Overbearing friend

[Anonymous]

Tween who has two best friends: one is overbearing and from a overly lax household (let's call her "A"); they are quite warm people. One is overbearing and from a overly strict household (let's call her "B"); they are quite cold people - more self centered ("me first", at any cost, from the mother and child). I am not here to judge parenting. I am here to better influence my child. I feel like DC is bookended by them, easily influenced, told what to do; and missing out. Sadly, DH is more lax; and I am far less easily influenced. I tend to value common sense. So, DC sees the lax behavior at all sides. I don't know how to keep DC safe. Right now, there are no issues (too young), but it won't be long before there are opportunities.

There is no give and take in the relationships DC has with the two friends, for the most part. I am reluctant to give examples, because I do not want my concerns pigeonholed to one or two examples. (Plus, any exempts would not be congruent). I know that the (2) friends have tried to keep other friends away from DC. There is a ton of jealousy, and telling DC what DC can and can not do; trying to take more than usual. Very worrisome. I have tried modeling and explaining, but DC takes it as criticism. I have tried explaining what a good friend is (and does!), but I feel like it is falling on deaf ears.

Has anyone BTDT; and possibly has useful advice (not criticism, thank you)?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I understand the question.

[Anonymous]

I think back to my own childhood and how hands off my parents were with my social life and you know, unless I was doing something illegal, I was grateful for that. I think you need to, as they say on DCUM, "let it go". I do think you are over-analyzing this and I am sorry that it is creating such anxiety for you.

[Anonymous]

How do I get help understanding this post?
Good Grief I'm confused !

[Anonymous]

A tween doesn't want us adults modeling anything for her. She isn't going to take in the explanations you're giving of what a good friend is, unless she takes it as your criticizing her friends -- and OP, criticizing her friends is the fastest route to making them much compelling to her. She's already feeling you're critical of them. That tends to make friends seem like forbidden fruit, "my poor misunderstood best buddy whom my parent just doesn't 'get,'" and so on. (Parent of younger teen girl here so I know where you're coming from, OP.)

Unless these two influencers are gettiing her to do stuff that's just plain wrong, then the only part of the post that goes beyond "Let her sort it out" territory is this:

"I know that the (2) friends have tried to keep other friends away from DC. There is a ton of jealousy, and telling DC what DC can and can not do."

They cannot keep other friends away from your child if your child is busy with activities that include other kids who are not these two girls. Rather than make these two a focus of discussion, modeling, etc., be sure your kid is doing something she truly likes and values that these other girls simply do not do. If your child has no outside activities beyond hanging out, being online or texting with these friends, being places with them -- that's an issue, and frankly it would be an issue even if you just loved these two girls. Kids need a broader base of friends by tween years for just this reason, so when things get too intense with friends from one world (like school), they can be with other kids who know them from an activity or church or volunteering or scouts or whatever they like to do. But OP, do NOT tell your child "You need to join Activity X so you can meet new kids." That will turn her off so fast her head will spin. She has to be interested in it and has to help choose. If she's already into somethign that the others don't do, see if there is more do to with that in summer.

Meanwhile: School's almost over. I found that summer, vacations, travel, "we've got plans that day, sorry, Sally can't come over" can cool off a lot of drama if kids are not either signed up to do everything together, or don't live right in the same neighborhood.

Importantly, does your daughter obey when they "tell her she can and cannot do," or does she stand up to them or say no at least some of the time? Does she talk with you about these friends or express her worries about their asking her to do this or that? If so - that is good; she's communicating with you.

[Anonymous]

14:17 - thank you for your support and insight, seriously. OP here. Anything more to add? I am open!

[Anonymous]

You can help your daughter stand up for herself. But forcing her to stay away from overbearing friends is kind of ironic, isn't it?

Most friendships at this age are far from perfect, OP. They are jealous, manipulative, and overbearing in their friendships. They often take turns being overbearing so you may see one side of this.

[Anonymous]

I let go of shitty friends the very moment my mother stopped pressuring me to.

Make of that what you will.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know where you're coming from - we're in the same situation here too. My daughter has an on-again, off-again friend who is quite manipulative. This "friend" can be mean as a snake one day, and super-sweet the next. As a mom, it's horrible to watch, but I've decided to say my peace and then try to butt out. When DD tells me how fun and nice this girl is, I asked her to please be careful because she's been burned by her before. I told her that she can be friends with whomever she likes, but she needs to be very wary with this particular girl and not be surprised if she turns on DD again. I feel like I've said what I needed to, but the rest is unfortunately up to her and it may take some more painful experiences for her to understand that a true friend doesn't treat her like that. Girls can be brutal and it's so difficult watching DD start to navigate this world, but I guess the most I can do is just be there for her when things implode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know where you're coming from - we're in the same situation here too. My daughter has an on-again, off-again friend who is quite manipulative. This "friend" can be mean as a snake one day, and super-sweet the next. As a mom, it's horrible to watch, but I've decided to say my peace and then try to butt out. When DD tells me how fun and nice this girl is, I asked her to please be careful because she's been burned by her before. I told her that she can be friends with whomever she likes, but she needs to be very wary with this particular girl and not be surprised if she turns on DD again. I feel like I've said what I needed to, but the rest is unfortunately up to her and it may take some more painful experiences for her to understand that a true friend doesn't treat her like that. Girls can be brutal and it's so difficult watching DD start to navigate this world, but I guess the most I can do is just be there for her when things implode.

+1

[Anonymous]

My DD has been under the influence of a very over-bearing friend at her current school.

The worm literally turned in her case. There was one day when my DD just decided enough was enough and she wasn't going to be told what to do by said friend.

The friend was shocked, it completely undermined her sense of being in charge - there were about 2 weeks where they argued between themselves and then they were friends again, but the dynamic had forever been changed.

My DD was no longer going to tolerate it and that was known.

I'm proud that she handled this herself because I was at a complete loss "spend time with someone else sometimes", "perhaps friend X isn't entirely reliable" and so on.

You have to trust your child to handle social situations themselves. We all underestimate them and they surprise us.

Keep supporting her and talking about what makes a good friend (but not too much) and let it play out.

And good luck.

[Anonymous]

PS. My dd (poster above) is 7 and all her classmates / friends are 8.