Not interacting with MIL on Mother's Day-rude?

[Anonymous]

I just really can't get myself to do Mother's Day with my MIL this year. My mom is passed away and every year I feel sad, yet I put on my smiley face and give a gift, do lunch, etc with my MIL.

Maybe it's just me getting older, but I can't bring myself to put on the 'persona' this year. MIL aren't particularly close, we had a rough start but over the years we've gotten to a good place. I've never been a "daughter" to her, she has a daughter and I've always been the DIL. But we're kind to one another and I respect her as my husband's mother.

I've already skipped lunch, now the family is wondering if I'm going to go over there and hang out for a while at least. I didn't buy anything and she doesn't like flowers. Dh and kids have been with her and FIL since after our breakfast together so I'm not taking away her Mother's day, I just don't want to partake.

Am I being rude? Selfish? I don't even want to call her and say "happy mother's day", but it's not because of her, it's because of my own sadness.

[Anonymous]

You are being rude. You're assuming it's all about her on mother's day. Perhaps she would like to honor you on mother's day. Perhaps your husband and children would like to spend the day with as much family as possible.

I'm sorry your mother died. But your mother in law hasn't died. She's alive and would like to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you're being rude. You should at least make an appearance.

[Anonymous]

I think you're fine, OP. Sometimes you just need some alone time,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you're being rude. You should at least make an appearance.

Agreed. I lost my mom too and it sucks today. Really sucks. But you do have a family to be with. Be with them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's rude but the pp has a good point about your husband/children wanting to spend the day with you. Maybe explain your reason for wanting to be alone; it is very understandable.

[Anonymous]

Nope, do what you want. She's not your mother and has had many more mother's days than you have to do as she wishes.

[Anonymous]

You can only do what you can do. DH should let his mom know how much you wanted to be there, but are missing your mom a lot this year. You don't want it to appear that you're making a statement. And, like you said, you haven't taken anything away from her, you just can't rally.

Take care of yourself. There's no time limit on grief.

[Anonymous]

You are being deprived of your own time with your kids. It's your Mother's Day, too. Go over, say a quick HMD to your MIL, and enjoy the family you do have, even as you're missing your mom. If it's something that makes you happy, tell your kids some stories about your mom or bring her up ("my mother would have loved this Ceasar salad; that was her favorite kind of salad" or "your laugh sounds just like my mom's laugh" or whatever). Sorry you're missing your mother, OP. I'm glad you loved her enough to now be missing her.

[Anonymous]

If you were doing this every year, I would gently say you needed to find a way to be there with your family, even if you didn't enjoy it. But for one year, you can plead sad and take the holiday off. Talk to your husband, explain how you feel and ask him to relay your apologies and honest explanation -- this year the loss of your mother is getting to you more than most, and you just need the day to yourself. Then in a day or two, call your MIL and offer a belated happy mother's day.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your family say goodbye to grandma and come home to spend time with you??? Why is it you have to drop everything to go there. This is your day to spend as you wish and no one should try to guilt you into doing something you're not up for.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I lost my mom too and this is actually a hard day for me. You did your duty and now your DH can spend extra time with his mom. Stay home, relax and enjoy the quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just really can't get myself to do Mother's Day with my MIL this year. My mom is passed away and every year I feel sad, yet I put on my smiley face and give a gift, do lunch, etc with my MIL.

Maybe it's just me getting older, but I can't bring myself to put on the 'persona' this year. MIL aren't particularly close, we had a rough start but over the years we've gotten to a good place. I've never been a "daughter" to her, she has a daughter and I've always been the DIL. But we're kind to one another and I respect her as my husband's mother.

I've already skipped lunch, now the family is wondering if I'm going to go over there and hang out for a while at least. I didn't buy anything and she doesn't like flowers. Dh and kids have been with her and FIL since after our breakfast together so I'm not taking away her Mother's day, I just don't want to partake.

Am I being rude? Selfish? I don't even want to call her and say "happy mother's day", but it's not because of her, it's because of my own sadness.

No worries, OP. She should understand. MD is not for everyone. I feel the way you do (about Father's Day).

[Anonymous]

It wouldn't kill you to pick up the phone and call your MIL.

[Anonymous]

I also lost my mother and reading Facebook has been torture all day. I get that you are sad, but ignoring your MIL to have isn't going to take the sadness away.