Visiting in-laws for 3 major holidays
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Anonymous
| We live 3 hours from my in-laws, and they expect that we will be there on Thanksgiving, Christmas (after we spend part of the day at our own home), and Easter. My kids are 8 and 10. We've been doing this for the past 3 years (since moving closer to them for work). My family lives a plane ride away and we don't visit them on holidays, mainly because of the more expensive air fare during those times. My in-laws are nice people, but I would like to do Thanksgiving at our house because I would like to cook our own style of Thanksgiving dinner, establish some family traditions for our kids, and have 4 days of down time as a family that long weekend. I would also like to go to their house the day after Christmas, but they really want us there on Christmas day. Am I being unreasonable? I don't want my kids to be grown before we ever have a Thanksgiving day that we host. They are welcome to come to our house for these holidays, they just prefer to do all the holidays at their house. |
Anonymous
| Are there other grandchildren and/or children in the picture for your In-Laws? |
Anonymous
| Totally reasonable, and you know that! Just tell them exactly what you said here. |
Anonymous
| You're not being unreasonable. Put yourself and your family first. |
Anonymous
| Yes, my BIL and SIL and their 2 kids are in in-laws home town. BIL & SIL have another set of grandparents living there too (i.e., if my in-laws came to see us, BIL and SIL would still have one set of grandparents/family in town.). And we would invite them, too (but I'm sure they wouldn't come; we're not close with them, no drama, just not close). |
Anonymous
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You are not unreasonable at all.
You might consider alternating years as a compromise too--say alternate Thanksgiving or visiting on Christmas Day. |
Anonymous
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Of course they prefer to do holidays at their house, they have other grandkids they want to see too. feel free to do holidays at home, but they won't come. And you will get a lot of grief over it. Trust me I know, I have been doing this for years. But I particularly prefer Christmas to be at home, and Thanksgiving our work schedules make it tough for us to travel (but easy for them, they are retired!). But they never do.
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Anonymous
| I think you should do whatever you want for your family, but the PP who suggested alternating has a good idea if you don't want to just start off with a whole new tradition. Year 1: You do thanksgiving at your house and show up at the in laws' on Christmas day. Year 2, you go to them for Thanksgiving and either stay home at Christmas or go on the 26th. Repeat. |
Anonymous
| If you do change up traditions, present it as fact: "Mom, DW and I are planning to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. We would love for you and dad to join us. Would you consider it?" |
Anonymous
| You need to do every other holiday with them. We do every other. On the holidays we don't spend with my inlaws, we either fly to my parents or have a nice holiday at my house (in laws are invited, but the 3 hour trip is too much). |
Anonymous
| Find out from your spouse whether when he was growing up he went to his grandparents house for all those holidays, and find out when his parents started hosting the grandparents at your in-laws' home. Then you can make that a point of commonality and talk about wanting to do it at your house. I like PPs idea of a compromise, but I'd switch it up between Easter and Thanksgiving and just do Christmas at home. Otherwise you're spending three hours in the car every Christmas, which is just a drag. Your in-laws could be flexible and switch it up by coming to you every other Christmas. |
Anonymous
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Not unreasonable at all.
We have a similar situation -- ILs about 3 hrs away and my family on the other side of the country. Our compromise has been... Thanksgiving every year with the ILs. Xmas at home, go to ILs, either right after Xmas or for New Year's. My parents come visit us for Xmas every-other-year. Alternate years they stay at home and do xmas with my sister and her family. My ILs don't care about Easter so we're usually at home or on vacation. |
Anonymous
NP, but I'm in the same situation too. This sounds like too much! So even on years that you spend Christmas at home, you still have to go to their house after? Yikes. I'm trying SO hard to get away from this. What's up with grandparents not wanting to travel?? |
Anonymous
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OP, there is zero mention in the post about how your husband, their son, feels about any of this. At all. They are his parents; they are his to deal with if there is a conflict like this. Tell him, not them, that you really want to spend Thanksgiving at home and want to go to them on Dec. 26. See what he says. If he is from a family where everyone always and invariably went to the grandparents' house for these three holidays, you need to talk with him about how YOU were raised, if it was different, and about how it's not wrong or mean to want to establish some holiday traditions in your own home and to make some memories for just your family, not the extended family. Tell him there are other times the in-laws can see the kids too -- and tell him you'd love them to come to see a kid's sports tournament or school play etc. Show you do want to see them, just not to be expected to spend every single holiday with them. I hope he can get on board with you. It is not unreasonable at all to have at least one holiday in your own house, with or without the in-laws coming as your guests. Just curious - is there some reason why you didn't mention how he feels about this? Is he just interested in "keeping the peace" so he just says yeah, we'll do what we've done ever since we moved and just keep going over there? It's easy to go along to get along, but you have as much of a vote in your holidays as he does. That fact seems to get totally lost, a lot, when one person's parents are living close by; the other spouse ends up seeming to have no say in a holiday decision that is fifty percent his or hers too. And OP, this has happened every year since you moved. If you don't establish some holiday time for yourselves soon, it will become a precedent, "But we've always done it this way!" for the in-laws, your husband and maybe even the kids themselves. Compromise is key but you're not getting any compromise right now -- it's all three holidays, always with them; however, if you have not brought this up with your husband at all yet, do so now, well before Thanksgiving, because his parents are now going to assume you'll come to them. But if you have never mentioned it to him previously, he can't read your mind, so think about how to approach it and talk. In fact the easiest way to break the cycle could be to plan a trip with just you, husband and kids somewhere over all four days of Thanksgiving. "This year we won't be with you -- we are traveling as a family the whole weekend. It won't be many years until the kids are older and won't want to travel like this with us parents, or wont' have time." (and that's true, OP!) Your kids might love a trip more than a traditional dinner at grandma's or at your own house either...And a trip does away with the in-laws ability to say, 'You were in the area but still didn't come over!" |
Anonymous
| I'm like your husband in this situation - I'm used to spending all holidays with my parents, and absent any major plans that would conflict with that, it's my default. But my husband has voiced his preference to have at least some holidays just us. It's hard for me to imagine missing my parents, and my niece, and my parents missing their grandkids, but I recognize it's a reasonable request on my husband's part, so we're going with it. This will be the first year that I miss Christmas in my parents home. The idea is growing on me and I'm actually looking forward to getting to just rest & relax at home, with the family we've made together. |