I guess I insulted my FIL

[Anonymous]

I posted about FIL's poor hearing over the weekend. I have said to him before that he should get hearing aids, and he told me they were too expensive. Anyway, after the visit I emailed with MIL and said "We loved having him, thanks for the gifts, and you should talk to FIL about hearing aids- he can't hear what [dd] is saying and she couldn't understand why"

So he called DH in kind of a huff to tell him I said that. Dh's response was "well you can't hear" to which he responded I just heard what you said!

Anyway, I try to be sensitive to people's feelings and dont want any bad blood. Should I apologize or let it go?

[Anonymous]

You were fine. We had to get on my dad to get his. Costco is the best place to get them. Much cheaper than an audiologist.

[Anonymous]

Since he raised it, I guess you should apologize. I'm pretty sure I insulted my FIL this weekend too.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Stop pointing out that he needs hearing aids. My mom has a hearing loss in one ear that makes little difference with a hearing aid. I don't know about your FIL but you should butt out. You're not being helpful. I'm sure he realizes he's being stubborn, but aging is difficult in more ways than just the physical. Yes, apologize. You were out of line.

[Anonymous]

I'd apologize. In the future, don't put this sort of thing in an email, have an actual conversation instead, and let your dh bring it up instead of you. If what you posted above is what you actually wrote, it does come across as cold and I could how someone could take it badly.

[Anonymous]

22:27 is right - stop telling him or others he needs them. This is an ego issue. Read up on the psychology of seniors. There's a lot of ego involved with certain medical issues in seniors.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she couldn't understand why her grandpa couldn't hear her, then you're the one who did a bad job explaining. It's not that hard to say "As you get older your ears stop working as well as they did when you were little. Grandpa's ears don't work as well so we have to be a little loud when we talk to him." A 2 yr old could understand that.

[Anonymous]

I'm conflicted about the advice to drop it although I will absolutely take the advice to read up on seniors and ego. Pp's mothers experience notwithstanding, many peoples quality of life has been greatly improved by hearing aids, including other family members of ours.

And of course dd understands when I explain that his ears don't work so well, but when all he says is "oh" to every question, statement of affection and greeting he gets from her, she gets confused.

My email was much warmer, those were just the key points. I will go ahead and apologize. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

My FIL insisted for ten years that hearing aids wouldn't help his type of hearing loss (which was profound enough that you'd be sitting next to him and he'd have no idea what you said). In approximately year 12 of knowing him, he got a hearing aid, and lo and behold it's magic.

That said, it's probably not your place to push.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry could you all please stop mumbling and speak more clearly? The acoustics in this place are terrible.

--FIL

[Anonymous]

OP, raising the issue in an email was passive-aggressive, provocative and needlessly insensitive. First, you passed the buck to your MIL -- "you should talk to him." C'mon. Either you do it or you don't do it. You don't tell someone else to do it. And you don't write a thank you note in which you criticize someone. Mean and stinky. I picture her with a smile on her face about the visit and then she gets to the part about how she needs to tell her husband to get a hearing aid and -- WHAM!

No wonder they are upset. How would you feel if your DH got an email from them saying "It was a lovely weekend, we had a blast, and please tell Larla she needs to lose 10 pounds, she looks like an ox."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd apologize. In the future, don't put this sort of thing in an email, have an actual conversation instead, and let your dh bring it up instead of you. If what you posted above is what you actually wrote, it does come across as cold and I could how someone could take it badly.

+1 Aging is a process that we all face, and it's harder for some than others. I think it's important to be as kind and tactful as possible when helping our parents and in-laws deal with the many issues that can arise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, raising the issue in an email was passive-aggressive, provocative and needlessly insensitive. First, you passed the buck to your MIL -- "you should talk to him." C'mon. Either you do it or you don't do it. You don't tell someone else to do it. And you don't write a thank you note in which you criticize someone. Mean and stinky. I picture her with a smile on her face about the visit and then she gets to the part about how she needs to tell her husband to get a hearing aid and -- WHAM!

No wonder they are upset. How would you feel if your DH got an email from them saying "It was a lovely weekend, we had a blast, and please tell Larla she needs to lose 10 pounds, she looks like an ox."

You nailed it!

[Anonymous]

Are you sure it is normal hearing loss that can be corrected by hearing aids? My father and I both had trauma that resulted in complete hearing loss on one side (his in the military, mine in a fight with my brother when I was 13). There is nothing to be done for it. My fathers opposite side is at about 35% now where as mine is closer to 50%. I essentially hear about 25% as well as a normal person. I took a lip reading class right before college and that is the way I really have to communicate most of the time. That means I stare at people mouths. My brother's girlfriend said I should work on eye contact. I told her to watch out if she ever got in a fight with my brother. It's none of her business why I don't look up when I'm talking to someone. It's none of your business if FIL doesn't have hearing aids.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

So it's op's business because she's inconvenienced?