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What are the traits of a happy marriage?
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Anonymous
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DH and I are REALLY struggling right now. I am a SAHM and he makes triple what I could make if I worked. I'm interested to hear from some of you - - especially SAHMs regarding what makes your marriage successful. I'm going to have a heart to heart with DH about therapy etc. but I'd like to be armed with some good real life examples when I raise the subject.
Thanks |
Anonymous
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I think Paul Newman said this about Joanne Woodward, something to the extent of having equal parts respect and lust in the marriage. That really resonated with me. I did not respect nor lust for my ex-husband...hence, he's an ex. In my current marriage, we definitely have both lust and respect and we are very happy.
Lots of luck to you. |
Anonymous
| Agree with PP, but I'd add communication. When we stopped assuming stuff and really started talking it got a lot better. |
Anonymous
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For me it's many things. DH and I can still make each other laugh. WHen we argue, we always take a few minutes to ourselves, regroup and then discuss the issue at hand and come to a resolution. We still enjoy doing things with one another. We each come to a compromise when we are stuck. We try to make everything as equal and fair for one another as we possibly can. For me, personally, if any one of those starts to disintegrate and is beyond repair, that is when I will really begin to worry. Also, I think most importantly, is we can be ourselves around each other and not worry at all.
I hope it all works out! |
Anonymous
Just out of curiosity why are you singling out that fact that you are SAH? Why do you think this effects marital bliss or misery. Why does his income vs. your potential factor into this? Your questions seems to omit some information about the source of your problems. Does he hold his income over your head? Do you feel less of a contributor to the household? |
Anonymous
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What has gotten us through rough spots is that "both" of us try to make it work. Much harder if only one is trying...
that, and compromise, on both sides. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the lust and respect comment. My husband and I have lots of respect for one another, laugh together, enjoy spending time together, and want each other to be happy, successful, and fulfilled. We are best friends but I know for a fact that my husband is not very happy these days because I have close to zero interest in sex. No kidding, I would be happy having sex once a week, if that. Needless to say, this is something we need to work on. |
Anonymous
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I'm the OP. I singled out the fact that I'm a SAHM because it does change the dynamic of the relationship. I'm home all day so chores and errands are less of an issue in the day to day of the relationship. I would like to go back to work but it doesn't make sense for our family. By the time I paid for daycare, commuting, lunches out etc. it would be close to a wash for us so keeping our DC home is a good option but he does hold the money thing over my head. Not in obvious ways but I'm constantly reminded that he is the breadwinner now. I worked from the time I was 14 years old so it has been a difficult transition for me, especially since he feels the need to remind me.
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Anonymous
Other pp here. It might be close to a wash financially just now but it will make a difference to your earning potential in the future. Plus it sounds like there are other advantages for you besides a financial one. Not saying you should work outside the home unless you really want to but I think you should consider that there is more to it than what your current salary would be. Good luck, OP! |
Anonymous
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My DH makes literally 4 x's what I could ever make, I stay home, I do not give a shit either way. My former career was a career where I helped people directly and had to have TONS of patience and people skills, DH always say he could NEVER do it.
EITHER WAY, my confidence is what matters. I never look back, I never doubt, and my confidence allows me to openly and lovingly support my DH to work hard and be here for his fam. When I am SECURE, he is SECURE. Vice versa, btw. We have to have sex, a bunch, even when I do not want it, I never regret it. We need to laugh a lot. We watch SILLY movies (last night was Zach and Miri make a Porno) and LAUGH. We do not take ourselves too seriously. And when we do, I have committed myself to saying "You and I being asses and I love you so much. We need a time out." We take a couple of hours, get together our "I" statements and work it out. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I am a SAHM and am very happy in my marriage. Regardless of whether you stay at home, mutual respect is integral to a marriage. In my case, my DH NEVER holds being the breadwinner over my head. In fact, he always emphasizes that the money he makes is for both of us. He often says that he appeciates the career sacrifices I have made by staying home. He feels badly when he misses one of DD's milestones, but always comments that he is glad that I was there for it (rather than a non-parent caregiver). So, I guess it comes down to respecting and appreciating my contributions to our family and not placing more value on his own contributions.
OP, it sounds like your husband doesn't appreciate your contributions. And, it sounds like he wouldn't appreciate those contributions if you worked either. I don't have any good advice. In my case, I think it helps that we got married very young, and took turns supporting eachother financially through grad school. So, we've always approached money and the other mundane aspects of marriage as a team. But, maybe if you had counseling and talked through these problems it would help your DH value you more. Good luck! |
Anonymous
I know him. He's an overpaid lawyer. |
Anonymous
| I think the most important thing is to be kind to each other. |
Anonymous
| I think our marriage works because not only do we love each other, but we genuinely like each other. My DH is very loving, kind and considerate. I truly feel like we're a team -- he pitches in way more than his share. Yes, he makes more than me, but when one of the kids is sick, we always work together to figure out who needs to go to work, who can stay home, how can we juggle it. At the end of the day there's no one else I'd rather spend time with -- he's funny, engaging and very smart too. He's wonderful to his mom and is the first to offer help if his friends are in need. It also helps that we're both pretty easy going and also organized. If he says he'll do something, I know he will and vice versa. |
Anonymous
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Love the post about equal parts respect and l*st. I work FT by DH makes more than 4 times what I make so I understand that there are power dynamics. However, I believe DH is sincere when he tells me how much he values the stuff I do with the kids and our household and any power dynamic (esp when I wasn't working) is about my own feelings of insecurity and self-worth rather than him ever holding anything over me (which he never does).
One thing I have tried to do recently (never did it till recently, to be honest) is that I step back occasionally and put myself in his shoes--what is it like to have terrible deadlines, business slowdowns, be responsible for all/most of the financial health of all these people, and still hope to get to the gym or have any fun? I also spend time reflecting on things he's done for me over the years--supported me emotionally and financially when I stopped working to care for a sick parent before we were married, etc. I would put these two items into the "regular appreciation" category. |