Would this annoy you
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Anonymous
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Hello looking for feedback and please be kind this is stressful enough. My aunt who also my godmother, her daughter is having a wedding in another state. I am actually okay with no kid weddings as it gets expensive etc etc. I was okay with going to this wedding(at my aunt's home) but recently found out there will be kids there and it is an afternoon wedding and my aunt is cooking with some extra stuff brought in for a buffet. Wedding is in the afternoon. My point is that this is not a per head thing at a country club and there will be kids there (other cousins kids also young). My kids 6-9 are well behaved. This is a pretty objective statement as they are known for being calm/quiet. To add to this, we have treated these relatives multiples times for vacations and we do that because we know there are financial things in play and it is nice to have your kids now relatives. Gotta tell you though that it hurts that the one time they could do something nice they are not. My husband said no to going to the wedding now and I agree, it would bother me to see all those kids and think why not mine. To make matters worse, it is mother's day weekend (another thing that bothers me) and he is not willing to travel away without kids and go to a family wedding where it's obvious our kids are excluded. He thinks they are hoping for a nice check from us. He is annoyed and I understand. That being said he encouraged me to let it go, send a gift (not money) and just explain no travel without kids on Mother's day. He said getting into this and asking about it would just be a problem and so assign value to the relationship where it is. He is your typical guy and won't get into drama. I do go ahead and send regrets and a present and my aunt called and left a message that she was surprised we weren't coming. I would like to ask why not my kids but thinking of my husband's perspective. I guess I just say mother's day etc and let it go and think before I write a check for a vacation?
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Anonymous
| Did they tell you specifically that your kids were not welcome - not clear from your post? |
Anonymous
| If other kids (who are not in the wedding) are invited, I would be a little hurt. Send your regrets, a gift and forget about it. |
Anonymous
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People like you are the reason I eloped.
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Anonymous
| I would just look at is as an opportunity to enjoy a weekend without my kids. It would be nice to spend some quality time with my husband and I wouldn't bother counting how many kids were "allowed" bc honestly there has to be a cut off point at sometime and its never personal. They obviously love your children. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you are distraught that other relatives were being allowed to bring children, but the same was not extended to you. I think you need to take a step back and look at this another way. What if the other people bringing children to this "no kid" wedding simply decided that they were not going to honor the request and forced their kids on the event, requesting accommodation? Do you want to follow suit and force the issue? It's understandable to not want to travel with kids. Don't take it personally right now. The couple is likely very stressed and not really thinking all of this through. Send a gift that you feel is appropriate and catch up with them later. |
Anonymous
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Goodness. Paragraphs are your friend. It's a little hard to follow.
Since it's your aunt I think it would have been okay to say, "hey, I see X is bringing their kids. Since it's mother's day weekend, would it be ok to bring mine?" The worst that could happen is she says no. That window of opportunity has closed. At this point I would say you aren't attending due to it being Mother's Day weekend, but I'll be honest, that's a lame excuse for not attending a family wedding. This is your cousin. As far as paying for vacations, I think it's obvious you are feeling taken advantage of. I wouldn't offer to pay for anymore vacations if you are going to hold this over their head as owing you something for it. I think it's great if you want to include them and pay for them, but you shouldn't have an expectation of them doing something for you. |
Anonymous
| I always find it annoying to find childcare. But, would it annoy me that my cousin/godmother's daughter has not invited my kids to her wedding? No. Would I go even though it's Mother's Day weekend? Yes. The world doesn't revolve around me and Mother's Day just doesn't require any kind of major celebration. If my kids wanted to do something for me, they could certainly slip a little gift into my suitcase and facetime me on Mother's Day morning. As to my husband, if I had childcare, I would want him to go, but if he was refusing, then I'd go alone. Finally, whether your kids are well behaved is a subjective statement, not an objective one. But, regardless, if your cousin doesn't know them, it is fine not to invite them. There are almost always some kids at no kids weddings and yours just aren't close enough to the bride and groom to have made the cut. |
Anonymous
| I always find it annoying to find childcare. But, would it annoy me that my cousin/godmother's daughter has not invited my kids to her wedding? No. Would I go even though it's Mother's Day weekend? Yes. The world doesn't revolve around me and Mother's Day just doesn't require any kind of major celebration. If my kids wanted to do something for me, they could certainly slip a little gift into my suitcase and facetime me on Mother's Day morning. As to my husband, if I had childcare, I would want him to go, but if he was refusing, then I'd go alone. Finally, whether your kids are well behaved is a subjective statement, not an objective one. But, regardless, if your cousin doesn't know them, it is fine not to invite them. There are almost always some kids at no kids weddings and yours just aren't close enough to the bride and groom to have made the cut. |
Anonymous
| I'd be annoyed, OP. I get it. (And I am usually the most pro-etiquette people out there.) But... you need to decide if the hurt/anger you feel now will be greater than, or less than, the hurt/guilt you will feel later if you don't go. Pick the less painful of two options. |
Anonymous
I get it too. I'd be a little annoyed. But, chances are, this is waaaaaay less about you than you think. Could just be an oversight, could be financial, could be a head count... you'll never know. What you DO have on your side is that it is Mother's Day weekend. That's your ticket! Send a lovely gift (not cash, since that's your husband's concern) and move on. |
Anonymous
| Thanks for all the responses. I am sending a gift not cash. I could see how people thought I was holding things over their head for an invite. I don't see it that it way. I see it as we are close enough to be the go to people for all issues financial..and there are a lot and the one time and I do mean one time they could do something nice for us they aren't. I would never bring up things I have done for them to them, I am bringing it up on an anonymous forum for context why I am hurt. I do think maybe some people may have pushed for invites for their kids, I agree that is pushy and I would not do that. I am sort pondering is if it is fair for me to be hurt and is it something I talk about in terms of why I am not going. I would not accept a kids invite after the fact and realize if I brought this up it would escalate. As for Mother's day--well that is a holiday our family assigns a lot of value to. We have little rituals and the kids get excited. So I have closure that I do want to be with my kids on Mother's day. Anyway..thanks for all the many perspectives. Sorry I am not a writer..doing the best I can. |
Anonymous
| How do you know other kids are invited? |
Anonymous
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I would be annoyed and hurt. It's incredibly tacky to invite some people's kids and not others. I would do as you did and send a gift (not cash) and regrets. I wouldn't have offered up a reason, but since you are close to the aunt and she asked, I think I would have said that I didn't want to be away from my kids on Mother's Day.
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Anonymous
| Oh, and let us know what happens! Is it possible that not listing kids on the invite was an oversight and they are assuming you know the kids are invited? |