Can't stand my anxious/depressed husband

[Anonymous]

Since we bought our house last year, my husband's become a different person. He is constantly stressing over something that could be wrong. He'll stay up all night reading about dehumidifiers because he gets a worry that our basement is too humid and can't let it go. We just replaced our flooring and afterward, he worries that it won't be water-resistant enough and spends hours reading more about it and stressing himself out. It's like he's constantly looking for things to worry about and once he finds something he gets obsessive about it.

I have anxiety issues myself, which have been manageable lately, but I see similar issues in him now. He was always the optimist in our relationship and over the past year has become so pessimistic about everything - the house, our careers, family, etc. He's incredibly unpleasant to be around and I don't want to be mad/annoyed at him for a mental health issue but he refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong. To him, all his anxieties are completely rational because hey, he bought a humidity monitor and the basement is humid and now life is over and why can't I see that? He refuses to go see someone or even bring it up with his PCP. I've told him if he really thinks there's nothing wrong and his worries are completely rational and situational, then just talk through them with a therapist and if they agree that you're fine I'll let it go. But he says that won't work because obviously they aren't a construction expert (neither is he) so how will they know if his worries are rational??

I'm getting hung up on the house a lot because it's an easy example, but these kinds of worries happen about everything. Things are stressful for both of us right now, we have busy careers, our renovating our new house, and trying to start a family. I'm having enough trouble managing my own anxiety issues (with help from professionals) and trying to reduce my use of anxiety medicine. His refusal to seek any kind of help is really driving me crazy and feels like a slight against me since now we're constantly fighting all the time over his anxieties and worries.

We aren't even first time home owners... we moved to the house from a condo that we own and now rent. We renovated the whole condo while living in it and he wasn't plagued by worry or anxiety the whole time. It was stressful, but normal stressful, not find-more-things-to-keep-me-up-at-night stressful.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is the TTC that is getting to him, and the house is an easy place to displace the anxiety. Not sure what to tell you, OP. My DH is so much happier and easier to be around now that he takes anti-anxiety-meds. GL!

[Anonymous]

TTC is brand new and the anxiety has been ongoing for several months, but yea, I definitely think it's everything adding up. I WISH I could get him to try meds. And now I can't even take mine to deal with him!

[Anonymous]

I hear you! It's hard. I have a DW who is similarly anxious, obsessive, and negative. I hope he reaches out for help.

[Anonymous]

This is where I'd pull out the "humor me" card (re the therapist) while performing a sexual favor. Yup. "Just humor me, darling. Keep me company at the doctor's..."

It does seem a masculine nesting freak out pre TTC thing. Sounds horrible! Knowing what he's going through, due to your own familiarity with these feelings, do you think a visit to a therapist would give him the opening to start addressing the possibility of a new baby?

The therapist may not be an expert re construction but she may know a thing or two about displacement. And that's a start.

OP, I hope you have the opportunity to look back on this and laugh about how adorable DH freaked out, trying to make the house safe for your children.

Wishing you peace and calm.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband's anxiety level has increased.

I am on your side, he NEEDS to seek professional help in order to figure out how this can be treated.

But getting a MAN to see a Dr. for anything, esp. a mental disorder is like pulling teeth.

They just like to do things themselves. It is kind of the same logic as to why they hate asking for directions.

I say, keep persisting....I would. GL.

[Anonymous]

If you have a kid, it's likely to inherit some of these issues. Btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a kid, it's likely to inherit some of these issues. Btdt.

It's also true that parenthood will increase his anxiety - it can be a roller coaster ride. So ideally he would get help before you conceive.

[Anonymous]

Women wonder why men hide their feelings and concerns from them.

Here we see, yet again, that a man who does not hide his feelings and concerns from a woman only makes her despise him as a contemptible weakling.

So there you go, men. Don't ever look to her for emotional support. She is not your therapist. You are her shoulder to cry on and she is NEVER your shoulder to cry on. If she begs you to "open up" and "express your emotions more"... DON'T!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you can work this from another angle. Instead of telling him that he shouldn't worry about things (really when has that ever worked for you?), validate his feelings. Say things like "I can see that you are really worried about this, is there anything I can do to help". Also, make sure he is getting regular vigorous exercise, eating well, and regular sex. Hopefully these things will help bring his anxiety level down enough for him to see how crazy he's been acting. I would also suggest that you go to therapy for help with how to deal with your husband's anxieties and not let them affect you. Have you told your DH how his worries are making you feel? That you would prefer not to spend more than an hour a day worrying about the house (set a time!). Anything to break his pattern.

I know this is difficult but I think with a little patience and some support you can help him relax a little.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to stress you out further, but if you think having a house will stress your relationship, kids will do that way, way more so.
You guys really need to figure this one out pronto so that you have some viable strategies for dealing with stress before you get hit with child-related stress.
If he won't see a doctor on his own, will he consider couples counseling with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women wonder why men hide their feelings and concerns from them.

Here we see, yet again, that a man who does not hide his feelings and concerns from a woman only makes her despise him as a contemptible weakling.

So there you go, men. Don't ever look to her for emotional support. She is not your therapist. You are her shoulder to cry on and she is NEVER your shoulder to cry on. If she begs you to "open up" and "express your emotions more"... DON'T!

You are nuts. OP'S chief complaint is that her DH won't get help for his mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Could you be trying to manage your own anxiety by trying to control him? Not saying that's what's really going on here, but it's something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women wonder why men hide their feelings and concerns from them.

Here we see, yet again, that a man who does not hide his feelings and concerns from a woman only makes her despise him as a contemptible weakling.

So there you go, men. Don't ever look to her for emotional support. She is not your therapist. You are her shoulder to cry on and she is NEVER your shoulder to cry on. If she begs you to "open up" and "express your emotions more"... DON'T!

You are nuts. OP'S chief complaint is that her DH won't get help for his mental illness.

The guy expresses anxiety on a timetable not of OP's approval and now he's mentally ill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women wonder why men hide their feelings and concerns from them.

Here we see, yet again, that a man who does not hide his feelings and concerns from a woman only makes her despise him as a contemptible weakling.

So there you go, men. Don't ever look to her for emotional support. She is not your therapist. You are her shoulder to cry on and she is NEVER your shoulder to cry on. If she begs you to "open up" and "express your emotions more"... DON'T!

You are nuts. OP'S chief complaint is that her DH won't get help for his mental illness.

The guy expresses anxiety on a timetable not of OP's approval and now he's mentally ill?

obsessive anxiety is a mental health issue. without treatment it can get worse.