Advice for confused husbands...

[Anonymous]

And some sympathy, too.

This is a response to the "husband sucks in bed" thread that started in non-explicit, got moved, and then trolled to the point of futility. So, here's an attempt at reframing the issue and inviting discussion.

The original poster admitted to craving "dominate & agressive" men in bed. Meanwhile, DW loves her husband for his cooperative, egalitarian parenting and spirit.

My read is that OP is independent, direct, accomplished and assertive. DH probably finds this attractive, respects DW for it, and demonstrates this by not being a boor.

That said, how does this guy know when to be Alan Alda and when to be a bad boy?

(Note: this is posted on explicit, too, so if you want to offer that type of advice, hop over there. See, the inclination some of us confused guys have about treading lightly when we love strong, independent women?)

[Anonymous]

Most people want a "lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets." Just saying, it goes both ways.

I married a super nice guy. It's a big turn off when he's too nice or considerate in bed. I've told him that and he's learned over time what I want.

[Anonymous]

You have a conversation about it. You talk about what you mean by being more dominate. Pin my arms during sex-yes; bending me over while I'm in the middle of doing the dishes-no.

Keep talking and refining what really got you hot. Both parties have veto power. But if you dont oppose it, give it a shot.

[Anonymous]

Recently realized this is what my husband's probably confused about too. It's nice knowing he's attracted to the fact that I'm accomplished professionally and academically (something I've lost sight of since I've become a SAHM, but he hasn't). Actually turns me on more.

[Anonymous]

Grammar police: "being dominant" not "being dominate".

The thing where woman want to be treated equally everywhere but the bedroom, in my mind, speaks to the privileged position women have when it comes to sex. Overall, the demand of men for sex exceeds the supply women will willingly provide, meaning women can demand more of what they want.

Having the other person be dominant means that the submissive person can be a little lazier. The dominant person has to be the creative one, has to be the one to bring the energy to the situation.

So, to a certain extent, this business about wanting to be equal everywhere but the bedroom suggests that women want the privileges of equality but not the burdens. It's not much different from women saying they still want men to pay for the date.

And, yes, it does send mixed messages to men who are constantly told not to objectify women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grammar police: "being dominant" not "being dominate".

The thing where woman want to be treated equally everywhere but the bedroom, in my mind, speaks to the privileged position women have when it comes to sex. Overall, the demand of men for sex exceeds the supply women will willingly provide, meaning women can demand more of what they want.

Having the other person be dominant means that the submissive person can be a little lazier. The dominant person has to be the creative one, has to be the one to bring the energy to the situation.

So, to a certain extent, this business about wanting to be equal everywhere but the bedroom suggests that women want the privileges of equality but not the burdens. It's not much different from women saying they still want men to pay for the date.

And, yes, it does send mixed messages to men who are constantly told not to objectify women.

Pap, just curious. Is yours a M or F perspective.

[Anonymous]

Pap. Damn auto correct. Meant PP.

[Anonymous]

Why is it always what women want??? What about what we want???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grammar police: "being dominant" not "being dominate".

The thing where woman want to be treated equally everywhere but the bedroom, in my mind, speaks to the privileged position women have when it comes to sex. Overall, the demand of men for sex exceeds the supply women will willingly provide, meaning women can demand more of what they want.

Having the other person be dominant means that the submissive person can be a little lazier. The dominant person has to be the creative one, has to be the one to bring the energy to the situation.

So, to a certain extent, this business about wanting to be equal everywhere but the bedroom suggests that women want the privileges of equality but not the burdens. It's not much different from women saying they still want men to pay for the date.

And, yes, it does send mixed messages to men who are constantly told not to objectify women.

Must be a man. Women don't ALL want less sex. I definitely want 3x more than my DH. Several of my girlfriends are the same way. Stop generalizing that all women are low drive.

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy here. I want to make DW happy. Especially in our sex life. At the same time, I don't want to blow it by making a move that she finds offensive.

It helps to hear from other women what they find attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it always what women want??? What about what we want???

Women need more wrt sex. It is biological. It is an invasion of sorts so the women needs to be completely comfortable and feel safe. It also takes longer for a women to warm up.

IME, if you give a woman what she wants, you get what you want.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the problem is that both men and women are victims of mixed messages. The guy's challenge to equality everywhere but in bed is compounded by the women's challenge of "nice girls don't..." even they do.

[Anonymous]

You're never going to figure out what your DW wants by asking DCUM. You can only find out what your DW wants by asking your DW. Not all women like the same thing. I don't even like the same thing every week. One time I might want DH to be more in control, and another time I might want to be on top.

If someone is complaining that they aren't getting what they want in bed from their DH or DW, but they're also not speaking up about what it is they want, they need to accept responsibility for that. Don't expect your spouse to be a minder reader. And don't expect to figure out what one particular person wants by asking the masses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're never going to figure out what your DW wants by asking DCUM. You can only find out what your DW wants by asking your DW. Not all women like the same thing. I don't even like the same thing every week. One time I might want DH to be more in control, and another time I might want to be on top.

If someone is complaining that they aren't getting what they want in bed from their DH or DW, but they're also not speaking up about what it is they want, they need to accept responsibility for that. Don't expect your spouse to be a minder reader. And don't expect to figure out what one particular person wants by asking the masses.

Fair enough. I'm not looking for a mind reader. I am interested in a variety of ideas. DW is pretty game and a good lover. She is one of the "nice girls don't talk about" types. I'm always anxious about going too far. And sometimes I feel like I'm out of new tricks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're never going to figure out what your DW wants by asking DCUM. You can only find out what your DW wants by asking your DW. Not all women like the same thing. I don't even like the same thing every week. One time I might want DH to be more in control, and another time I might want to be on top.

If someone is complaining that they aren't getting what they want in bed from their DH or DW, but they're also not speaking up about what it is they want, they need to accept responsibility for that. Don't expect your spouse to be a minder reader. And don't expect to figure out what one particular person wants by asking the masses.

What a woman says she wants sexually, what she thinks she wants, and what she really wants might be three very distinct things. There is some cognitive dissonance going on when a woman subconsciously gets turned on by a guy who treats her rudely.