When a "good thing" happens to your teen that you did not want to happen...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. For us it was DS and ACTING. He got into drama in high school and even quit all his beloved sports except baseball to be in high school plays. When he told us he wanted to be a theater major when he was a sophomore in high school, we said fine - but only if he got into NYU's Tisch or Yale drama. Never in a zillion years thinking that he would get into either... Well he worked his tail off in high school and got into both.

Now we are paying close to 75K a year to have our son be a waiter after graduation.

But he is happy and loves his life. We support him in his ambitions but do not put any pressure on him and leave him space to change his mind.

Why those 2 schools? It seems like an odd list.

If you like Yale, which is a BA, why not look at Northwestern? If you like NYU Tisch, which is a BFA (a totally different kind of degree) why not Carnegie Mellon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably viewed as anti-American but I never wanted my boys to be good in sports. Of course I wanted them to have fun outside but my experiences with high school and college jocks was never positive nor was what I read about parents of kids in competitive sports. I never wanted them to fall in love with something they were simply not good enough to do professionally and encounter that disappointment so young.

So what happened? How did I end up with two college-recruited baseball players? Both of my boys loved baseball more than life itself from the time they were two-years-old. Watching baseball, reading about baseball and playing baseball. They were born that way and DH and I had no choice but to support their passion and put all the time and money we could associated with raising an ball player. I doubt either will make it to the major leagues but at least they both are getting great college educations and hopefully will be ready to deal with the disappointment of not making it.

I wish both had loved a different path. I hate to think that their first life goal was crushed at 22.

If they are resilient they will survive if they don't get to be pros. Yes, it's unlikely that they will, just as it's not likely that the OP's daughter will become a professional dancer -- those who try are many, those who get the jobs are few. But have you ever thought to talk with your sons about the other careers that could be open to them? I know a boy who, in high school now, worships baseball and loves to play and plays well, but he also knows that being a pro is statistically unlikely--so he is already investigating careers like sports team management and other fields on the business side of the sport, even the medical side (sports physiotherapy, I think). He's looking ahead realistically at how he might stay around the sport he loves while making a living, because though he's a teen, he's pretty savvy about the fact he's got to eat (and pay rent one day).

Rather than regretting already how your sons' dreams might be crushed, why not help arm them with other options by pointing out that pro baseball has a lot more people involved in it than just the players?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably viewed as anti-American but I never wanted my boys to be good in sports. Of course I wanted them to have fun outside but my experiences with high school and college jocks was never positive nor was what I read about parents of kids in competitive sports. I never wanted them to fall in love with something they were simply not good enough to do professionally and encounter that disappointment so young.

So what happened? How did I end up with two college-recruited baseball players? Both of my boys loved baseball more than life itself from the time they were two-years-old. Watching baseball, reading about baseball and playing baseball. They were born that way and DH and I had no choice but to support their passion and put all the time and money we could associated with raising an ball player. I doubt either will make it to the major leagues but at least they both are getting great college educations and hopefully will be ready to deal with the disappointment of not making it.

I wish both had loved a different path. I hate to think that their first life goal was crushed at 22.

If they are resilient they will survive if they don't get to be pros. Yes, it's unlikely that they will, just as it's not likely that the OP's daughter will become a professional dancer -- those who try are many, those who get the jobs are few. But have you ever thought to talk with your sons about the other careers that could be open to them? I know a boy who, in high school now, worships baseball and loves to play and plays well, but he also knows that being a pro is statistically unlikely--so he is already investigating careers like sports team management and other fields on the business side of the sport, even the medical side (sports physiotherapy, I think). He's looking ahead realistically at how he might stay around the sport he loves while making a living, because though he's a teen, he's pretty savvy about the fact he's got to eat (and pay rent one day).

Rather than regretting already how your sons' dreams might be crushed, why not help arm them with other options by pointing out that pro baseball has a lot more people involved in it than just the players?

PP here and both of my boys were recruited by Ivey League universities - I am sure they will be fine after graduation. Neither is interested in anything (right now) but playing and view those in the management of baseball rather unfavorably. The old "those you cannot do" thing.

But thanks so much for your concern about my kids. It is so lovely to have sacrificed all our parenting lives to help them achieve their goals and be told by some anonymous idiot that we didn't do it right. So sweet of you to think of us! Bye-bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 16 and has been in ballet since she was three. This summer she has been accepted into a summer intensive ballet program away from home. It is a good thing in the sense that it was a highly, highly competitive program and DD really wanted to get in. In a million years, I never suspected that she would be accepted or I would have tried to put the brakes on this. It is a bad thing for me because I fear her falling into eating disorders (being with ballet dancers and away from home for the first time) and I simply never suspected that it was possible for her to have a future in a field like ballet.

She is going (leaves on Sunday) but I was wondering how other parents deal with kids who may excel in something they simply didn't want them to excel in! And also, most importantly, what can I do to make sure she is staying healthy while she is away?

If you already decided she's going, the train has left the station.

The risks you're talking about are very real in ballet. Try and keep communication lines open. Insist to be able on unannounced visits, so that you can catch anything off without the programme leaders being able to cover up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ooh tough spot Mom. My mom made my sister quit ballet around that age. Her teacher was pushing professional classes and programs etc. I'm sure sis was PO'd at the time, but I think we would all agree it was the right decision. I will steer my dd away from ballet even earlier than that. It's not just the eating disorders- it's terrible for your body especially feet.

+1

It's one of the things I'd veto. Dancing for fun at home or with friends, ok. Ballet, not in a million year.

[Anonymous]

OP - eldest niece has been at Houston Ballet summer intensive the last three years. They, at least, pay attention to diet especially since she does because of a food allergy. It is her passion.

[Anonymous]

I would be more worried about injuries and wear on feet than anorexia. Remember that eating disorders are first and foremost a mental health issue that happens in people who have a hereditary predisposition to it. Is there any family member with anorexia?

The feet injuries *will* happen, because they are statistically bound to when a person uses their body in that way. However the extent of injuries will depend on training, body type, and how careful she is.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations to your DD! Our child became serious about ballet and absolutely loves the summer intensive experience. Not all of them will offer nutritional and injury seminars, hopefully she has this at her home studio. It's important to set limits with your DD about what you are willing to let her give up to pursue ballet. Summer intensives can lead to year round program offers, even if she opts out of consideration for it. We have allowed our DD to give up many things for ballet - regular high school and college are not among those things. I think this understanding has helped her keep perspective when surrounded by so many others who are pursuing ballet as a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably viewed as anti-American but I never wanted my boys to be good in sports. Of course I wanted them to have fun outside but my experiences with high school and college jocks was never positive nor was what I read about parents of kids in competitive sports. I never wanted them to fall in love with something they were simply not good enough to do professionally and encounter that disappointment so young.

So what happened? How did I end up with two college-recruited baseball players? Both of my boys loved baseball more than life itself from the time they were two-years-old. Watching baseball, reading about baseball and playing baseball. They were born that way and DH and I had no choice but to support their passion and put all the time and money we could associated with raising an ball player. I doubt either will make it to the major leagues but at least they both are getting great college educations and hopefully will be ready to deal with the disappointment of not making it.

I wish both had loved a different path. I hate to think that their first life goal was crushed at 22.

If they are resilient they will survive if they don't get to be pros. Yes, it's unlikely that they will, just as it's not likely that the OP's daughter will become a professional dancer -- those who try are many, those who get the jobs are few. But have you ever thought to talk with your sons about the other careers that could be open to them? I know a boy who, in high school now, worships baseball and loves to play and plays well, but he also knows that being a pro is statistically unlikely--so he is already investigating careers like sports team management and other fields on the business side of the sport, even the medical side (sports physiotherapy, I think). He's looking ahead realistically at how he might stay around the sport he loves while making a living, because though he's a teen, he's pretty savvy about the fact he's got to eat (and pay rent one day).

Rather than regretting already how your sons' dreams might be crushed, why not help arm them with other options by pointing out that pro baseball has a lot more people involved in it than just the players?

PP here and both of my boys were recruited by Ivey League universities - I am sure they will be fine after graduation. Neither is interested in anything (right now) but playing and view those in the management of baseball rather unfavorably. The old "those you cannot do" thing.

But thanks so much for your concern about my kids. It is so lovely to have sacrificed all our parenting lives to help them achieve their goals and be told by some anonymous idiot that we didn't do it right. So sweet of you to think of us! Bye-bye.

Jeez, a bit sensitive? I think the advice the PP gave was good. My brother got recruited by all the Ivies. He played throughout college at Princeton and loved every minute of it. He also knew the chances of going pro were slim to none and our parents encouraged him to look at other career choices. That's just being realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably viewed as anti-American but I never wanted my boys to be good in sports. Of course I wanted them to have fun outside but my experiences with high school and college jocks was never positive nor was what I read about parents of kids in competitive sports. I never wanted them to fall in love with something they were simply not good enough to do professionally and encounter that disappointment so young.

So what happened? How did I end up with two college-recruited baseball players? Both of my boys loved baseball more than life itself from the time they were two-years-old. Watching baseball, reading about baseball and playing baseball. They were born that way and DH and I had no choice but to support their passion and put all the time and money we could associated with raising an ball player. I doubt either will make it to the major leagues but at least they both are getting great college educations and hopefully will be ready to deal with the disappointment of not making it.

I wish both had loved a different path. I hate to think that their first life goal was crushed at 22.

If they are resilient they will survive if they don't get to be pros. Yes, it's unlikely that they will, just as it's not likely that the OP's daughter will become a professional dancer -- those who try are many, those who get the jobs are few. But have you ever thought to talk with your sons about the other careers that could be open to them? I know a boy who, in high school now, worships baseball and loves to play and plays well, but he also knows that being a pro is statistically unlikely--so he is already investigating careers like sports team management and other fields on the business side of the sport, even the medical side (sports physiotherapy, I think). He's looking ahead realistically at how he might stay around the sport he loves while making a living, because though he's a teen, he's pretty savvy about the fact he's got to eat (and pay rent one day).

Rather than regretting already how your sons' dreams might be crushed, why not help arm them with other options by pointing out that pro baseball has a lot more people involved in it than just the players?

PP here and both of my boys were recruited by Ivey League universities - I am sure they will be fine after graduation. Neither is interested in anything (right now) but playing and view those in the management of baseball rather unfavorably. The old "those you cannot do" thing.

But thanks so much for your concern about my kids. It is so lovely to have sacrificed all our parenting lives to help them achieve their goals and be told by some anonymous idiot that we didn't do it right. So sweet of you to think of us! Bye-bye.

Jeez, a bit sensitive? I think the advice the PP gave was good. My brother got recruited by all the Ivies. He played throughout college at Princeton and loved every minute of it. He also knew the chances of going pro were slim to none and our parents encouraged him to look at other career choices. That's just being realistic.

+1000. Did I miss something? The poster responded very thoughtfully and helpfully and did not seem critical at all! What in the world did you read into that post? Settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand OP. I am certain that TJ is not a good environment for my daughter but she got in and wants to go. I don't know how to stop this train before there's a wreck. I hope all my instincts are wrong about this one but I don't think so.

TJ is the perfect school for some and a train wreck for others. trust your instincts.

[Anonymous]

My DD did a summer intensive in NYC when she was almost 16. She had a great experience and came home the better for it. She was invited to stay and attend the ballet school but declined. She was amazingly talented. DD always loved (still loves) ballet but truly hated the life of ballet dancers and had a much different life in mind for herself. She is now in her second year of medical school.

Being great at something and wanting it for a career are two very different things. The more exposure your DD has to the field the better informed she will be to make her decisions about her future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. For us it was DS and ACTING. He got into drama in high school and even quit all his beloved sports except baseball to be in high school plays. When he told us he wanted to be a theater major when he was a sophomore in high school, we said fine - but only if he got into NYU's Tisch or Yale drama. Never in a zillion years thinking that he would get into either... Well he worked his tail off in high school and got into both.

Now we are paying close to 75K a year to have our son be a waiter after graduation.

But he is happy and loves his life. We support him in his ambitions but do not put any pressure on him and leave him space to change his mind.

NP here - my DD is the same way. SHe is very shy and the only teacher who appeared to notice she existed was the drama teacher. SHe loved to do all the school plays and wants to be famous. I stress out just thinking about it... Thank you for sharing your story. I know I need to give her space and the chance to figure things out on her own. It's just hard when I am surrounded by families whose kids are going off to some top 10 school majoring in bio-engineering, computer science or math....

[Anonymous]

OP, congrats to your daughter. It sounds like you feel like me - MUCH ambivalence and often concern about the path your child is following right now. I think I know exactly how you feel. I feel this way constantly. The effects of it are huge on the family since we have only 2 kids.

DD just left yesterday for her ballet SI too. She has been to others and I completely understand your concern about disordered eating. Some advice has been given here already about letting your DD follow her dreams for now so to speak, so I will focus on what we found with summers away and food. We focus on the food as fuel. I have had many frank conversations about DD and this concern. There was a period when she was 14 where I worried. I let her know I was watching to make sure she was getting the fuel she needed. A dancer friend who became bulimic back in the 80s due to a crazy teacher told me that that's what would have worked for her.

I also talked to her extensively about social media because that honestly caused more of a problem with eating than ballet! D@mn Pinterest. We made it through that patch.

Honestly, most programs keep a check on it and try to encourage healthy eating. However, there are teachers out there, trained in the 70s and 80s, who can make comments which definitely affect the dancers. That is one area to check in with your daughter on whenever she has new teachers.

DD has always had nutrition talks during the summers- there has been only one that seemed to affect her back when she was 13/14- the nutritionist was promoting veganism, which is not at all right for the constant strain on a dancer's body from what I can tell. This occurred right here in DC and I'll leave it to you to guess the major school with a company attached where it occurred. I resolved that by telling DD she could try it for 1 week and she had to find recipes that would give her the nutrition she needed. Needless to say that was overwhelming for her and she gave up 3 days in. I told her that I'm sure you could do it healthfully, but that you would really need to be able to afford a personal chef to do so!

Anyway, I miss her terribly and there were some tears last night while Skyping for her so I will be checking in some this week to make sure it's going well after the first day jitters. It is a tremendous learning experience for them on all levels. I bet your daughter will do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is probably viewed as anti-American but I never wanted my boys to be good in sports. Of course I wanted them to have fun outside but my experiences with high school and college jocks was never positive nor was what I read about parents of kids in competitive sports. I never wanted them to fall in love with something they were simply not good enough to do professionally and encounter that disappointment so young.

So what happened? How did I end up with two college-recruited baseball players? Both of my boys loved baseball more than life itself from the time they were two-years-old. Watching baseball, reading about baseball and playing baseball. They were born that way and DH and I had no choice but to support their passion and put all the time and money we could associated with raising an ball player. I doubt either will make it to the major leagues but at least they both are getting great college educations and hopefully will be ready to deal with the disappointment of not making it.

I wish both had loved a different path. I hate to think that their first life goal was crushed at 22.

If they are resilient they will survive if they don't get to be pros. Yes, it's unlikely that they will, just as it's not likely that the OP's daughter will become a professional dancer -- those who try are many, those who get the jobs are few. But have you ever thought to talk with your sons about the other careers that could be open to them? I know a boy who, in high school now, worships baseball and loves to play and plays well, but he also knows that being a pro is statistically unlikely--so he is already investigating careers like sports team management and other fields on the business side of the sport, even the medical side (sports physiotherapy, I think). He's looking ahead realistically at how he might stay around the sport he loves while making a living, because though he's a teen, he's pretty savvy about the fact he's got to eat (and pay rent one day).

Rather than regretting already how your sons' dreams might be crushed, why not help arm them with other options by pointing out that pro baseball has a lot more people involved in it than just the players?

PP here and both of my boys were recruited by Ivey League universities - I am sure they will be fine after graduation. Neither is interested in anything (right now) but playing and view those in the management of baseball rather unfavorably. The old "those you cannot do" thing.

But thanks so much for your concern about my kids. It is so lovely to have sacrificed all our parenting lives to help them achieve their goals and be told by some anonymous idiot that we didn't do it right. So sweet of you to think of us! Bye-bye.

Wow. No need for name-calling. Sorry if you thought your parenting was attacked -- the purpose was to point out that there are other ways to be involved with a passion other than as a professional athlete, dancer, etc. That's why I gave the example of a kid we know who is a good player and wants to stay around baseball but is exploring ways to do it other than as a pro player. Just giving a potential positive angle since your initial post was negative about your kids' focus on baseball. Never said you were raising them wrong, just that there are other options to explore if they choose. They don't want to. That's fine. No way for me to know that before giving the suggestion.

You were referring your kids' "life goal" being "crushed," so it's good to hear that you are instead so pleased with their prospects. That wasn't the impression your initial post gave.