Kids who fight All. The. Time.

[Anonymous]

My kids are very close in age to one another--9, 11, and 12. They bicker constantly. I don't get it. My family had a similar makeup, and when I was sick of my siblings, I went off to my room by myself. These kids are on top of one another all the time, teasing, arguing, and one-upping.

No idea what to do about it. We're wasting this beautiful spring day because they started arguing over the iPod minutes before we were supposed to leave the house. I'm so done with it, I sent them to their rooms until I cool down. Their fighting sends me into a screaming rage, which just makes the situation worse.

Please--any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

The situation you mentioned is easy: If they fight over the iPod minutes, they all lose access to the iPod for the rest of the day. It's good incentive to work it out for them, and the worst that will happen is they lose some screentime, which can be a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The situation you mentioned is easy: If they fight over the iPod minutes, they all lose access to the iPod for the rest of the day. It's good incentive to work it out for them, and the worst that will happen is they lose some screentime, which can be a good thing.

OP here. I agree. Problem is, then it will be something else. For example, I asked two of them to help with laundry this morning. They started fighting over who had to do what particular task. Taking away laundry duty won't help the situation.

Seriously, these kids will bicker over anything. They are not argumentative at ALL with friends--just with one another.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they need to learn to work as a team.
I would try giving them a task that requires all of them doing the same thing at the same time, like clean up the yard, chores in the house, etc.
I would tell them the task needs to be completed in (whatever the reasonable amount of time is) and if they can divide responsibilities and work as a team AND complete the task before the time is up, they can (pick something they really want to do, or some kind of incentive - invite a friend, take them somewhere they've been begging to go, etc.)
The goal is to get them realize/learn that it pays off to work as a team instead of being against one another.

One task at a time and if you and your husband participate, make it you two vs the three of them. Some things/chores, no matter how mundane, can actually be fun if you make games out of them.

[Anonymous]

You need to be more direct. Instead of saying "Bella and Jack, please help with the laundry," you need to say, "It's laundry time. Bella, go get the dark wash bag from the hamper and start it in the washing machine; Jack, move everything in the washer to the dryer and start the dryer."

If either one asks why they have to do something, punish them all. It'll let them bond over what a bitch you are, plus teach them to stop bitching themselves because then their siblings get angry at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more direct. Instead of saying "Bella and Jack, please help with the laundry," you need to say, "It's laundry time. Bella, go get the dark wash bag from the hamper and start it in the washing machine; Jack, move everything in the washer to the dryer and start the dryer."

If either one asks why they have to do something, punish them all. It'll let them bond over what a bitch you are, plus teach them to stop bitching themselves because then their siblings get angry at them.

PP here.
LOL I love the above!!

[Anonymous]

Love this blog: http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/sibling-harmony#more-14578

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more direct. Instead of saying "Bella and Jack, please help with the laundry," you need to say, "It's laundry time. Bella, go get the dark wash bag from the hamper and start it in the washing machine; Jack, move everything in the washer to the dryer and start the dryer."

If either one asks why they have to do something, punish them all. It'll let them bond over what a bitch you are, plus teach them to stop bitching themselves because then their siblings get angry at them.

LOL! A friend told me this was one of the reasons people should have more than one child... who else can the child bitch to about their crazy parents and the other person really understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be more direct. Instead of saying "Bella and Jack, please help with the laundry," you need to say, "It's laundry time. Bella, go get the dark wash bag from the hamper and start it in the washing machine; Jack, move everything in the washer to the dryer and start the dryer."

If either one asks why they have to do something, punish them all. It'll let them bond over what a bitch you are, plus teach them to stop bitching themselves because then their siblings get angry at them.

Yes. Really, it's okay for it to be them against you sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Slightly different perspective here:
You say that it drives YOU crazy. Does it bother them, or just you? Growing up, my brother and I engaged constantly in "recreational bickering"--we'd call each other names, tease, complain, etc., but between us it was just kidding around and no one's feelings were getting hurt. To this day, we end every phone call with, "Remember, nobody loves you!" But we are adult siblings who call one another regularly, are involved in one another's lives despite geographical distance, and support each other through anything with our actions, even if our words sound mean to an outside observer.

My point in sharing this is that I wonder whether things are as acrimonious from their perspective as they are from your perspective. If the real issue is simply that you don't like listening to them talk to one another that way, then I think you need to address that: the way that they are speaking to one another is a problem when mom or dad is around. At home you can adjust by giving them more space to interact independently, and when you are stuck with them like in the car, you can remind them that that kind of joking is simply not allowed with you around. but if they're joking is all in good fun and you are correcting them from the perspective that they are hurting one another's feelings, they are going to tune you out. You are making it obvious to them that you don't understand what is really going on.

Now, that said, if you believe that their feelings truly are getting hurt through the course of these arguments, then that is a different issue and you need to address the way that they're interacting on the level of how their impacting their siblings feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The situation you mentioned is easy: If they fight over the iPod minutes, they all lose access to the iPod for the rest of the day. It's good incentive to work it out for them, and the worst that will happen is they lose some screentime, which can be a good thing.

OP here. I agree. Problem is, then it will be something else. For example, I asked two of them to help with laundry this morning. They started fighting over who had to do what particular task. Taking away laundry duty won't help the situation.

Seriously, these kids will bicker over anything. They are not argumentative at ALL with friends--just with one another.

Taking the laundry away might, though.

OP, my children have argued over a paper clip. A PAPER CLIP. It drives me bananas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different perspective here:
You say that it drives YOU crazy. Does it bother them, or just you? Growing up, my brother and I engaged constantly in "recreational bickering"--we'd call each other names, tease, complain, etc., but between us it was just kidding around and no one's feelings were getting hurt. To this day, we end every phone call with, "Remember, nobody loves you!" But we are adult siblings who call one another regularly, are involved in one another's lives despite geographical distance, and support each other through anything with our actions, even if our words sound mean to an outside observer.

My point in sharing this is that I wonder whether things are as acrimonious from their perspective as they are from your perspective. If the real issue is simply that you don't like listening to them talk to one another that way, then I think you need to address that: the way that they are speaking to one another is a problem when mom or dad is around. At home you can adjust by giving them more space to interact independently, and when you are stuck with them like in the car, you can remind them that that kind of joking is simply not allowed with you around. but if they're joking is all in good fun and you are correcting them from the perspective that they are hurting one another's feelings, they are going to tune you out. You are making it obvious to them that you don't understand what is really going on.

Now, that said, if you believe that their feelings truly are getting hurt through the course of these arguments, then that is a different issue and you need to address the way that they're interacting on the level of how their impacting their siblings feelings.

Even if they aren't "really" acrimonious, it's annoying as hell to be around kids who argue about everything. It doesn't even sound like it's teasing or name-calling and she's worried that someone's feelings will be hurt. It sounds like it drives OP nuts that they argue all the time over everything, including chores she has asked them to do.

THe best advice I have for stuff like this is to put them all in the same boat. You do not resolve disputes. You explain that the constant bickering and arguing is not okay, and that when they argue, they are all going to face the same consequence--if they are arguing over the iPod or what TV show to watch, there is no iPod or TV. If they are arguing over chores that you have assigned and the chores are not getting done, then they all lose whatever privilege you've decided on, or no one gets to do the fun thing you have planned until the chore is done. Et cetera. Then it's on them to stop the bickering and figure out more peaceful means of dispute resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they need to learn to work as a team.
I would try giving them a task that requires all of them doing the same thing at the same time, like clean up the yard, chores in the house, etc.
I would tell them the task needs to be completed in (whatever the reasonable amount of time is) and if they can divide responsibilities and work as a team AND complete the task before the time is up, they can (pick something they really want to do, or some kind of incentive - invite a friend, take them somewhere they've been begging to go, etc.)
The goal is to get them realize/learn that it pays off to work as a team instead of being against one another.

One task at a time and if you and your husband participate, make it you two vs the three of them. Some things/chores, no matter how mundane, can actually be fun if you make games out of them.

I'm wondering how old your kids are and/or how much actual parenting experience you have. You clearly haven't experienced one sibling claiming she's doing all the work while the other(s) are slacking off. Why should they all get rewarded when only one kid is doing the work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they need to learn to work as a team.
I would try giving them a task that requires all of them doing the same thing at the same time, like clean up the yard, chores in the house, etc.
I would tell them the task needs to be completed in (whatever the reasonable amount of time is) and if they can divide responsibilities and work as a team AND complete the task before the time is up, they can (pick something they really want to do, or some kind of incentive - invite a friend, take them somewhere they've been begging to go, etc.)
The goal is to get them realize/learn that it pays off to work as a team instead of being against one another.

One task at a time and if you and your husband participate, make it you two vs the three of them. Some things/chores, no matter how mundane, can actually be fun if you make games out of them.

I'm wondering how old your kids are and/or how much actual parenting experience you have. You clearly haven't experienced one sibling claiming she's doing all the work while the other(s) are slacking off. Why should they all get rewarded when only one kid is doing the work?

You didn't understand what I was trying to say.

[Anonymous]

Well, there's always the classic siblings without rivalry. Which I need to pick up again myself.