Anticipating how to say no to crazy aunt

[Anonymous]

DH's aunt is a little off-kilter. She's very loving and generous to my DD but keeps guns in her home that are not locked up (my understanding is that despite not being locked up they would not be easily accessible to a child). That said, I'm only comfortable going over when DH and I are both there. Auntie is starting to ask that we send DD over for the day or maybe even spend the night there when she's old enough (probably in a year or two - so this is far off, I'm just thinking ahead since she mentions it al the time) and I'm absolutely not comfortable with that. DH thinks it would be harmless (after all, he and his sister went over there and did sleepovers all the time as a child) but understands my concerns and is willing to support me in not sending DD over there alone. Again, auntie is kind and generous to DD -- a little crazy and mood-swingy towards the rest of us but she has no children so DD is like a grandchild to her, so when I do get to the point where I have to refuse her invitations, I'd like to do so very kindly. Can anyone please provide suggestions on how to respond to her and deal with this situation in such a manner that won't offend her? We've already invited her to come stay with us anytime and she hasn't taken us up on that offer.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but we don't feel comfortable with that due to your guns.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to really evaluate yourself.
Why on earth would you have any hesitation?
It''s odd, and frankly your child needs a stronger parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, you cannot control whether someone is offended or not by what you say. All you can control is whether YOU say something offensive.

This is NOT an offensive statement: "We do not allow our child to spend the night in any home where firearms are not properly stored and double locked. Thanks for understanding."

You have 2 choices: either keep dancing around this or be a grown-up and tell her straight up why your child will not stay over there. It's really not that complicated. Your child's safety will always trump appeasing another person.

[Anonymous]

I just don't send my kids to just aunt's home anyway. Why does she need to be alone with your daughter. I would just say, no I am ready ready to send her off alone. She sounds weird.

[Anonymous]

If aunt is crazy then she is just going to get offended. And when she is finished being offended she is going to lie and say they are safely stored when they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If aunt is crazy then she is just going to get offended. And when she is finished being offended she is going to lie and say they are safely stored when they are not.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If aunt is crazy then she is just going to get offended. And when she is finished being offended she is going to lie and say they are safely stored when they are not.

I'd ask to see where and how they're stored. Ammunition should be locked separate from the locked unloaded guns.

[Anonymous]

Well, if you say it's the guns, and then she locks up the guns, would you be ok with it? Or would you still not be ok with it because she's still generally kind of crazy?

Don't make it about the guns if it's really just about her craziness. There's no point in that.

[Anonymous]

How old is your dd? Honestly I don't really like the idea of my kids spending the night elsewhere unless there's a specific need for it. The guns would be just one more reason not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to really evaluate yourself.
Why on earth would you have any hesitation?
It''s odd, and frankly your child needs a stronger parent.

Oh shut up

[Anonymous]

Ultimatum, then ask for proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you cannot control whether someone is offended or not by what you say. All you can control is whether YOU say something offensive.

This is NOT an offensive statement: "We do not allow our child to spend the night in any home where firearms are not properly stored and double locked. Thanks for understanding."

You have 2 choices: either keep dancing around this or be a grown-up and tell her straight up why your child will not stay over there. It's really not that complicated. Your child's safety will always trump appeasing another person.

Here's the thing. Is this really about guns?

OP, if you tell your aunt that the guns are a problem and aunt says, "Oh, of course! How silly of me. Of course I will immediately go out to buy a gun safe and immediately begin properly storing my (unloaded) weapons," will you then feel completely comfortable sending DC over to her house unaccompanied? Or are you going to continue to be nervous about whether the guns really are properly stored, what other hazards may be in her home (where are her poisons kept?), whether aunt is actually trustworthy, competent, etc?

If it's the latter, then don't bother having the gun conversation. Just say, "I don't feel comfortable leaving Larla for that long." or "Larla's not ready for overnights yet" or whatever. Or just feign keep putting it off: "Oh, maybe someday." Etc.

OP, you are in charge of where your DD goes and with whom. You owe no one (other than DH) any explanations about the decisions you make. You are free to change your mind at any time. Don't feel the need to apologize or even explain your decisions. Don't feel bad about doing what you think is right.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why aunt is "owed" any time with her niece. If YOU feel it will be advantageous for DD to spend time with her aunt, great. If you don't, then end of discussion. No one (not even a grandparent) is "entitled" to a piece of your DD.

[Anonymous]

You need to be straight forward and say you are not comfortable about her guns. Then she can either do something about it or not. Are you sure if she said she locked up the guns you would be OK with her and your DD? What happened 30 years ago when your DH was a kid does not apply today in so many ways ...