help me deal with my mother who loves the attention she gets when she is sick

[Anonymous]

long story short - my dad is kind of an asshole. my mom seeks attention from my sister and me that my dad should give her. this has happened my whole life. i am now 42yo, married, with two young kids, work full time.

my mom is constantly calling/texting me when she is sick (which multiple times a year), telling me all about her symptoms, doctors appointments, meds that she takes, etc. sinus infection, stomach flu, asthma, allergies, etc etc. you get the picture. she wants my sympathy. for many years, i gave it. then, as more years went on, i became concerned that maybe she was dying or something. then, a few years ago, i came around to the fact that she was in fact not dying, is a person that gets sick a lot and she reaches out for attention because my dad doesn't give it to her (he has no patience for people who get sick. like i said, kind of an asshole).

so this week my mom has some sort of virus, first i get a text that they think this is the second time she has gotten the flu this year (turns out it isn't), she is running a daily fever, blah blah blah. today she has tried to call me twice and just texted me that she has an appetite today and even though she still has a 100 degree temperature maybe things are breaking. UGH UGH UGH!!! i don't want these details. i have been down this road so many times and i have just had it!!!! i don't want to give her attention because it just encourages her to keep doing this. but she is my mom, and is a dedicated grandmother, and i don't want to be an asshole either. i just don't want to give the small amount of time that i do have after working and taking care of my own family to indulge in this behavior.

how do i deal with this? i am at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Plan for 10-15 minutes a day to communicate with her. Understand that you can't make her talk about other things but try to steer the converstation towards other topics (books, tv shows, stories in the paper, gossip about neighbors...). Sometimes realizing what you can & can't change makes all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Minimal language and engagement.

All calls go to voicemail. Respond when there is a specific question you need to answer.

Text responses: Ok.

[Anonymous]

Teach yourself to respond once a day. If she calls, let it go to VM. If she texts, scan it to make sure there isn't an emergency, but don't respond until you're ready. Whether that is 4pm before you leave work or 8:30pm after you put the kids to bed, you let your phone run interference and you give her the attention when you have it to give. Don't let her put you on an interrupt schedule where you feel you have to respond to her immediately. Once you realize that you have control over how much she demands from you and you cut it back to a manageable amount, you won't feel as pressured by it nor as stressed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. wow, great suggestions!!! thank you all so much for constructive feedback and for not judging me! i will definitely try these approaches.

[Anonymous]

You're trying to be a dutiful daughter. We get that! I'm sorry you felt like you'd be judged.

My mother was the same. She had a romantic notion about illness, that we would all come to her bedside to comfort her if only she were sick enough.

She thought she had swine flu when my first child was born, so naturally couldn't come to the hospital. She demanded wheelchairs whenever we traveled. You get the idea.

Do what you can to satisfy this insatiable need. A loving text a day sounds good. Please never beat yourself up for not doing more. Nothing will ever be enough. Not ever.

[Anonymous]

You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

If my sibling's declaration of decline was real there is no way possible to have survived for over 15 years. This is ongoing with various illnesses, tests and such and a topic of discussion each time I call. But, I still call from time to time and I listen. I just do so dispassionately. It's not that I don't care, it's just that there is nothing I can do so I don't get emotionally involved.

BTW...unlike your mother, who seems to only do this during episodes of illness, there are those where it is 24/7/365. Perhaps you can balance her episodes and be grateful it isn't so often and also forgive your father for being a kind of asshole. I do believe that your resentment of him that makes it more difficult to deal with the issues around your mother's illnesses.

[Anonymous]

My mother is similar. Lots of oversharing. She is equally dramatic when I am sick. If she hears over the phone that I have a cough, it's all "Aare you OKAY? Can you go to a doctor? Do you know how to get to the nearest hospital? Can you get some popsicles or soup?!"

I just want to once respond "Settle down bitch. I just need a fucking sip of water." She works herself up into a tizzy thanks to never having worked through her issues with her own mother dying when my mom was a small child.

So when my mom has bronchitis or a cold or whatever I just say "Oh, sorry to hear you're sick; feel better soon." And then THAT'S IT. The grandchildren have nothing to do with this.

[Anonymous]

My mil is the same. She overshares everything regarding her health. I've seen emails from her to my husband about her UTIs...

[Anonymous]

Dealing with something similar, OP; although my mother lives alone (dad in nursing home) and is elderly. She also gets sick and demands attention, but from medical professionals AND family. She visits the ER and treats it like a spa day; have to hear all about how wonderful this nurse was, how concerned this doctor was, her wait time, etc.

She's the worst patient and never takes prescribed meds as prescribed and then complains she's not feeling better or is worse, then it's another trip for follow ups and demands for different meds.

[Anonymous]

13:36. Meant to add that in my moms case, it's all untreated, unrecognized anxiety. Unfortunately, we can head off her trips to the ER if we can talk to her about what is most concerning and if it merits a trip to ER, but we have to answer all the nervous calls and questions. Sad.

[Anonymous]

I freakin' HATE going to the doctor and I go only when I need to. Seriously I will never understand the mentality of someone who LIKES doing that.

It must be a disorder.

[Anonymous]

MIL gives us the rundown of all medical appointments, symptoms, prescriptions. She and FIl are healthy as horses but to hear them talk about it they've been on death's doorstep for about 12 years.

[Anonymous]

I can see how it would get to be annoying. I would call her once a day or whatever to check in and offer sympathy, and, unless it's an emergency, don't feel the need to respond to every email and call. Be preemptive about offering attention, and then don't feel bad about not offering constant attention.