To what degree are you involved in your 6-year-old's choice of friends?

[Anonymous]

My son just turned 6 and is in K. He's become closer with some of the boys in his class who just do not seem as nice as the boys he was closer with earlier in the year. These boys are more likely to tell other kids they cannot sit with them, play with them etc., although they have been nothing but nice to my son, I don't really want him involved with this behavior. Clearly he can socialize with whoever he wants at school, but in terms of setting up play dates etc., I'm not anxious to encourage a lot more time with these kids. Is it ok to stick with play dates with his other friends, or do I have to let him choose?

[Anonymous]

You're fighting a losing if you're trying to control his choice of friends via playdates. He's going to be friends with the kids he's drawn to, and it's far better to have those kids over so you can keep an ear on what's happening and talk to him afterward about behavior you think is inappropriate (or intervene as it's going on, if warranted) than letting it happen unchecked at school.

[Anonymous]

You're fighting a losing if you're trying to control his choice of friends via playdates.

Is that true? DS gets along reasonably well with most kids, and so I thought if he did things with nicer kids outside of school, he might also tend to spend more time with them at school.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a little at the margins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You're fighting a losing if you're trying to control his choice of friends via playdates.

Is that true? DS gets along reasonably well with most kids, and so I thought if he did things with nicer kids outside of school, he might also tend to spend more time with them at school.

Yes, it is. He still wants to be friends with those kids, and will seek them out that much more at school because they're still exciting to him. Think about yourself with the people around you -- can you force a friendship with someone you're just kind of meh on simply by spending a lot of time with them? Or will you get tired of them all the time and start avoiding them? And you stop caring about your good friends just because you don't see them for a few weeks, or are you just happy to see them again when you do? Kids aren't just lumps of clay we can mold as we like, they have their own emotional lives with their own interpersonal connections and preferences.

[Anonymous]

I have been wondering the same thing OP, my feeling is that with summer coming I will encourage playdates with the better behaved kids and then re-evaluate in the fall.

[Anonymous]

hmmm, I wonder if this is why my kid never (never) gets asked on play dates. He is a nice kid, but manages to have a complete meltdown at some school function. In front of all the parents . . .

[Anonymous]

hmmm, I wonder if this is why my kid never (never) gets asked on play dates. He is a nice kid, but manages to have a complete meltdown at some school function. In front of all the parents . . .

I don't know what your post has to do with the original topic, which addresses boys who are cliquish and treat other students poorly vs. a kid who is immature and has a meltdown.

[Anonymous]

I always feel it's fine to control who is welcome in my home. I've told my DD what makes me like a kid and what doesn't. She knows which kids are welcome here. If the kids who aren't welcome here invite her she can go.

Sometimes we find out the kid is nicer than I thought, and sometimes DD finds out the kid is just like I thought and she drops them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

hmmm, I wonder if this is why my kid never (never) gets asked on play dates. He is a nice kid, but manages to have a complete meltdown at some school function. In front of all the parents . . .

I don't know what your post has to do with the original topic, which addresses boys who are cliquish and treat other students poorly vs. a kid who is immature and has a meltdown.

just parents choosing who their kids have playdates with, and seeing mine as undesirable (admittedly for different reasons than op). just a lighthearted post on a thread about to die anyway (it was at bottom of page)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always feel it's fine to control who is welcome in my home. I've told my DD what makes me like a kid and what doesn't. She knows which kids are welcome here. If the kids who aren't welcome here invite her she can go.

Sometimes we find out the kid is nicer than I thought, and sometimes DD finds out the kid is just like I thought and she drops them.

I would completely avoid this at all costs. Try not to single kids out but do explain what behavior is okay and what is not okay. Kids don't have filters. I had a friend do something similar and the kid ended up sharing with their friend and the friend told mom. All the mom knew was "Larla is not welcome in our home."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel it's fine to control who is welcome in my home. I've told my DD what makes me like a kid and what doesn't. She knows which kids are welcome here. If the kids who aren't welcome here invite her she can go.

Sometimes we find out the kid is nicer than I thought, and sometimes DD finds out the kid is just like I thought and she drops them.

I would completely avoid this at all costs. Try not to single kids out but do explain what behavior is okay and what is not okay. Kids don't have filters. I had a friend do something similar and the kid ended up sharing with their friend and the friend told mom. All the mom knew was "Larla is not welcome in our home."

NP: It really depends on your kid, you kinda have to know them. My DD at 5 had friends who didn't treat her that well, and definitely didn't treat other classmates well. When she'd tell me the latest troubling events, I had many conversations with her about what a good friend acts like and feels like, and encouraged her to find friends who made her feel good about playing with them and to ignore the bad behaviors of these other friends. I also flat out told her that she should really be careful of one girl who was proving to really be a problem (pushed my daughter off a jungle gym and pushed another girl backwards on some stairs - fortunately both were ok but I was done after those events). My DD never told the girl in question. She did tell the other kids she didn't want to play with them because they weren't being nice, and I'm fine with that and fine if they tell their parents my DD said it. But the one who I told her to really stay away from, she hasn't said anything to that girl yet and it's been almost a year.

OP, whatever you end up doing with playdates, communication with your son is key. Ask him about the behaviors you've observed in his new friends, ask him how other kids respond, whether they ever treat him that way. Ask him how he thinks other kids feel when those kids tell other kids they can't sit with them. Get some age-appropriate books on exclusion and bullying and "mean girls" (or mean boys) types of behavior. Use it as an opportunity to broaden his ideas about how classmates treat each other. And watch his own behavior on playgrounds etc. My own DD, who was always sooo sensitive to whether other kids wanted to play with her or not, I once observed her telling a girl (she was 4 at the time) that she couldn't play with her other new friend (she'd just met both that day). When the other girl tried to follow them, my DD pushed her away physically. I pulled her aside and had an immediate talking to her abotu all the things she'd learned in PS about "friends being kind - you don't have to like everyone, but you have to be kind to everyone". Made her go apologize and told her that she could either be nice to the girl and include her, or we were leaving immediately. Haven't observed her acting like that since (there were several other follow-up conversations). But when kids hang out with other kids who aren't kind, IMHO as parents we have to either limit access to the mean kids, or have ongoing dialogue with our own kids about what they're learning, how they're acting, how it feels ot be left out, etc.

[Anonymous]

Of course you can choose who you invite into your home. You don't even need to explain to your child your reasoning for why you are inviting one child and not another. We have some neighbors whose kids I do not invite over because they are frequently destructive, rude to me, and mean to my kids. If they want to play together they have plenty of opportunities at school and at the park.

However, what happens outside my house is not up to me, so I do not believe I can engineer their friendships through the right playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always feel it's fine to control who is welcome in my home. I've told my DD what makes me like a kid and what doesn't. She knows which kids are welcome here. If the kids who aren't welcome here invite her she can go.

Sometimes we find out the kid is nicer than I thought, and sometimes DD finds out the kid is just like I thought and she drops them.

This is us.

If it involves us driving, or having them to our house or supervising the play dates in the younger grades we find a way to not do so.

We have a fairly big tolerance for kid behavior. However, the kid who yelled at us, bullied our younger kid and repeatedly told us she didn't have to listen to us becasue we were not her parents is one that we always have something going on any time my kid wants to invite her over. They can play at school. She can come to group things like bday parties. But one on one? Nope. We always have "plans".

[Anonymous]

I have organized play dates for my 6 year DD with kids who I feel are a good influence and it has definitely led her to forming stronger bonds with those children and playing with them more at school. Not sure why you wouldn't do this...