DH cannot admit he is wrong

[Anonymous]

I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

[Anonymous]

Start by not making this so black and white. Get therapy.

If he is at all committed to making the marriage work therapy can help you.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy. Make it a condition for returning. (The toddler can go home anytime. That relationship is not in jeopardy.)

[Anonymous]

Counseling. Is he a perfectionist? From a blame oriented family? Both pertain to me and it's been hard to admit fault and acknowledge when I'm wrong because I get very defensive. But have learned the power of a simple @im
Sorry, you are right. I was wrong to ...."

Took so e couples therapy for us to recognize our patterns (and we both contributed--DH had a way if expressing dissatisfaction that felt like blame. He now tries to use "i" statements and I try to accept his feelings and my part in it all.

Dont despair, we worked thru it.you can too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

I've been doing exactly this for 14 years. The secret is to emotionally detach. You'll be lonely and miserable, but the pain is less acute.

In all seriousness, I wish I had advice for you. My DH agreed to counseling, but I am thinking it will be a waste of money because DH cannot admit wrongdoing and anyone who suggests he is less than 100% right about everything is clearly a moron. I assume this includes counselors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

No. You deserve a better life than that. I wouldn't wish that type of existence on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

You are pulling that out of thin air.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

If you stormed out of the house and took the kid because your husband has personal responsibility issues - which likely didn't just manifest - YOU ARE AN ASS.

You would lose your shit if he did that to you. Sounds like both of you have personal responsibility issues....

[Anonymous]

I think it's a male ego thing. When I meet a guy who can admit he was wrong, I'll alert the media LOL

[Anonymous]

Classic narcissism. Won't change and gets worse with age.

Divorce his ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it now. He can admit no fault, and nothing I say will change that. But, I need it. I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid. Staying with my parents for awhile. I am not sure I can go back home and deal with this issue. We have a toddler, who is with me.

Can I successfully live in a situation where my partner never admits fault and I am the ass for bringing up when DH does anything that upsets me? How do I live in a situation where he is allowed to do anything he wants and I am not allowed to be upset about anything?

If you stormed out of the house and took the kid because your husband has personal responsibility issues - which likely didn't just manifest - YOU ARE AN ASS.

You would lose your shit if he did that to you. Sounds like both of you have personal responsibility issues....

I did not storm out of the house. I packed the car and left in the morning. He kissed us goodbye as we left. I wanted to storm out of the house, but I didn't. I did need to get away from a situation that was not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

It is not as simple as that. Example, I explain I want him to move DC off the counter, because he is using the toaster and I am worries she will get burned. He says he is watching. She gets burned. Never ever will he say, oops or maybe I should have chosen differently. He will never admit his choices led to her getting hurt.

Repeat this over and over. And I am not allowed to get upset after incidents like the toaster. There is no acknowledgement of responsibility, which is how normal people live.

See, and because there is no acknowledgement of his responsibility, he feels like it is my feelings he is tip toing around.

I did tell him marriage counseling is a condition of my return. I hope some pp's are right and that it could work for us. I know the problems are not all him, but we can't even talk about our problems when one person cannot accept their role in them.

[Anonymous]

I think that you need to recognize that "fault" and validating your feelings can and should be independent things.
You can both validate each other, without assigning fault, which really does no good to further any arguement or disagreement.

Pointing fingers, laying blame, guilt/innocence have few places in a healthy relationship. Each person has their own perspective, and in that, should never be assigned as "wrong" and "right". His need for validation, even if you disagree, is no less than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I need him to acknowledge my feelings are valid.

OP, this is a problem. I think this is a problem you have with you.

Is there adultery? addiction? abuse?. The 3 A's, those are good reasons for divorce.

Otherwise, you may be trying to use emotional blackmail to your advantage.

"Your feelings" that everyone has to tip toe around.

It is not as simple as that. Example, I explain I want him to move DC off the counter, because he is using the toaster and I am worries she will get burned. He says he is watching. She gets burned. Never ever will he say, oops or maybe I should have chosen differently. He will never admit his choices led to her getting hurt.

Repeat this over and over. And I am not allowed to get upset after incidents like the toaster. There is no acknowledgement of responsibility, which is how normal people live.

See, and because there is no acknowledgement of his responsibility, he feels like it is my feelings he is tip toing around.

I did tell him marriage counseling is a condition of my return. I hope some pp's are right and that it could work for us. I know the problems are not all him, but we can't even talk about our problems when one person cannot accept their role in them.

What are your plans for shared custody if he doesn't agree to counseling? Are you comfortable leaving your child alone with him?