At what point do you end - or severely limit - your relationships with your parents?

[Anonymous]

Becoming a mother has brought up a lot of painful emotions regarding my own childhood and upbringing. After several hostile years, I maintain distant, but polite, ties with my parents but I'm beginning to question the wisdom of that. Without becoming maudlin, I was sexually abused (almost totally covertly) by my dad and rejected/neglected and verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by my mom. These issues have never been discussed, and I feel sick with anger and resentment, and the weight of the shame I carry. I'm thinking of cutting them off - if not entirely, then keeping relations extremely distant, never initiating, and holding no visits. (They are divorced btw.) The only real hesitation I have about cutting them off is that it would complicate my relationships with other members of my family.

Have you been through a similar situation? What did you do? How is it going?

[Anonymous]

Cut them off. I cut off my bitch mother for less. You will never get what you wanted or needed from these people. You're a mom now, so am I. It really helps with the healing.

God, does your DH know all this? I can't imagine anyone wouldn't tell you to cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Would it make you feel better to cut them off and *tell* your close relatives the truth? Because that's a way to break the shame taboo - have it all out in the open.

As a dispassionate third party, I can't imagine leaving a sexual abuser his secrets. If his local circle is informed, at least they have a chance of acting on that information and protecting any children near him. I understand this comes at a cost to you. But my question is, in the long term, wouldn't it eventually make you feel better as well?

Perhaps you need to talk to a therapist and join a support group. I'm sure other victims or therapists experienced in helping such victims will have sound advice.

Your parents don't deserve a relationship with you, that's clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut them off. I cut off my bitch mother for less. You will never get what you wanted or needed from these people. You're a mom now, so am I. It really helps with the healing.

God, does your DH know all this? I can't imagine anyone wouldn't tell you to cut them off.

My DH does know, and is supportive of my cutting them off, but also acknowledges the difficulty that might come in terms of reunions/events and relationships with other family members. It's up to me (of course). I guess I struggle because I've seen (been told of, by my stepmom) my 12 year old half sister start to exhibit behaviors that would suggest sexual abuse. I feel paralyzed.

Thanks for your encouragement, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Would it make you feel better to cut them off and *tell* your close relatives the truth? Because that's a way to break the shame taboo - have it all out in the open.

As a dispassionate third party, I can't imagine leaving a sexual abuser his secrets. If his local circle is informed, at least they have a chance of acting on that information and protecting any children near him. I understand this comes at a cost to you. But my question is, in the long term, wouldn't it eventually make you feel better as well?

Perhaps you need to talk to a therapist and join a support group. I'm sure other victims or therapists experienced in helping such victims will have sound advice.

Your parents don't deserve a relationship with you, that's clear.

I want nothing more than to confront him and tell people in my family what happened. However, as a teenager and young adult I was very unstable and dealt with mental health issues (no surprise, I guess) and I fear my father would use that as a way to invalidate what I say.

[Anonymous]

My mother's third husband sexually abused me, and she took his side. I have not spoken with her since I was a teenager.

My father, who had been encouraged by my mother to leave me alone when they got divorced, upon finding out, entered into a protracted custody battle and ultimately paid her off to get physical custody of me.

She did not get invited to my wedding and has not met my children. I feel no guilt or sadness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Would it make you feel better to cut them off and *tell* your close relatives the truth? Because that's a way to break the shame taboo - have it all out in the open.

As a dispassionate third party, I can't imagine leaving a sexual abuser his secrets. If his local circle is informed, at least they have a chance of acting on that information and protecting any children near him. I understand this comes at a cost to you. But my question is, in the long term, wouldn't it eventually make you feel better as well?

Perhaps you need to talk to a therapist and join a support group. I'm sure other victims or therapists experienced in helping such victims will have sound advice.

Your parents don't deserve a relationship with you, that's clear.

I want nothing more than to confront him and tell people in my family what happened. However, as a teenager and young adult I was very unstable and dealt with mental health issues (no surprise, I guess) and I fear my father would use that as a way to invalidate what I say.

There is nothing he can do or say to hurt you anymore.
You are not telling the truth so that people can believe you.
You are telling the truth to place the burden of responsibility on him.
Let people believe what they want, the choices and consequences will be on their heads.
That will relieve you of the responsibility of hiding a crime, and putting other children at risk.

I hope you come to that realization. My situation cannot be compared to yours, but I had this same moment of realization with my mother - she started making up all these untrue rumors about me to the family. At first, people believed her and I didn't know what to do. I stayed courteous with everyone, held my head up high and did not engage beyond stating the bare facts. I was the picture of calm and rational restraint, and she was the opposite. Now everyone knows she was lying, partly because I acted more credible than she. Appearance is so important to be credible, and you have to be prepared with an ironclad persona to deal with family members and close friends. Don't worry about your behavior at the time - cause-and-effect can go both ways, and it will go your way if you act in a mature manner now.

Let me reiterate once again that you need help and support from experts to think this through and carry it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut them off. I cut off my bitch mother for less. You will never get what you wanted or needed from these people. You're a mom now, so am I. It really helps with the healing.

God, does your DH know all this? I can't imagine anyone wouldn't tell you to cut them off.

My DH does know, and is supportive of my cutting them off, but also acknowledges the difficulty that might come in terms of reunions/events and relationships with other family members. It's up to me (of course). I guess I struggle because I've seen (been told of, by my stepmom) my 12 year old half sister start to exhibit behaviors that would suggest sexual abuse. I feel paralyzed.

Thanks for your encouragement, though.

Holy crap - there's your answer!! You need to get this out in the open not for you, but for your poor sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck him. I bet your family will uninvite him, and invite you, to gatherings, and he will be the odd man out for sure. I'd tell your stepmother too.