How far should we "Lean In?"

[Anonymous]

Sheryl Sandberg's husband died at age 47 apparently from an accident on a treadmill while on vacation. David Goldberg apparently advised Sheryl to go work at facebook when her daughter was six months old. It seems like life is so fleeting when things like this happen. I wonder whether she is reevaluating the value of leaning in. What has been your experience? Are you satisfied with having leaned in or do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

I drew the line at large amounts of travel (more than 1 - 2x per month). It was a hard decision, but I'm glad I did. I personally am just unhappy traveling a lot, and it's hard on my home/family life. It was a career-limiting move, to move up further in my company, I would need to be willing to travel at the drop of the hat any time they wanted as much as they wanted.

I think the line is really different for each person. Some get a charge out of a really demanding job. Others are drained by it.

The one thing is though that I do think money shouldn't be the only driving factor for leaning in. Studies have shown that over a certain income level, your happiness doesn't go up any further. Absolutely, I think it's great to be ambitious and want to be able to provide first-class education to your kids, great vacations, nice housing, etc. But I think if someone is leaning in ONLY in the name of money beyond their basic needs (rather than personal fulfillment), that's a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Accidents happen and you can't live your life as though your DH will slip on the treadmill one day. Lean in if you want, lean out of you want... Do what's right for you and don't judge others who make different choices.

[Anonymous]

My dad died early. I am thankful my mom worked because if we had depended on my dad bringing in the income and her taking care of the family we would have been in difficulty. As it was, his life insurance helped bridge our adjustment. I think the possibility of having your spouse die early is all the more reason to "lean in."

[Anonymous]

I'm actually leaving my job after m 2nd is born for 6 or so months to look for new opportunities (I have no paid maternity anyway so its not much different really) because there is literally nothing to "lean in" to at my current organization- I'm stuck and make enough money to cover childcare for two, well almost. We'd pay out of pocket for me to work about 3K a year.

I took the job out of desperation to switch fields but now I am opting out. Oddly enough I am opting out in order to be able to find something that eventually I CAN lean in to.

But I also think the concept of "Lean IN" is kind of flawed in a lot of ways, there are only so many C-level people, its a huge sacrifice to get there (there is no such thing as "having it all" at the same time, you will sacrifice your personal life in many ways) and encouraging everyone to lean in just basically works to make the top people richer and everyone else a "slave to the corporate master" while being fooled into thinking that one day everyone can be super high up. Also, it isn't evidence based, in fact there was just some study, I think I heard on NPR about how women are actually perceived poorly for negotiating hiring salary and can effect job offers even though that is touted as advice women need to catch up to men on!

[Anonymous]

She gave a keynote at a women in computing conference where she reiterated that who you marry is a huge part of whether you are successful at work or not. And then she said "and if you can lean that way, get yourself a wife!"

because even in the middle of a "lean in" book tour, she was still embedded in the idea that "wife" is the supportive role.

[Anonymous]

"Leaning in" had nothing to do with the demise of this man. He died while on a vacation and while taking care of his health in a freak accident.

He did not die because his wife was "Leaning In", and he was working two jobs and looking after his kids and was stressed and had a heart attack at his office desk!

In fact, because his wife "leaned in", she is not a widow who is struggling financially now, even when her DH died suddenly at a very young age.

- A SAHM who did not "Lean In"

[Anonymous]

Since life is unpredictable, none of us should "Lean In" or take care of our health. or save for the future, or waste time going to the college, because, what is the point?

We can die anytime so we should live for the moment. Actually, we should not even have kids, because what if we die while they are still young?

I also think we should not travel, because, you can never predict if you will be safe or not.

[Anonymous]

"Lean In" was a lot about having a perfect husband. In that sense it was a weird feminist proclamation. Her construct ignored those who aren't in a perfect marital situation, and unfortunately that is where she sits now.

[Anonymous]

Whichever way you lean, you need to find the right balance for you. That will vary from person to person. Which is why books like "Lean In" are idiotic. There is no one-size-fits-all.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the Lean In already !

Here's a tip, be a leader not a follower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheryl Sandberg's husband died at age 47 apparently from an accident on a treadmill while on vacation. David Goldberg apparently advised Sheryl to go work at facebook when her daughter was six months old. It seems like life is so fleeting when things like this happen. I wonder whether she is reevaluating the value of leaning in. What has been your experience? Are you satisfied with having leaned in or do you regret it?

For an opportunity like that I can understand why she took the job. It's not like she took a job to be a cashier at your local walmart. Her position at Facebook is very powerful. She will probably be written about in history books about powerful women. If I had the opportunity to take a great job like that I absolutely would.

As for me, I wish I had leaned in more and then I might be further along in my career. I got a bit lazy after I had my first kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Lean In" was a lot about having a perfect husband. In that sense it was a weird feminist proclamation. Her construct ignored those who aren't in a perfect marital situation, and unfortunately that is where she sits now.

Not really a "perfect" husband, but a full equal partner (husband or wife). I do think that's a fair point. Truth is, you really can't lean in if you don't have that. And you're much better off marrying someone who wants to be that than marrying someone who doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whichever way you lean, you need to find the right balance for you. That will vary from person to person. Which is why books like "Lean In" are idiotic. There is no one-size-fits-all.

If you're LEANING, how can you be BALANCED?
Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whichever way you lean, you need to find the right balance for you. That will vary from person to person. Which is why books like "Lean In" are idiotic. There is no one-size-fits-all.

If you're LEANING, how can you be BALANCED?
Duh.

That's easy. You balance by one parent leaning in and the other leaning out. Simple physics and mathematics.

In all seriousness, I don't think there's a perfect universal formula to achieving work/family balance. I lean in because DH had job failures, so now he leans out. Sometimes I envy his freedom to work less and have more time at home. Sometimes I know he envies me because I have a higher profile and better paying job. Sometimes I envy the extra closeness he has with our kids because of all those times he had to be the default parent. Sometimes he envies me for seldom having to be the default parent any more. Whatever. In the end you just do the best you can and hope you don't screw up your kids too much along the way.