Selfish DW and DD's Education

[Anonymous]

DW has told my daughter she will not pay for her college and she is telling me also that she will not support me in my efforts to do so. I have been trying to save money for DD's college since she was born. For much of that time, DW has not worked. She started working last year and refuses to marry her income with mine and then jointly figure out how to save for college, retirement, etc. She basically she says she gets one life and she is going to live it wit her money. She says as her DH, it is my responsibility (and problem) to figure out to pay for everything.

I now feel that the only way for me to: a) ensure that my DD's college is paid for; b) be able to keep funding my retirement, I will need to file for divorce. No amount of counseling will fix this. We have gone through it, and she gets nasty when it comes to money issues.

She has needlessly upset my DD and I am tired of the stress that my DW puts on me. I fail to understand how someone could be so selfish.

[Anonymous]

You should definitely divorce. Not because she won't pay for DD's college (that is purely optional and she can always take out a loan) but because she is so horribly self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I would divorce.

[Anonymous]

I don't say this often, but it really feel for you. I read this and thought "this can't true". You know it - take care of your kid.

[Anonymous]

There is something else going on here, probably many things.

[Anonymous]

There are many things, but this is the last straw. She feels entitled to "compensation" for all her years working as a SAHM. That is her complaint about my asking to now shar accounts and expenses.

She is thinking only about herself and not the family unit.

I am just sad it comes to this and that in the end it is true that the only person she cares about is herself.

[Anonymous]

How old is your DD? This can't be a new problem. How did your wife talk about money and finances early in marriage? If you initially agreed to her demands, it isn't really fair to change now.

[Anonymous]

You said "my DD." Is she not your wife's daughter as well?

[Anonymous]

Demands have only appeared since she started working

[Anonymous]

But you know what, terms are renegotiable always, especially when circumstances change. She has effectively al,it's doubled our income. If she won't share, I'll get a divorce lawyer to pry it all out of her to look out for my DD's best interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said "my DD." Is she not your wife's daughter as well?

I don't understand why people harp on this use of possessive pronouns. That kid is way more his than she is yours. And he's the one writing, not both he and his wife. You are reading way too much into this.

[Anonymous]

She's going to get half your retirement in divorce, OP. Just letting you know.

I'd meet with an attorney or some time of financial planner and see how you might be able to set up a trust for your daughter. Do a will that leaves her everything. That type of thing.

Then see if divorce is beneficial/necessary. And I hate being one to encourage divorce. I hate divorce. But this huge divide on money has to be unbelievably stressful.

People I know who act like your wife have very deep seated issues with money since childhood, and I don't think there is any way to change it.

[Anonymous]

This is the most unbelievable thing I've ever heard. So what's yours was hers but what's hers is hers?? Holy crap. Again, I don't say this often either, but I think divorce might be in your future. I agree, you can't fix that kind of thinking. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Meet with a lawyer and financial advisor to see where DD's and your best financial interests are. I agree that your wife is irrational to an extreme degree. Perhaps if you could explain her POV a little more, we could give you some more advice?

[Anonymous]

This sounds fishy. There has to be another side to the story. For example, perhaps he was extremely controlling about money before the wife started working?

Something similar happened to my in-laws. My FIL was super controlling about money and treated it like it was HIS. Then my MIL inherited a vast estate and all of a sudden my FIL wanted joint accounts and to share. My MIL refused and demanded to keep things the way they were for years.