Dealing with siblings who are addicts

[Anonymous]

I found out today that my brother has relapsed. This is not the first time in his 20 year history of drug and alcohol problems. The difference is he now has a job, wife, and children. My SIL has (rightly) kicked him out and will not allow him to live at home with his kids until he is no longer using and in treatment. He's not going to work and not answering texts and calls from family; SIL thinks he is staying with a friend. Over the past few months my instincts told me that he was slipping - angry, unable to cope with everyday stresses, irrationally impatient with all of us.

I've worked very hard to be independent from my loving but enabling parents. My parents care for my brother's kids, provide them with some financial support, and are basically totally enmeshed in their lives. My mom is heartbroken about everything but also angry - they funded several trips to rehab already. I suggested to my parents that they go to Al-Anon (we did counseling during my teen years and they thought it was useless since my brother never cooperated.) I don't want to distance myself from my family but I"m feeling like I have no capacity to handle the drama. I have my own DH and kids and have tried to shield them from this as much as possible. I'm feeling angry, sad for my SIL and their kids, sad that my bro can't figure out how to be a happy, sober person...it's been 20 years on this roller coaster. How can I still be loving and supportive without getting involved? I've already fielded several calls from my mom and SIL today and I'm so torn.

[Anonymous]

It's not clear what involvement your family is asking for that you don't want to do. If they just want to talk to you, get support, maybe even seek family counseling...I'm not sure what the objection would be to this. When you talk about the drama--do you just not want to talk about it with them at all?

[Anonymous]

Just go about your life and let your brother sort his out. There isn't anything you can do for him.

DH has a sibling who is an addict. She has stolen from her parents, refuses to hold a job, and works only menial jobs when she does have a job. She still lives with them at almost 40 years of age. I can't do anything to help and neither can DH, so we just go about our lives. We used to offer advice to DH's parents, but DH's parents refuse to take good advice. At this point, DH's sister is past the point of help, most likely, and will always rely on them financially and emotionally.

The way I see it, DH's parents raised her to be the mess she is, so they can deal with her. I just watch and learn so I don't make the same mistakes with my kids (being too indulgent, refusing to give consequences, going into denial) that they did.

[Anonymous]

"Dealing with siblings who are addicts"

There is no dealing with an addict. There is no curing an addict. There is however help for families of addicts and alcoholics through counseling and Al Anon. That is how you and others will find peace and gain greater understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go about your life and let your brother sort his out. There isn't anything you can do for him.

DH has a sibling who is an addict. She has stolen from her parents, refuses to hold a job, and works only menial jobs when she does have a job. She still lives with them at almost 40 years of age. I can't do anything to help and neither can DH, so we just go about our lives. We used to offer advice to DH's parents, but DH's parents refuse to take good advice. At this point, DH's sister is past the point of help, most likely, and will always rely on them financially and emotionally.

The way I see it, DH's parents raised her to be the mess she is, so they can deal with her. I just watch and learn so I don't make the same mistakes with my kids (being too indulgent, refusing to give consequences, going into denial) that they did.

Sounds like you don't know anything about addiction.

For the OP, if they aren't asking you to do anything then just distance yourself emotionally. I personally don't understand why you wouldn't want to be involved with his family since they now don't have a healthy Father. My Aunt died of alcoholism and uncle is in and out of rehab. We treat their children as our own.