I need to get out of my toxic work environment, but how can I handle things in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

I had a meeting with my manager yesterday in reference to why I was turned down for a recent promotion. She says that she spoke with the manager in the respective department and the consensus was that people think that I am mean and impossible to work with. Which is definitely not true, I am just quiet. My manager says she knows this is true, but in order to progress I need to be more outgoing. I can't really relate to my coworkers and it's not my ideal working environment due to it not being diverse. I'm African American just like approximately 70-80 percent of the people here. Obviously, I know the solution is to find a new job. But it's a struggle to be here. I want to quit so badly, but it's not financially feasible. I honestly am struggling to do any work and my morale is low.
How can I deal with while looking for a new job?

[Anonymous]

Why can't you relate to your coworkers? I would start there. Do they go to lunch or happy hours? Maybe join them. Maybe bring in donuts and put them out for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I don't have the same interests as they do. Most of them are in their early to mid 20s. I'm 30. I'm interested in more nerdy things, for example, watching Jeopardy is fun to me. I'm not into pop culture at all. I'm not into the bar/club scene and I never really partied much during college. I guess I kind of a bore to them.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. Your manager said she knows it's true, or did you mean not true? Also, are you AA like the majority of your colleagues or not? In my experience, it's hard to undo the damage of being labeled at work, whether its a fair label or not. Hang in there, I hope the job hunt doesn't take too long.

[Anonymous]

I am in a very similar boat (different details, but also stuck in a disheartening work environment and struggling to maintain morale). What's worked for me is to both try to reinvest in my job, while I make plans to find a new one. I had to have a long, honest talk with myself to face up to the fact that I was in part being self-pitying, and that there were in face legitimate issues of "fit" on the job -- even if it is also true that I am being treated unfairly. So for you, it sounds like maybe acknowledging that you need to learn to play the game a bit more with your coworkers and be a bit more social might be what you need to accept. Also you could ask your boss sincerely for guidance about what you can do to fix the problem. Even something as dumb as going to a training or seminar might help.

Another crucial, crucial part of this is to try to depersonalize it. You're being treated unfairly, but don't take it personally. On some levels work is a game or a contest, so just try to learn to play by the rules FOR NOW while you look for a better environment.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. Your manager said she knows it's true, or did you mean not true? Also, are you AA like the majority of your colleagues or not? In my experience, it's hard to undo the damage of being labeled at work, whether its a fair label or not. Hang in there, I hope the job hunt doesn't take too long.

My manager knows that I am not quiet and mean, but I just cannot relate to my coworkers so that's why I stay to myself since we don't have much to share. Yes, I am AA as well

[Anonymous]

Do you have a college degree, or are you working on one? If so, you can get career counseling at their career center. All universities offer it to their alumni. Get your resume updated, let them give you a pep talk, brush up your linked in page and pound the pavement. Feeling proactive about moving on will make you feel much better.

[Anonymous]

Also to add: this is a workplace so I don't understand all the emphasis on sharing and hanging out. You shouldn't be made to feel inadequate because you prefer to keep your head down at work. You're in a very young workplace and you might do better where the average age skews older and you can find some mentors.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about them. I'm 29 and have friends ranging from 23-43. There are many early to mid 20 Year olds who hate the crowded bar/club scene.

[Anonymous]

I know that they go to clubs and bars as its something that they discuss often. A few of them go out together. I do have a degree. I graduated 5 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT leave your job or quit until you find another job. Figure out how to tough it out. Put on a happy face, make sure the work you do is solid. Say 'Hi' to your coworkers every day. Give yourself little breaks or treats throughout the day to look forward to (like go for a walk at noon, call a friend for 10 minutes, etc).

You will find another job but there is no telling how long it will take. Don't jepordize your financial well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a meeting with my manager yesterday in reference to why I was turned down for a recent promotion. She says that she spoke with the manager in the respective department and the consensus was that people think that I am mean and impossible to work with. Which is definitely not true, I am just quiet. My manager says she knows this is true, but in order to progress I need to be more outgoing. I can't really relate to my coworkers and it's not my ideal working environment due to it not being diverse. I'm African American just like approximately 70-80 percent of the people here. Obviously, I know the solution is to find a new job. But it's a struggle to be here. I want to quit so badly, but it's not financially feasible. I honestly am struggling to do any work and my morale is low.
How can I deal with while looking for a new job?

People say similar things about me, but struggle to find an exact example when I was hard or difficult. It's like fighting a reputation that's untrue. If it comes up again, ask them for examples and constructive criticism on how to handle situations better. Let them see you are working on it.

If they really do think you are mean and impossible, could you count on them as references for a new position? Consider making things better where you are while looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

You have two choices as I see it.

Option 1) Divest emotionally. Leave work at work. Do a solid job, but no need to go overboard, staying late, etc. Focus on completion of tasks and work life balance and having enough energy/time to job hunt and do things that you enjoy and that reward you. Remind yourself why you have this job: maybe take more advantage of all of its benefits, particularly any training they offer.

Option 2) Re-up and locate an incremental strategy to change your image. You could start by talking frankly with your manager about how she'd recommend you make these changes. You might be surprised at her advice if you ask for it. You cannot change your personality, so the idea is to change perception of your image. Common ways to do this: start with one or two colleagues, those you've had successes with in the past. Invite them to coffee or lunch and don't make it a work chat, just make it a friendly chat. Join a cross-departmental team, such as if your office has a committee that plans maternity leave parties or the holiday party. Tell your boss you'd like to join. Bring ideas. Be a team player and reinforce ideas that are getting momentum.

I personally don't have a strong feeling which way is best. If there are things to love about your current job, #2 may be the better way. On the other hand, work environments have a culture and not everyone enjoys every work culture. I worked on place that was a party culture and I am very social, but my idea of social is getting a cup of coffee, having a book club, and I felt like a fish out of water the whole time I was there...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a meeting with my manager yesterday in reference to why I was turned down for a recent promotion. She says that she spoke with the manager in the respective department and the consensus was that people think that I am mean and impossible to work with. Which is definitely not true, I am just quiet. My manager says she knows this is true, but in order to progress I need to be more outgoing. I can't really relate to my coworkers and it's not my ideal working environment due to it not being diverse. I'm African American just like approximately 70-80 percent of the people here. Obviously, I know the solution is to find a new job. But it's a struggle to be here. I want to quit so badly, but it's not financially feasible. I honestly am struggling to do any work and my morale is low.
How can I deal with while looking for a new job?

People say similar things about me, but struggle to find an exact example when I was hard or difficult. It's like fighting a reputation that's untrue. If it comes up again, ask them for examples and constructive criticism on how to handle situations better. Let them see you are working on it.

If they really do think you are mean and impossible, could you count on them as references for a new position? Consider making things better where you are while looking for a new job.

I have a few references set aside

I believe that the issue is that the environment isn't really a professional and at work I have a professional demeanor. I was taught that there are certain behaviors that aren't displayed at the workplace, ie loud talking and arguing. This occurs a lot at my job and nothing is done about it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you don't smile or seem short with people? I think you should do some reflection on this. There is a middle ground between clubbing with your co-workers and people saying you are mean. Maybe you show frustration easily or are just too quiet and again don't smile or come off as judgemental/ aloof.