Possibly suicidal adult niece

[Anonymous]

My sister, who I don't interact with much, sent me an email today regarding my 22 yr old niece (our brothers daughter.) the email indicated my niece is having some problems with my brothers wife of 18 mo fighting with my niece and not allowing her to visit my brothers other kids (my nieces siblings.) my niece lives in her own apt with her sister who has problems, possibly autism or something) and is truly a nice, responsible young woman who had a shitty start in life thanks to my brothers first wife (mother of his 6 kids) who was lazy and neglectful. That's another thread. Anyway, my sister got message from my niece saying she's been thinking about ways to end it all because she can't deal with the way he step mother is treating her. My brother is the type to not confront problems and just say Ok Ok to please whoever is standing in front of him bit then not take any action to fix problems. I don't know a lot about the new wife other than she's been having mental health issues and has been in a psych ward at least a couple times recently to try and get her meds straightened out. She was my brothers hs girlfriend, they broke up, then got in touch a couple years ago around the time of his divorce.

My question here is what do I say to my niece, how do I help her? My sister and I are going out to dinner with her tonight and I want to come armed with something helpful I can do or say to help her understand yes she has a shitty family, no it's not her fault, yes you can make your future better by living your life the way you want, yes I agree your step mom is a nutcase, no you shouldn't take that personally etc.

I also want to kick my brothers ass (metaphorically) for allowing his wife to make his child feel that way. I feel like his #1 priority should be his kids,
Not the new wife.

Help me to help my niece, and I'll deal with my brother later, after I've talked to her tonight and have a better sense of what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you love her and you are there for her. Tell her that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and there is nothing in this world so terrible that cannot be overcome.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way for you to help lighten her load? It sounds like she may have too much on her playe. Also you could pay for therapy for her.

[Anonymous]

Suicidal ideation is not something that you can talk most people out of. With all due respect, the "permanent solution to a temporary problem" rhetoric is frankly pretty condescending. The problem with her relationship with her dad may never go away. But many of us have terrible relationships with our family of origin but do not contemplate or plan suicide. Her life is at risk. I would not resort to trite and simplistic reassurances.

I commend you, OP. My brother died by suicide and I would give anything to go back and talk to him again. I'd suggest saying something like:

"(niece), I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I would give anything to help you feel better. Your dad is screwed up, and his new wife sounds like a piece of work. But we love you no matter what, and your brothers do, too. They need you and love you and in a few years no one will be able to keep them from spending as much time with you as you all want.

You have had so much stress in your life since you were so young, and this latest crisis is really traumatic for you. I'm really afraid that all of these traumas have driven you into a really deep depression. I am here for you and love you and I am terrified that you might hurt yourself. I'd like to help you get support and treatment for your depression."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suicidal ideation is not something that you can talk most people out of. With all due respect, the "permanent solution to a temporary problem" rhetoric is frankly pretty condescending. The problem with her relationship with her dad may never go away. But many of us have terrible relationships with our family of origin but do not contemplate or plan suicide. Her life is at risk. I would not resort to trite and simplistic reassurances.

I commend you, OP. My brother died by suicide and I would give anything to go back and talk to him again. I'd suggest saying something like:

"(niece), I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I would give anything to help you feel better. Your dad is screwed up, and his new wife sounds like a piece of work. But we love you no matter what, and your brothers do, too. They need you and love you and in a few years no one will be able to keep them from spending as much time with you as you all want.

You have had so much stress in your life since you were so young, and this latest crisis is really traumatic for you. I'm really afraid that all of these traumas have driven you into a really deep depression. I am here for you and love you and I am terrified that you might hurt yourself. I'd like to help you get support and treatment for your depression."

Pp here. Sorry, I just want to clarify ... I'm not saying that you can't prevent a person from dying by suicide. You absolutely can. I'm saying that typically a suicidal person needs much more help than a good talk. Most people who die by suicide are seriously mentally ill. They need treatment in addition to love, support, and care. Please stay present for your niece. Physically if need be. Ask her to stay with you till she is safe.

[Anonymous]

contact the suicide prevention lifeline for assistance
1800273TALK

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

[Anonymous]

Yes, agree with all the PPs who said contact a suicide prevention line and ask for advice and how to approach the conversation.

But there are some basics that are, well, basic to those of us who work with difficult family dynamics professionally:

1) Before anything else, ASK your niece how she is. Ask her to say more about how things are going, how she's feeling, and which things/people/factors are making her feel the way she feels.

GET INFORMATION FIRST. Do NOT go in thinking you know what is going on and that you just need to fix it. Hear her out, be supportive, tell her what she tells you stays with you (unless she tells you she's being abused, in which case you may need professional help). And tell her there's nothing she can say that will make you turn on her, and hopefully MEAN it when you say it.

2) Once you've heard her out, and heard how she feels, ask HER how you can be most helpful. Hear her out on that too. If she doesn't know, ask her if you can visit with her more regularly, and tell your brother you just really want to see her more regularly.

3) If it sounds like things are really bad, one thing to talk to the suicide support lines about is how to help your niece develop a SAFETY PLAN. This is a plan for either physically getting out of the house if she's in danger or feeling like something is about to blow, AND/OR it's her safety plan if she's feeling desperate and considering suicide again. Those technically are 2 different plans, but you should help her with either or both, whichever her story tells you is most likely needed.

4) Ask yourself, your own family, and your sister what each is willing to do to support your niece once you understand her situation. Would any of you be willing to let her stay with you for awhile? Can you offer to facilitate transportation or just helping to get her to see her siblings? What can you offer that will be helpful?

Anything else depends on what is going on and what she tells you. But those are some basic guidelines that are relevant the vast majority of times.