how to get my husband to agree to plan to have more kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm not talking about trickery or forcing him into the decision or into having kids that he doesn't really want. It is not something I take lightly and I realize how important it is for us both to be in agreement about how many kids we want/can handle. Currently, this is all just hypothetical as we just have 1 baby (under a year old). But things are going so well and we're both so loving being parents thus far that I've been thinking a lot about how many we ultimately want to have (yes, I know we don't have control over this but in an ideal world...). We are both 30 so we have some time but I'd love to have 4 kids (and be done having kids before I'm 40) and so I don't want to wait too long! Meanwhile, my husband thinks we should only have 2 kids. He only has 1 sibling, each of his parents only has 1 sibling...it's his 'norm' He's also more concerned than I am about money, I think primarily because he grew up not having much $$ whereas I grew up fairly wealthy so he understandably worries more about finances than I do but I think I'm pretty realistic about finances too. We currently are doing just fine-- no debt and both have stable, lucrative careers.

Anyone out there have a similar situation and were you ever able to get your spouse agree to have more kids? If so, what types of things helped you convince them?

[Anonymous]

I would have kid #2 before you worry about this. It's a whole 'nother ballgame. Keep the spacing under 3 years so you are able to go forward if you both decide to.

[Anonymous]

This is a long time away from now. Worry about having your next before you worry about your fourth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not talking about trickery or forcing him into the decision or into having kids that he doesn't really want. It is not something I take lightly and I realize how important it is for us both to be in agreement about how many kids we want/can handle. Currently, this is all just hypothetical as we just have 1 baby (under a year old). But things are going so well and we're both so loving being parents thus far that I've been thinking a lot about how many we ultimately want to have (yes, I know we don't have control over this but in an ideal world...). We are both 30 so we have some time but I'd love to have 4 kids (and be done having kids before I'm 40) and so I don't want to wait too long! Meanwhile, my husband thinks we should only have 2 kids. He only has 1 sibling, each of his parents only has 1 sibling...it's his 'norm' He's also more concerned than I am about money, I think primarily because he grew up not having much $$ whereas I grew up fairly wealthy so he understandably worries more about finances than I do but I think I'm pretty realistic about finances too. We currently are doing just fine-- no debt and both have stable, lucrative careers.

Anyone out there have a similar situation and were you ever able to get your spouse agree to have more kids? If so, what types of things helped you convince them?

He sounds more sensible than you. I agree with PP -- two is a totally different ballgame. Have the second one -- then think about it. Also, sit down and write down monthly expenses with 4 kids...it's pretty breathtaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a long time away from now. Worry about having your next before you worry about your fourth.

Yes, but it's good to think of the whole picture. For example, you don't want to wait 5 years to have your 2nd if you intend to have 4. Though I agree, you can't really worry about trying to convince your spouse of anything quite yet. Have the 2 he is comfortable with and then see how you feel from there but don't wait too long to have #2 in case you do decide to have 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not talking about trickery or forcing him into the decision or into having kids that he doesn't really want. It is not something I take lightly and I realize how important it is for us both to be in agreement about how many kids we want/can handle. Currently, this is all just hypothetical as we just have 1 baby (under a year old). But things are going so well and we're both so loving being parents thus far that I've been thinking a lot about how many we ultimately want to have (yes, I know we don't have control over this but in an ideal world...). We are both 30 so we have some time but I'd love to have 4 kids (and be done having kids before I'm 40) and so I don't want to wait too long! Meanwhile, my husband thinks we should only have 2 kids. He only has 1 sibling, each of his parents only has 1 sibling...it's his 'norm' He's also more concerned than I am about money, I think primarily because he grew up not having much $$ whereas I grew up fairly wealthy so he understandably worries more about finances than I do but I think I'm pretty realistic about finances too. We currently are doing just fine-- no debt and both have stable, lucrative careers.

Anyone out there have a similar situation and were you ever able to get your spouse agree to have more kids? If so, what types of things helped you convince them?

He sounds more sensible than you. I agree with PP -- two is a totally different ballgame. Have the second one -- then think about it. Also, sit down and write down monthly expenses with 4 kids...it's pretty breathtaking.

It sounds like you have 4 yourself so don't begrudge the OP the 4 that she desires

[Anonymous]

Have a second child and then reassess. Having one baby is easy. I thought I wanted three but now I have a 9 month old and 2.5 year old and it's pretty challenging. I still think I could handle a third but not sure I want to anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not talking about trickery or forcing him into the decision or into having kids that he doesn't really want. It is not something I take lightly and I realize how important it is for us both to be in agreement about how many kids we want/can handle. Currently, this is all just hypothetical as we just have 1 baby (under a year old). But things are going so well and we're both so loving being parents thus far that I've been thinking a lot about how many we ultimately want to have (yes, I know we don't have control over this but in an ideal world...). We are both 30 so we have some time but I'd love to have 4 kids (and be done having kids before I'm 40) and so I don't want to wait too long! Meanwhile, my husband thinks we should only have 2 kids. He only has 1 sibling, each of his parents only has 1 sibling...it's his 'norm' He's also more concerned than I am about money, I think primarily because he grew up not having much $$ whereas I grew up fairly wealthy so he understandably worries more about finances than I do but I think I'm pretty realistic about finances too. We currently are doing just fine-- no debt and both have stable, lucrative careers.

Anyone out there have a similar situation and were you ever able to get your spouse agree to have more kids? If so, what types of things helped you convince them?

He sounds more sensible than you. I agree with PP -- two is a totally different ballgame. Have the second one -- then think about it. Also, sit down and write down monthly expenses with 4 kids...it's pretty breathtaking.

OP here: yes, he is certainly more sensible than I am. Good advice about writing down monthly expenses w/ 4. I assume you have 4 kids based on your response. Are you glad you had 4 or do you wish you had stuck w/ 1, 2 or 3 (obviously I'm not asking if you regret any of your actual children specifically but do you regret having that many kids for practical reasons?)

[Anonymous]

4 kids is pretty disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I would encourage you to take this decisionkid by kid.

We originally though we wanted 4 kids. We ended up with 3 kids in 4 years. I love where we are with 3. It's a lot of work but it's working for me. My husband still wants a 4th but I'm on the fence. my pregnancies have gotten progressively harder with the last one ending with a stressful induction due to possible pre-eclampsia. My body has also had a harder time recovering--this 3rd baby really did a number on my abs. Also, I'm tired. I'm happy but tired.

I think with 3 I can manage cooking and laundry and still be present in all activities and I worry with a 4th, I'll lose that balance and feel more like a maid.

I'm not saying you'll have the same experience as me but it's possible that with each kid (and the phases they will each go through) you may change your mind about how many you want.

It's fun to dream and plan but I think kids is an area to wait and see...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 kids is pretty disgusting.

from an environmental standpoint or ???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage you to take this decisionkid by kid.

We originally though we wanted 4 kids. We ended up with 3 kids in 4 years. I love where we are with 3. It's a lot of work but it's working for me. My husband still wants a 4th but I'm on the fence. my pregnancies have gotten progressively harder with the last one ending with a stressful induction due to possible pre-eclampsia. My body has also had a harder time recovering--this 3rd baby really did a number on my abs. Also, I'm tired. I'm happy but tired.

I think with 3 I can manage cooking and laundry and still be present in all activities and I worry with a 4th, I'll lose that balance and feel more like a maid.

I'm not saying you'll have the same experience as me but it's possible that with each kid (and the phases they will each go through) you may change your mind about how many you want.

It's fun to dream and plan but I think kids is an area to wait and see...

op again thank you for your post. good advice. i think you are right about how much fun it is to dream and plan but that im getting a little ahead of myself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 kids is pretty disgusting.

I have four kids and while they can sometimes be disgusting life is really beautiful.

[Anonymous]

You can never convince someone to have more kids than thy want. As a mom of two - wait and see. It is a WHOLE new world once you're one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not talking about trickery or forcing him into the decision or into having kids that he doesn't really want. It is not something I take lightly and I realize how important it is for us both to be in agreement about how many kids we want/can handle. Currently, this is all just hypothetical as we just have 1 baby (under a year old). But things are going so well and we're both so loving being parents thus far that I've been thinking a lot about how many we ultimately want to have (yes, I know we don't have control over this but in an ideal world...). We are both 30 so we have some time but I'd love to have 4 kids (and be done having kids before I'm 40) and so I don't want to wait too long! Meanwhile, my husband thinks we should only have 2 kids. He only has 1 sibling, each of his parents only has 1 sibling...it's his 'norm' He's also more concerned than I am about money, I think primarily because he grew up not having much $$ whereas I grew up fairly wealthy so he understandably worries more about finances than I do but I think I'm pretty realistic about finances too. We currently are doing just fine-- no debt and both have stable, lucrative careers.

Anyone out there have a similar situation and were you ever able to get your spouse agree to have more kids? If so, what types of things helped you convince them?

OP, the question isn't how you're doing currently. It's how does your future earnings trajectory match up with the expenses of four children? Will you be able to fund all of their activities, pay for college to whatever extent you think you should, etc. Will you really be able to both work full-time when you have 4 kids under 10? What about the possibility of special needs that are expensive and also require you to leave your job? What are your home ownership and retirement goals? You and your DH may not be on the same page about what your future financial obligations actually are.