would get into either... Well he worked his tail off in high school and got into both.

Now we are paying close to 75K a year to have our son be a waiter after graduation.

But he is happy and loves his life. We support him in his ambitions but do not put any pressure on him and leave him space to change his mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD could fall into an eating disorder while she's at home too.

Don't let your fears overwhelm you. Enjoy your DD's success.

[Anonymous]

My younger brother has a truly beautiful singing voice and loves theater. However, my mother strongly steered him to major in History at a top university instead of music and then pressured him into going to law school. He is now a miserable and lonely attorney but does own his own condo (so my mother feels she was right in pushing him away from his "bliss").

Let your daughter make her own decisions now. Be there to support her and let her know that it is okay to fail. If she chooses ballet, do everything you can to help her realize her potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. For us it was DS and ACTING. He got into drama in high school and even quit all his beloved sports except baseball to be in high school plays. When he told us he wanted to be a theater major when he was a sophomore in high school, we said fine - but only if he got into NYU's Tisch or Yale drama. Never in a zillion years thinking that he would get into either... Well he worked his tail off in high school and got into both.

Now we are paying close to 75K a year to have our son be a waiter after graduation.

But he is happy and loves his life. We support him in his ambitions but do not put any pressure on him and leave him space to change his mind.

It's ok, PP. My DH went to Yale Drama and now he's very happy as a government lawyer-- GS 15!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. For us it was DS and ACTING. He got into drama in high school and even quit all his beloved sports except baseball to be in high school plays. When he told us he wanted to be a theater major when he was a sophomore in high school, we said fine - but only if he got into NYU's Tisch or Yale drama. Never in a zillion years thinking that he would get into either... Well he worked his tail off in high school and got into both.

Now we are paying close to 75K a year to have our son be a waiter after graduation.

But he is happy and loves his life. We support him in his ambitions but do not put any pressure on him and leave him space to change his mind.

Not necessarily. If he comes back to the DC area, Washington DC has the second largest number of professional theaters to NYC. Although it may not be extremely high paying work, there are many, many professional actors in the DC area that are working in the field. Even if he has to come back and live in your basement, he can get his foot in the door and once you start working and the very small community starts to know you, you get more work. It's not an easy life, but there is work for those who have the talent, work hard, and find the opportunities. I know hundreds who work professionally in the DC area in theater.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. I am certain that TJ is not a good environment for my daughter but she got in and wants to go. I don't know how to stop this train before there's a wreck. I hope all my instincts are wrong about this one but I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have not read the other replies.
I would encourage you to share your concerns with her as much as you can in an appropriate way, to avoid being the mom who can never feel happy or proud for her DD (I am not saying that this is who you are).
I grew up with a mom who never felt proud of me, my achievements, shared my happiness, nothing. I still don't know why. I know you are not like that, but it is confusing when you feel v happy and your mom can't even let a smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger brother has a truly beautiful singing voice and loves theater. However, my mother strongly steered him to major in History at a top university instead of music and then pressured him into going to law school. He is now a miserable and lonely attorney but does own his own condo (so my mother feels she was right in pushing him away from his "bliss").

Let your daughter make her own decisions now. Be there to support her and let her know that it is okay to fail. If she chooses ballet, do everything you can to help her realize her potential.

If he has the time, the DC area is actually an excellent place for those with the theater bug, even those who have other careers. First, this area has one of the largest nation-wide regional centers for amateur acting. To get an idea of the number of local amateur theaters, you can visit http://www.srbnet.com and see some of the many, many community theaters in the DC, VA and MD areas. Second, if he can devote the time, there are many local and regional professional theaters that often look for new blood. But, you have to be able to commit the time. Because there are many, many professional actors in the DC area who also work day jobs, the DC area theater community is much better than many others in setting up rehearsal times during evenings and weekends. Not all theaters do this, but many do. The DC region has had many, many people start out in the community theater, then slowly move into the lesser known professional venues and then move to the more well known venues. Eric Schaeffer (director, producer, artistic director Signature Theater) and Donna Migliacci (Helen Hayes award winning actress) the co-founders of Signature theater both started out in community theater, then moved into professional theater and then started Signature which is now one of the largest and most respected regional theaters in the country. I know many dozens of performers who have gone this route including one friend who is a government lawyer. He went through community theater, I met him in a production we were both in, then he slowly got jobs in smaller professional theaters and finally got cast in a fantastic production at Signature Theater. He was nominated and won the Helen Hayes award for best supporting actor in that production and now works occasionally in local regional theater, while still maintaining his day job as a government lawyer. I know a couple of other lawyers (not government) who perform in local community theater, but don't have the time to try out for professional work. There are options available for those of us who had the bug, but for one reason or another, pursued another career option.

[Anonymous]

Usually those summer ballet programs have several professional nutritionists that meet and observe the students. Especially at the teen level - they often have classes about healthy eating and making good choices. In fact, in my experience as a ballet instructor - girls who attend summer programs with so much support are less likely to fall into issues than those who do not. I would contact the program and ask what they do to encourage healthy habits as well as talk to your DD. She will learn so much and have fun - this is a good thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually those summer ballet programs have several professional nutritionists that meet and observe the students. Especially at the teen level - they often have classes about healthy eating and making good choices. In fact, in my experience as a ballet instructor - girls who attend summer programs with so much support are less likely to fall into issues than those who do not. I would contact the program and ask what they do to encourage healthy habits as well as talk to your DD. She will learn so much and have fun - this is a good thing!

Amen to this post!

OP, check out the curriculum for this program in more detail. Because you seem to fear the effect ballet might have on your child, I wonder if you are possibly not delving into the details of this program much and have some blinders on about it. Any chance of that? Ask them just what the PP says. You might find that the program is keenly aware of the health issues that many young ballerinas face. Also ask her teachers at the studio she attends here what they think of the issues you raise. They might be familiar with this program and even know some of the teachers at the summer program; if so, they can reassure you.

My daughter also takes extensive ballet. Not quite old enough to apply to summer intensives at ballet companies or the major schools. But I do understand your concern about whether the competitiveness required to get into this program is reflected in competitiveness (and some potential attendant bad habits) during the program. If you've already set a good foundation with her about being healthy, and she has shown no signs of any eating issues or body image issues before now--it's not very likely that an intensive of several weeks will derail her.

If the studio she attends all year is a good one with experienced, solid, realistic instructors, and the atmosphere at the studio is one of cooperation more than competitiveness, then remember: She spends most of her time in that positive atmosphere, and that trumps anything negative she might experience at a summer intensive.

Also, OP, you mention that your child is excelling at "something [I] simply didn't want [her] to excel at." Is there some other reason you don't want her dancing, besides a fear of an eating disorder? Or is there maybe some history for you, personally, with eating disorders or friends of yours who experienced them? Or were there other activities that you, yourself, enjoy and that you had hoped she'd want to do, but she has chosen dance and you feel somewhat hurt by that if you really think about it? I just suggest that because I wondered at the emphasis in your post on just eating disorders, and wondered if there was more behind your worry that you might want to explore. If your daughter is happy when she's dancing --maybe you can reassess why you are fearful of something that makes her happy and actually keeps her fit.

Please don't get tangled up in discussions here about "she'll be living with you forever while she tries to make it as a professional." That's getting way, way ahead of things. Going to a summer intensive is an honor and provides a lot of experience but does not necessarily mean she's headed for a career in dance. Intensives are full of dancers who stop after high school, or continue to dance just for pleasure, or, yes, those who go on to study and teach it, or to dance professionally. No need to fret over that choice now. She's off to have one great, new experience in this one summer, and if you can think through why it bothers you so deeply, maybe you can figure a way to be happy for her, even though you didn't expect her to love dance this much.

[Anonymous]

I know this is probably viewed as anti-American but I never wanted my boys to be good in sports. Of course I wanted them to have fun outside but my experiences with high school and college jocks was never positive nor was what I read about parents of kids in competitive sports. I never wanted them to fall in love with something they were simply not good enough to do professionally and encounter that disappointment so young.

So what happened? How did I end up with two college-recruited baseball players? Both of my boys loved baseball more than life itself from the time they were two-years-old. Watching baseball, reading about baseball and playing baseball. They were born that way and DH and I had no choice but to support their passion and put all the time and money we could associated with raising an ball player. I doubt either will make it to the major leagues but at least they both are getting great college educations and hopefully will be ready to deal with the disappointment of not making it.

I wish both had loved a different path. I hate to think that their first life goal was crushed at 22.