Apathetic Tweens

[Anonymous]

I'm basing this question on a previous thread. I want my kids to be well-rounded but they don't share the sentiment (eg., get good at playing an instrument, develop leadership skills, get involved with a youth group, learn a new skill, a foreign language, etc.). Their at that age in which they will only do things if it personally interests them, which, of course, is mostly electronics. Most of the things I want them to do, they perceive as being nerdy, but I know that these types of things may help them get into a good university down the road and just develop them as strong, independent human beings. How are you parents encouraging your tweens to be well rounded without forcing it - I don't want to helicopter! Is it just the luck of the draw?

[Anonymous]

^^They're (before coffee)

[Anonymous]

I sign them up and take them with a big smile.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had the answer. Two of my kids were very interested in being well-rounded as tweens/teens, one of my kids has been much more challenging in that regard. She's a reluctant reader, not althletically inclined, and not really very ambitious about developing interests and talents. I sort of insisted she have at least one outside activity every week -- for a while it was volleyball, later it was guitar lessons. She still is the kid who likes lots of time to just watch youtube videos and chat online with friends. I give her lots of space to do this, however sometimes we put our foot down and encourage her to do something else, like take the dog for a walk or try her hand at making a new recipe in the kitchen (she likes cooking). If it's any comfort at all, I think tweens sometimes get more morivated to branch out as they move into adolescence. DD is more open to new things now at 16 than she was at 12 or 13, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had the answer. Two of my kids were very interested in being well-rounded as tweens/teens, one of my kids has been much more challenging in that regard. She's a reluctant reader, not althletically inclined, and not really very ambitious about developing interests and talents. I sort of insisted she have at least one outside activity every week -- for a while it was volleyball, later it was guitar lessons. She still is the kid who likes lots of time to just watch youtube videos and chat online with friends. I give her lots of space to do this, however sometimes we put our foot down and encourage her to do something else, like take the dog for a walk or try her hand at making a new recipe in the kitchen (she likes cooking). If it's any comfort at all, I think tweens sometimes get more morivated to branch out as they move into adolescence. DD is more open to new things now at 16 than she was at 12 or 13, for example.

I think this is a wise reply. OP, your child may change as she moves from tween to teen.

Also, I know other parents like the one who posted here, parents who do insist that a child have at least one outside activity every week -- a music lesson, a once-a-week sport (obviously we're not talking about pushing some kind of intense team sport or travel team etc.), or a class in art or dance or even a school-related extracurricular. For the PP's child I'd even suggest that the parents find her a teen cooking class -- there are now more and more cooking schools around our area and several offer cooking classes or one-time cooking workshops aimed at tweens/teens!

OP, I think it's fine to do as the PP did and tell your child that there needs to be one activity a week, and she gets to choose it -- but it's going to happen. Give your daughter lots of choice so she feels she has some control here -- tweens and teens really crave control, so give it where you can.

She may have no idea at all that there are a lot of activities available that are not just being on a sports team. Or see if she would be interested in volunteering somewhere if she's old enough. There are some age restrictions on volunteering at various places but not all. Does she have a pet? Maybe volunteer at an animal-related charity. And so on. If she's watching animal videos on YouTube, talk with her and see if she wants to work with real animals too. If she's watching music videos, maybe she would actually be interested in a class at the School of Rock if there's one near you (kids' music school chain--friend's daughter loves singing rock there). And so on.

Please don't worry at this point about how things will look to colleges, or about her being "well-rounded" with languages or leadership skills as you mention in your post. Focus for now on getting her in an activity that interests HER. What she chooses might seem like it's not meeting an adult definition of well-rounded or building up skills for college, but anything that gets her thinking and interacting and creating will actually help her overall. Right now the issue is just getting her up and out of the house and off electronics for a while.

OP, is your daughter interested in anything that's available at school? Our middle school has an ecology club that does a lot of plantings around the school; after-school drama; newspaper; a Lego robotics club; an art club. Yeah, the school year's nearly over so that ship has sailed for now, but next year, I would see if she might want to try a school-based club or activity. If she has school friends doing it that might prompt her to do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm basing this question on a previous thread. I want my kids to be well-rounded but they don't share the sentiment (eg., get good at playing an instrument, develop leadership skills, get involved with a youth group, learn a new skill, a foreign language, etc.). Their at that age in which they will only do things if it personally interests them, which, of course, is mostly electronics. Most of the things I want them to do, they perceive as being nerdy, but I know that these types of things may help them get into a good university down the road and just develop them as strong, independent human beings. How are you parents encouraging your tweens to be well rounded without forcing it - I don't want to helicopter! Is it just the luck of the draw?

Of course they are. Few ten-year-olds are going to think, "I really don't want to do this, but I'm going to anyway, because it will help me be well-rounded and get into a good college."

You should raise the children you have, not the children you want to have. Expose them to lots of different things, but let them develop their own interests, on their own schedule.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all your replies and ideas.

In answer to your question, PP, I do suggest a lot of after-school activities and the answer is always "no". She is on a sports team (not intense, no scholarship potential but very good at it) and I am grateful for that.

I feel that if I get her in an activity, its me pulling the leash and I hate that! I want her to take the initiative. I will say this year she dropped out of the school play and our neighborhood swim team and is now saying she wants to do both activities in eighth grade, so I see what you are saying about patience. I did have her sign up for a volunteer activity (animal shelter, no less!) of her choice and those clowns didn't call back!

I do recall that in middle school I was 100 percent free range and I chose all my activities and did everything on my own (which were mostly social, but my kid does not have the social interaction that I had).

I guess with all the pressure on kids these days and seeing a lack of interest in activities and reading about other people's 'tweens being so involved not to mention people I know personally, I am somewhat concerned.

I do remember in HS getting more involved myself and it not being something my parents EVER pushed me into. I even volunteered for a scientific program that the county offered (and no teens volunteered) and I did that myself. I didn't even do it to pad my resume.

So maybe I just need to be patient, but I am concerned that she doesn't have the social outlets that I had (I was at a small private school overseas, which I think helped).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm basing this question on a previous thread. I want my kids to be well-rounded but they don't share the sentiment (eg., get good at playing an instrument, develop leadership skills, get involved with a youth group, learn a new skill, a foreign language, etc.). Their at that age in which they will only do things if it personally interests them, which, of course, is mostly electronics. Most of the things I want them to do, they perceive as being nerdy, but I know that these types of things may help them get into a good university down the road and just develop them as strong, independent human beings. How are you parents encouraging your tweens to be well rounded without forcing it - I don't want to helicopter! Is it just the luck of the draw?

Of course they are. Few ten-year-olds are going to think, "I really don't want to do this, but I'm going to anyway, because it will help me be well-rounded and get into a good college."

You should raise the children you have, not the children you want to have. Expose them to lots of different things, but let them develop their own interests, on their own schedule.

Sometimes "their own schedule" is incompatible with the college admission timetable, and that is not OK in our household.

Therefore, we take this approach as a PP suggested:

OP, I think it's fine to do as the PP did and tell your child that there needs to be one activity a week, and she gets to choose it -- but it's going to happen. Give your daughter lots of choice so she feels she has some control here -- tweens and teens really crave control, so give it where you can.

To be clear, we would never make DS join the squash or crew team specifically because those 2 sports are advantageous for Ivy applications. That's not what I mean. But, he does not get to choose to do nothing but Snapchat and Xbox from ages 11-17 and then possibly someday "on his own schedule" at age 28 discover that he enjoys triathlon and German literature.

All the 100% laissez faire baby boomer parents I know well who took PP's suggestion to let Caitlin develop "on her own schedule," entirely, now have 27 year old adult children living in their basement, paying for none of their big expenses (car, insurance, rent, food) and working seasonally at organic farms in Pennsylvania and Vermont if they feel like it. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm basing this question on a previous thread. I want my kids to be well-rounded but they don't share the sentiment (eg., get good at playing an instrument, develop leadership skills, get involved with a youth group, learn a new skill, a foreign language, etc.). Their at that age in which they will only do things if it personally interests them, which, of course, is mostly electronics. Most of the things I want them to do, they perceive as being nerdy, but I know that these types of things may help them get into a good university down the road and just develop them as strong, independent human beings. How are you parents encouraging your tweens to be well rounded without forcing it - I don't want to helicopter! Is it just the luck of the draw?

Of course they are. Few ten-year-olds are going to think, "I really don't want to do this, but I'm going to anyway, because it will help me be well-rounded and get into a good college."

You should raise the children you have, not the children you want to have. Expose them to lots of different things, but let them develop their own interests, on their own schedule.

Sometimes "their own schedule" is incompatible with the college admission timetable, and that is not OK in our household.

Therefore, we take this approach as a PP suggested:

OP, I think it's fine to do as the PP did and tell your child that there needs to be one activity a week, and she gets to choose it -- but it's going to happen. Give your daughter lots of choice so she feels she has some control here -- tweens and teens really crave control, so give it where you can.

To be clear, we would never make DS join the squash or crew team specifically because those 2 sports are advantageous for Ivy applications. That's not what I mean. But, he does not get to choose to do nothing but Snapchat and Xbox from ages 11-17 and then possibly someday "on his own schedule" at age 28 discover that he enjoys triathlon and German literature.

All the 100% laissez faire baby boomer parents I know well who took PP's suggestion to let Caitlin develop "on her own schedule," entirely, now have 27 year old adult children living in their basement, paying for none of their big expenses (car, insurance, rent, food) and working seasonally at organic farms in Pennsylvania and Vermont if they feel like it. Nope.

Really, ALL of them?? I have trouble believing your sweeping generalization, PP. I think if you don't allow your kids to take initiative, they won't learn to take care of themselves and depend on others to tell them what to do as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes "their own schedule" is incompatible with the college admission timetable, and that is not OK in our household.

In our family, getting into a good college is not the primary goal of child-raising. But I understand that different families do different things.

[Anonymous]

Really, ALL of them?? I have trouble believing your sweeping generalization, PP. I think if you don't allow your kids to take initiative, they won't learn to take care of themselves and depend on others to tell them what to do as adults.

OK, you got me. Sometimes the 27 year old kids do move out and live on their own, 4 to an apartment, so they smoke weed without complaint from the 'rents about second-hand smoke.

I also agree with you that eventually, these un-launched adults will learn to take care of themselves. It's bound to happen.

Our position is that too many windows slam shut, likely forever, during the 14 years that Aidan is finding himself hand-weeding the organic beets.

An 11- year doesn't have the maturity to appreciate the statistically probably repercussions from opting out of college, grad school, study abroad, externship, lab mentor, research grant, service academy etc etc etc opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Really, ALL of them?? I have trouble believing your sweeping generalization, PP. I think if you don't allow your kids to take initiative, they won't learn to take care of themselves and depend on others to tell them what to do as adults.

OK, you got me. Sometimes the 27 year old kids do move out and live on their own, 4 to an apartment, so they smoke weed without complaint from the 'rents about second-hand smoke.

I also agree with you that eventually, these un-launched adults will learn to take care of themselves. It's bound to happen.

Our position is that too many windows slam shut, likely forever, during the 14 years that Aidan is finding himself hand-weeding the organic beets.

An 11- year doesn't have the maturity to appreciate the statistically probably repercussions from opting out of college, grad school, study abroad, externship, lab mentor, research grant, service academy etc etc etc opportunities.

OP here: You remind me of Robert DeNiro's character in Meet the Parents, but point well taken and coffee aptly spit out in response.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but activities as a middle school student mean nothing on applications. I went to a boarding high school with 100% college acceptance; more than half of the students didn't have a single activity during middle school. As parents now, it's roughly the same percentage. The only activities that would even tick for an admissions counselor would be something that the kid did in middle school and high school, and if your child has to be forced into choosing something? They aren't likely to want to continue it later.

I don't like have high school students pick up activities just to pad an application. Maybe that's just me. Not going to happen. If the teen wants to volunteer with the animal rescue, peachy, I know who she can talk to. Otherwise? Nope, not pushing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Really, ALL of them?? I have trouble believing your sweeping generalization, PP. I think if you don't allow your kids to take initiative, they won't learn to take care of themselves and depend on others to tell them what to do as adults.

OK, you got me. Sometimes the 27 year old kids do move out and live on their own, 4 to an apartment, so they smoke weed without complaint from the 'rents about second-hand smoke.

I also agree with you that eventually, these un-launched adults will learn to take care of themselves. It's bound to happen.

Our position is that too many windows slam shut, likely forever, during the 14 years that Aidan is finding himself hand-weeding the organic beets.

An 11- year doesn't have the maturity to appreciate the statistically probably repercussions from opting out of college, grad school, study abroad, externship, lab mentor, research grant, service academy etc etc etc opportunities.

Lovely tone, PP. I hope for your child's sake you don't adopt this much hostility an condescenscion with him/her.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a 10 YO DS who is sort of this way. He is 100% into sports, nothing else.

DH is adamant that he become more well-rounded, mostly because he's not as good at sports as he thinks he is and if he ever thinks he's going to play in high school -- much less college or the pros -- he's probably kidding himself.

So, for example, we insisted that he be in the school musical this year. By insist, I mean we bribed him. Put the deal on the table -- you do this, you get that. Worked just fine. And he's actually had a good time with it, though I most probably will not hear him admit that.

Yes, I think with kids at the tween age, you do insist that they try new things. You are still the parents and you know what is best for them.