Collaborative divorce from hostile spouse

[Anonymous]

In an earlier discussion regarding collaborative divorce, most people seemed to think that going the collaborative divorce route vs. mediation is not such a good idea. Many actually indicated that the whole collaborative divorce process is a scam. I'm actually in the process of trying to get separated (and eventually divorced) from my husband through the collaborative process though the collaborative agreement has not yet been signed.

For us, I think the options are between collaborative vs. court. My husband is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Also, we have 3 small children. He absolutely does not want this divorce and would be very hostile to any process. We agree on nothing. He currently has control of all assets (my name is on nothing) and he believes I should get nothing. The only reason I think he agreed (at least verbally so far) to the collaborative process is because he cant stand the thought of not being in control and allowing a third party (the judge) to make the decisions. (He's also probably trying to stall things.) The reason I want a collaborative divorce is because I'm hoping the "divorce team" can get him to be realistic and fair in the best interest of our children. In court, with an adversarial attorney, I can only imagine what he's capable of. He's already trying to accuse me of being mentally unstable and unfit to care for our children with absolutely nothing to back it up.

So my question is, does anyone have any experience with a collaborative divorce from a hostile spouse? And given my situation, is a collaborative divorce something people would recommend? I am afraid we're going to go through the time and expense of this only to end up in court anyway because he will refuse to agree to anything he thinks benefits me in any way. In fact, I'm afraid that is his intention - to keep the process going as long as possible until I finally give up or all the money is gone.

I go back and forth between believing the collaborative process is the best option for bringing some civility to our relationship to feeling that the only way to move the separation and divorce forward is to have a court force him to do so, even though he will try to drag my name through the mud in the process. I would very much appreciate hearing any thoughts people have.

[Anonymous]

You cannot reason with the unreasonable. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Collaborative divorce cannot make hostile relationship civil, and it's cannot make an irrational person reasonable, especially not one who is emotionally abusive -- you'd need a therapist for that. It only works where people are in agreement about the decision to divorce and are committed to working together to find a fair resolution for both parties and your children. Your husband is opposed to the divorce and thinks you should get nothing, so he pretty much fails all of the preliminary requirements for successful collaborative divorce. Skip the expense and get ready to go to court, it'll save you time and money in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Collaborative divorce cannot make hostile relationship civil, and it's cannot make an irrational person reasonable, especially not one who is emotionally abusive -- you'd need a therapist for that. It only works where people are in agreement about the decision to divorce and are committed to working together to find a fair resolution for both parties and your children. Your husband is opposed to the divorce and thinks you should get nothing, so he pretty much fails all of the preliminary requirements for successful collaborative divorce. Skip the expense and get ready to go to court, it'll save you time and money in the long run.

+1. Collaborative divorce requires collaboration. Your husband refuses to collaborate. It's as simple as that. Get the best lawyer you can afford. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

File immediately with the court. It will take over a year to go from filing to get to court. Collaborative will not work with a hostile spouse. Definitely do not sign anything agreeing to forgo a court case if you work on mediating.

Collaborative divorce can be a good process with two civil spouses. It is more often a disaster for the women involved when the male has the money and the power. I have been down that road.

My ex expected to walk all over me. The thing he failed to realize is that since he had all the money, income, and power -- I really had nothing to lose by going to court. He was offering me a paltry settlement. In Maryland, custody will be split 50/50 barring some sort of true abuse or dangerous criminal activity. He fully expected me to capitulate and take what he offered. I stood firm (for the first time in 24 years). I ended up with what I think is a very fair settlement and a great custody arrangement.

Don't let him bully you right now. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

^^PP again. I thought we would succeed in a collaborative process. In the end, we spend thousands on the process ($60K) and got no resolution. I really wish I had filed for a court date immediately. Instead of wasting two years, the divorce would have been decided much quicker. My ex finally settled on the eve of the trial.

He also threatened to drag my name through the mud. You have to be really honest with yourself and be willing to hear some horrible things (mostly false, but a few grains of truth). I really had nothing to hide, but he would have had a lot of his affairs and other things come up in court. It probably would have affected his ability to secure employment in the future (which was in neither of our best interests).

In hindsight, the two things I would have done is file for divorce and get a court date immediately AND file an injunction that controlled his spending of our assets. He spent down over $1.5M in our savings during the two years I waited for a settlement. I should have been more aggressive in pursuing a court ruling to stop that. However, I was told by my legal team that such an injunction was nearly impossible to win in my case. Ultimately, the settlement did compensate me for some of his overspending.

[Anonymous]

I tried. Mom ease please do not try it. It will fail!!!

No reputable professional should tell you this will work w a hostile spouse. If they do, don't trust them.

Personally I think it's a bunch of opportunists who deal in collaborative divorce.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Sorry for typos! On phone.

[Anonymous]

maybe your husband does not want the divorce because he loves you and believes that some form of reconciliation is best for the kids. give him another chance. it's all about the kids and divorce is not always the best option.

[Anonymous]

I go back and forth between believing the collaborative process is the best option for bringing some civility to our relationship to feeling that the only way to move the separation and divorce forward is to have a court force him to do so, even though he will try to drag my name through the mud in the process.

The first part of your sentence is hope based on...what? certainly no evidence

The second part is the reality.

PPs have given you good advice.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he wants to do collaborative divorce is reason alone not to do it. Other than saying he wants to do it, he's given absolutely no indications that he would be a civil, reasonable person in this process. Do not be manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your advice. You have confirmed my own gut feelings which if i had paid more attention to such feelings when I first met him, I would not be in this situation. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm inspired by those of you who have already gone through it and survived. My strength comes from that knowledge and knowing my children deserve better.

BTW, my husband somehow knew immediately that I had posted the original message, emailing me the link and writing, "nice post." He is no doubt the one who wrote here that I should give him another chance. I'm clearly being monitored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so much for your advice. You have confirmed my own gut feelings which if i had paid more attention to such feelings when I first met him, I would not be in this situation. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm inspired by those of you who have already gone through it and survived. My strength comes from that knowledge and knowing my children deserve better.

BTW, my husband somehow knew immediately that I had posted the original message, emailing me the link and writing, "nice post." He is no doubt the one who wrote here that I should give him another chance. I'm clearly being monitored.

Damn.
To OP--good luck to you.
To OP's husband: why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Why do you think it's healthy for your children to be in such a hostile environment?

I hope for your children's sake, you can both put their needs above all else and work this out. Tearing down the other parent may make you feel good for a few minutes, but it will backfire on you in such a huge way in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all so much for your advice. You have confirmed my own gut feelings which if i had paid more attention to such feelings when I first met him, I would not be in this situation. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm inspired by those of you who have already gone through it and survived. My strength comes from that knowledge and knowing my children deserve better.

BTW, my husband somehow knew immediately that I had posted the original message, emailing me the link and writing, "nice post." He is no doubt the one who wrote here that I should give him another chance. I'm clearly being monitored.

Definitely go through the court and record everything that has happened. Save every nasty email, text what have you.

I'm not shocked he's monitoring you. He's trying to keep control on you. My ex did that. He hacked into my Facebook, phone and email. Dirtbag. We did mediation to keep costs low however it took a year of talking him down from want to pay out equity over 10 years to paying up front. Turns out, him getting a gf and getting laid was all it took for him to wise up and move on with the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe your husband does not want the divorce because he loves you and believes that some form of reconciliation is best for the kids. give him another chance. it's all about the kids and divorce is not always the best option.

Not your husband here - but why don't you each try to calm down and not talk about the relationship or anything and don't move out but just give each other time to breathe. It may take months but sometimes love returns. And to the husband - read some of the stuff in the Internet by marriage coach Jack Ito. I found myself in a situation where we were ready to divorce and when we were drinking just hated each other and said the most horrible things. We just tried chilling out and giving space (without moving out) and we are on a path to reconciliation. It can be done.