I guess I insulted my FIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

So it's op's business because she's inconvenienced?

So it actually doesn't have anything to do with me (OP). I will yell all day long. I genuinely believe it will improve his life and enable a relationship with my children- which he has expressed a desire for. He gets in arguments all the time with his wife and my Dh, many of which I believe could be avoided if he could hear.

Anyway, I'm not surprised to see that there are two camps on this: the MYOB crew and the rest of us. Still, I will apologize and see how I can more tactfully agitate for at least a consult with his doctor on this subject.

[Anonymous]

let it go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

So it's op's business because she's inconvenienced?

So it actually doesn't have anything to do with me (OP). I will yell all day long. I genuinely believe it will improve his life and enable a relationship with my children- which he has expressed a desire for. He gets in arguments all the time with his wife and my Dh, many of which I believe could be avoided if he could hear.

Anyway, I'm not surprised to see that there are two camps on this: the MYOB crew and the rest of us. Still, I will apologize and see how I can more tactfully agitate for at least a consult with his doctor on this subject.

I do not think you were wrong for bringing it up. My problem is with the way you did it - in an email as a tag along about a visit. You did not mean to be, but that email was insenstive. As the caretaker of elderly parents, this is the sort of thing that you talk face to face about gently with dignity. Elders often do not want to acknowledge that they are not the people they used to be. It takes a huge mental toll on them. There are boks on how to coummunicate about these types of issues. You should buy one for your DH.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

So it's op's business because she's inconvenienced?

So it actually doesn't have anything to do with me (OP). I will yell all day long. I genuinely believe it will improve his life and enable a relationship with my children- which he has expressed a desire for. He gets in arguments all the time with his wife and my Dh, many of which I believe could be avoided if he could hear.

Anyway, I'm not surprised to see that there are two camps on this: the MYOB crew and the rest of us. Still, I will apologize and see how I can more tactfully agitate for at least a consult with his doctor on this subject.

I do not think you were wrong for bringing it up. My problem is with the way you did it - in an email as a tag along about a visit. You did not mean to be, but that email was insenstive. As the caretaker of elderly parents, this is the sort of thing that you talk face to face about gently with dignity. Elders often do not want to acknowledge that they are not the people they used to be. It takes a huge mental toll on them. There are boks on how to coummunicate about these types of issues. You should buy one for your DH.

GL.

Thanks for this advice. I will check out the book referenced up thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

So it's op's business because she's inconvenienced?

So it actually doesn't have anything to do with me (OP). I will yell all day long. I genuinely believe it will improve his life and enable a relationship with my children- which he has expressed a desire for. He gets in arguments all the time with his wife and my Dh, many of which I believe could be avoided if he could hear.

Anyway, I'm not surprised to see that there are two camps on this: the MYOB crew and the rest of us. Still, I will apologize and see how I can more tactfully agitate for at least a consult with his doctor on this subject.

I do not think you were wrong for bringing it up. My problem is with the way you did it - in an email as a tag along about a visit. You did not mean to be, but that email was insenstive. As the caretaker of elderly parents, this is the sort of thing that you talk face to face about gently with dignity. Elders often do not want to acknowledge that they are not the people they used to be. It takes a huge mental toll on them. There are boks on how to coummunicate about these types of issues. You should buy one for your DH.

GL.

The more family members told my FIl he needed a hearing aid the more adamant he became in not getting one. Still doesn't have one.

[Anonymous]

My MIL needs hearing aids. She finally got them...and refuses to wear them because they make her look old. She is 85+. It isn't the hearing aids.

[Anonymous]

OP I responded to your other thread. "At 81, sometimes resisting a hearing aid is about avoiding younger people's demands for constant conversation/interaction."

It's hard to watch elderly relatives who would rather not make the extra effort to engage, both because it's nicer for you when they do, and you know that engaging will keep them young. But they are adults and also need to stay in control of their lives. Can you see how you are coming across as bossy and controlling? It's not helpful in the long run. It also probably won't get you what you want.

Personally I think you emailed your MIL out of turn. A conversation like that (you should talk to FIL about…) needs to be held on the phone or in person.

Other people wrote this and you didn't listen: you need to stop making this about your daughter. It's either about your FIL or you need to drop it.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it poorly but can probably get away without apologizing.

[Anonymous]

Op, you were rude!

[Anonymous]

How is this different then if you were fat and he called your husband to say you need to lose weight? Wouldn't you be pissed off? He know he has poor hearing, none of your business unless he asks for it. Same as if you were over weight. Both types of these problems are already known by the person.

[Anonymous]

Okay, the people who say that being fat can be compared to needing a hearing need to work on their analogy skills. Interacting with people who can't hear is problem for others. And it's needless. The fix is simple enough. I don't see the problem with mentioning it to MIL in an email. If she took offense, so be it, none was meant.

OP you made your point. It's his loss not yours. But the next time he says "what," just say "nevermind."

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't apologize at all - you weren't rude. Elderly people hate having their failings pointed out, but the truth is, it needs to be done, albeit in as sensitive a manner as possible.

Next time, tread lightly and suggest he consult someone, rather than say he needs hearing aids, just because there are some forms of hearing loss that can't be helped with an aid.

[Anonymous]

I think you could have handled it more delicately. I try not to start any sentences/phrases with "you should..."

Next time, I would have a conversation and express concern about his hearing, his ability to participate in conversation, etc. Focus on him, not your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the PPs. I have someone in my family with severe hearing loss and refuses to wear hearing aids. I think you were 100% in the right and shouldn't apologize.

It is your business if your FIL can't hear because then you have to shout all the time. For everyone's sake, he needs to get some hearing aids.

So it's op's business because she's inconvenienced?

So it actually doesn't have anything to do with me (OP). I will yell all day long. I genuinely believe it will improve his life and enable a relationship with my children- which he has expressed a desire for. He gets in arguments all the time with his wife and my Dh, many of which I believe could be avoided if he could hear.

Anyway, I'm not surprised to see that there are two camps on this: the MYOB crew and the rest of us. Still, I will apologize and see how I can more tactfully agitate for at least a consult with his doctor on this subject.

OP, any campaign on your part should be a campaign to get your husband to handle all this. Your FIL is mad at you and will bear a grudge (yes, his ego was bruised though you didnt' intend that), and MIL is going to possibly be defensive of her husband now. Let their son handle it with them. It sounds as if your husband agrees with you that his dad needs hearing aids; so talk with your husband about now being the sole point person on this whole topic. That will give you a chance to let it blow over emotionally with MIL and FIL, and frankly -- it is the adult child's job to deal with his or her own parents. If this were your own parent, you would be the one to handle it if your husband were frustrated with your parent's hearing issues. He needs to handle this for his own parents.

[Anonymous]

Well, thanks guys for keeping this thread alive

My husband has mostly written his parents off, so he's not the right messenger. They all basically just leave each other alone to make their own mistakes. I have a lot of regret that I didn't participate more actively in FIL's recent hip surgery, since both DH and his (local) sister failed to interfere while he wasn't doing his physical therapy, and now he can barely walk! Ugh! On another note, they have actually enlisted me before to make doctor's appointments and deal with insurance issues for them, so I am the de facto "involved" one.

Nonetheless, I was rude! I apologized! He probably didn't really know what I was saying, but he accepted it!

To the pp who goes on about how he may not *want* to hear us. That choice is 100% available to him. He expresses strong desire to be involved, comes to visit, and attempts to engage with my kids. I'm not pushing ourselves on him in the least.