What are the traits of a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

I am a SAH mom (and is home partly because what I could make at work barely covers daycare so I understand). My husband is a lawyer. We are still very, very attracted to each other. We talk on the phone several times a day. He is every bit the coparent (coaches soccer, cooks), and although I do lots of the boring housework, it is not because he thinks that is "my job". The feminist in me hates to admit this, but I do have sex with him even when I'm not in the mood. I've never regretted it and sex makes him very happy.

When we argue, we try to "fight fair", that is we never try to be insulting, mean, condescending, sarcastic...I think maybe that is connected to underlying respect zero respect for me (actually, women in general, as he didn't think much of his mother but anyway...)

My husband and I have a similar sense of humor, lots of inside jokes, short hand. When we met I knew right away that he would be a friend I'd have forever.

[Anonymous]

pp here. Part of message was cut off. I meant to say I know how important respect is because a previous boyfriend would be very mean to me when we fought, called me names, and it was clear he had no respect for me).

[Anonymous]

My husband and I went to Costco last night. We forgot the list. He was trying to corral our unruly 2 year old, and my waddling-eight-months pregnant butt was trying to push an overloaded cart but could only move at a snails' pace. We ate 1.50 hot dogs and pizza. The whole time he kept making wise cracks and I laughed so hard I'm pretty sure I peed myself (should be doing more Kegels...). It was the most fun I've had in ages.

Bottom line is, marriage can be boring, tedious and annoying. It will never be fair, one person will always be doing more of something (whether it be earning money or diaper changing) than the other. But finding someone whose company I genuinely enjoy, who can help me find light in the dark moments, has made all the difference to me.

[Anonymous]

I would agree with all the comments people are mentioning. Believe it or not, I knew my husband had the "keeper" qualities early on. I remember on our second date I was worried about being taller than him in heels so I wore flats. He made a point of saying how he liked when I wore heels. He picked up on the fact I was insecure about wearing heels and found a way to boost my confidence without making it a big deal. I think someone mentioned about the inside jokes - there are times we will look at each other and think "I know what you are going to say". He absolutely makes me laugh. I probably make him laugh too but not intentionally. For both of us despite being married for quite a few years there is still that awe factor of how did I get lucky enough to meet you. I think if you don't have that feeling you can easily fall into taking that person for granted. We try to look out for each other. If I'm worried he is running around with a lot of errands, I'll ask is there something I can do - do you need some downtime to relax. I was completely freaked out about the job situation at work - and he offered to take the kids out and give me some time if I wanted to go to the movies or do something so I didn't think about work. Him offering lifted a weight off my shoulders - reminding me despite the craziness of the job stuff, I have a good man at home and two wonderful kids.

With the SAHM thing, I can't add anything to that perspective, but when I was home during maternity leave, I knew if I became a SAHM there would have been a big adjustment. I knew I would have been expected to do everything because he was going into the office to work and quite honestly it would be less work if I went into the office also so the expectation would be to share the workload at home. The only thing I could say is if I did stay at home, we probably would have had at least one argument or showdown and at some point would have had to sit down and figure out what each of us expected the workload to look like and try to come up with something that was fair and reasonable so we could both be happy. Even now as I am looking for a new job, I had a discussion with my husband to see what he felt would work best with the family in terms of job located in MD versus DC versus VA and his thoughts. We also talked about how I wouldn't have a lot of vacation time at first and it would mean for example he would have to handle the sick appts. Any decision being made as far as where your job is located/commute, what kind of hours are required for the job, the travel involved in the job has to be a team decision when you have kids IMHO. If he is making 4X what you made previously, does this mean he works evenings and weekends also and can't do as much with the kids and if so was that a joint decision you both agreed made sense for whatever reason. Was the decision to stay at home a joint decision. I think issues appear whatever the scenario when you make a decision that impacts the other person without discussing it. My mom - I love her - was famous for that. I never understood until I was older why my dad would get so upset. My parents are divorced now and that was one of many issues - but I think that was among the biggest ones. So one of the things I've tried to be good about is discussing what I'm thinking about doing and taking into account my husband's concerns. I would also say that is a two way street as far as the joint decision making.

[Anonymous]

I love the lust and respect line! Happy marriage to me means we have fun to gether still, we like to be together. We work hard on not name calling etc. when we are frustrated. We "spot" each other. If hard week with kids, then a recognition of how hard it was, and perhaps an offer for me to go out with a girlfriend while he stays with the kids in the evening. Likewise, if hard week at work for him, I take care of everything at home, bills, etc. and let him focus without guilt on work. If one of us is out of balance we try to recalibrate.

Similar values-- views about money, kindness, how we spend our time, how we raise the kids, friends, etc.

Rituals. As a family and as a couple

Truly wanting that person to be the best that they can be. A belief that they want the same for you and that there may be times of sacrifice but that the other will help you when the time comes, as well.

The one area I think we need to work on and that I admire in others is a better sense of humour and lightness about things. Life is hard, no reason to make it harder sometimes with taking everything so seriously, or score keeping. I would put score keeping as a real relationship killer.

Keeping fit and healthy. Makes us feel good about ourselves and our family healthier.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP: I am the PP. At risk of sounding like I have it all figured out, I wanted to share that I have been where you are too. We have been through some very tough times, in large part due to some post partum depression on my part with each child. Anyway, just wanted you to know people can come out on the other side of a hard time with a better marriage. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I'm so jealous of those who've married someone you can be yourself around, and genuinely enjoy the company of your spouse. I wish I'd made better choices at selecting husband(s). Looks alone don't cut it.

[Anonymous]

Hey PP. Sorry to hear you feel this way. You absolutely deserve to be with someone you can be yourself around. But you should feel this way with them before you even think about getting married. I can't quite imagine not being completely myself with my spouse. Would be exhausting. I wish you the best.