not talking about kid during dates

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced and share custody of a 5yo son. I try not talking about him on first dates, because they should be about whether I have a connection with the other person, and not him. But I often find it tough to avoid it, because even simple questions like, why do you live in __ , and what did you this/last weekend, often have a significant kid component (e.g., I live where I do for the schools). I don't want to hide him - and love my time with him -- but really think this is a better topic once I've developed an attraction/interest in someone. I was wondering if others in the same boat had any advice. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's bad that you want to talk about your child. I'm child free and am not really fond of children, but I wouldn't mind if you brought him up in conversation. If I knew you were a parent and you didn't mention your child at all that would be a red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

Please talk about your child. At least mention him. The person you're dating has a right to know what he's getting into. Also, most importantly, you and your child are a double packet, so to speak. You need to screen for lots of things before you get attached, since you're a mother.

[Anonymous]

It depends. Does the person know you have a child? You shouldnt drop that bomb after multiple dates.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid too. On dates I think it's fine to talk about, particularly with people who also have kids. In fact it's a great way to connect and get a sense of each other. It's the discussion of the marriage and divorce that should be studiously avoided early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced and share custody of a 5yo son. I try not talking about him on first dates, because they should be about whether I have a connection with the other person, and not him. But I often find it tough to avoid it, because even simple questions like, why do you live in __ , and what did you this/last weekend, often have a significant kid component (e.g., I live where I do for the schools). I don't want to hide him - and love my time with him -- but really think this is a better topic once I've developed an attraction/interest in someone. I was wondering if others in the same boat had any advice. Thanks in advance.

Would you rather have someone dump you because he doesn't want to be with someone with a child after you've gotten emotionally attached? It kind of feels like you're holding back on disclosing this because you're afraid of being rejected because you have a child and want them to hook the person person, but that's really not how it works. Don't waste your time on people who will be turned off by his presence in your life.

[Anonymous]

I think you should mention him (if you're doing online dating... you should mention him before a first date), but not get into long discussions about him. I would think it was really shady if someone didn't tell me about a kid on a first date.

[Anonymous]

I have custody of my child 24/7 so I honestly wouldn't have much to talk about if I didn't talk about him. I've found that men who have kids are a better fit for someone like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should mention him (if you're doing online dating... you should mention him before a first date), but not get into long discussions about him. I would think it was really shady if someone didn't tell me about a kid on a first date.

This. You need to mention your son on the first date. Some things are optional to mention, children are not (imo).

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't just blabber on about the child. But you certainly have to mention you have a child.

[Anonymous]

Since you are a "package deal," meaning that at this time, your child is a HUGE part of your life, it is only natural to include your son when discussing things about yourself.

When children are that young, a huge part of a mother's identity circles around her child. It just does.

So I wouldn't necessarily conclude that your child is not open for discussion. Freely mention him when applicable to the conversation, but try to steer things back to the person you are getting to know.

[Anonymous]

Some people might not want to date a single mother. You should definitely mention that you have a child but not go on about it.

Signed,

Single mom

[Anonymous]

I dated, then married a man who has two kids (I have kids too). We basically never talked about them until we were seriously talking about moving in together. We each knew the other one has kids, but we talked about our interests, our selves, things going on in the world, what we wanted in life, etc.

[Anonymous]

I don't hide the fact that I have a child - I tell people that before I go out with them. often they have kids too. But I don't really talk about my child on dates unless my date asks about her, and even then, I don't say much. ("She's with the sitter tonight." "She's 6, in kindergarten.")

I have to be careful when I'm talking to new people because I often use the "we" to refer to myself and my daughter, and sometimes guys think I'm talking about a husband. Trying to break myself of the "we" habit.

[Anonymous]

I get what Op is trying to say. I love my kids and they're an enormous part of me and of my story but I defiitely have an identity beyond them and that's what i try to convey on my dates. This does not mean I am trying to hide them or that I bypass answering in ways that dont mention them. If asked what i did for the weekend and the weekened involved my kids, then i bring that up. If i find that I have nothing to say beyond stories of my kids, then I reassess ME.