mentally ill family member on email spree

[Anonymous]

I have a mentally ill family member I cut off contact with two years ago. The person would have these episodes and go on email sprees where she would email me (and others) a laundry list of things we said or did in our lives. Some things were going back twenty years.

So, I would receive an email saying how shitty I am, how I was a slut before marriage and slept with XX number of men (which the person completely made up), how I failed first year calculus, how I would have never amounted to anything without the person in my life. She would say: remember how you think your twin sister cannot be trusted. Remember you had a breast reduction etc. She would also write things like: I know you think Cousin Betty is a slut and Aunt Hilda is a bitch.... Most often I would just delete, delete. It often made no sense and was not true.

This went on for years, on and off. Sometimes we spoke depending on if the person was sober or on her medication. But for two years there has been zero contact.

MY QUESTION: I later found out, once the person got in a fight with most other family members too, that she would copy other people in these emails. So the email about my (fake) feelings about Aunt Hilda would be sent to Aunt Hilda and others. Same with Cousin Betty.
Even emails that did not pertain to them were sent to them. Every time we got in a fight, she would cc them email copies of our email exchanges. 90% was lies. Some truth, though exaggerated.
So, they would willingly read these and never asked her to stop sending them. I think they liked getting the dirt. Nobody talks to her anymore and I found out when they got in a fight with her. Then they told me, "oh she sent email copies of everything but I didn't believe most of it".
I LIKE these other people. However, it bothers me that for YEARS, they read those emails that were very personal. If it was me I would have said "stop sending me those, I don't want to read them".

OH and while the person was in Rehab, I lied to people about her whereabouts because she begged me to. YET, she told them all along, so I look like a liar.
How would you feel?

[Anonymous]

I mean how would you feel about the other family members?

[Anonymous]

Too much drama. Anyone who got these emails and read them and is harboring a grudge to you about them -- deserves to be written out of your life.

Have a rich, rewarding and fulfilling life with your SANE and emotionally healthy family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too much drama. Anyone who got these emails and read them and is harboring a grudge to you about them -- deserves to be written out of your life.

Have a rich, rewarding and fulfilling life with your SANE and emotionally healthy family members.

they are not harboring grudges. It's me who is hurt that they took part in this until they stopped speaking with the person.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't know if I'd be reading the emails or not. It's kind of like reading the Enquirer because it just looks so JUICY sitting there at the checkout counter, but next thing you know, you've read about how so and so is cheating on so and so, and then you can never unread that.

Uh, crappy analogy. Sorry.

Anyway, I think now is the time for forgiveness. If you think the "other people" can be trusted to treat these wacky communications as the rantings of an unfortunately not-mentally-well person, rather than as a reflection on you, then by all means, keep them close. Or as close as you want.

If they cannot be trusted, then I suppose it's time to distance yourself from them, too. No dramatic exit necessary. Just a sort of quiet disassociation, with pleasantries, chit chat when unavoidable, and increasingly contact.

And I'm sorry, OP. A neighbor of mine and another good friend have this kind of thing in their family. For one, it's endemic. For the other, it's really one contained person. The "endemic" situation required the friend to basically "divorce" her family in order to keep her own sanity and peace. The "contained" situation required the friend to just place strict boundaries around interactions with the mentally ill family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't know if I'd be reading the emails or not. It's kind of like reading the Enquirer because it just looks so JUICY sitting there at the checkout counter, but next thing you know, you've read about how so and so is cheating on so and so, and then you can never unread that.

Uh, crappy analogy. Sorry.

Anyway, I think now is the time for forgiveness. If you think the "other people" can be trusted to treat these wacky communications as the rantings of an unfortunately not-mentally-well person, rather than as a reflection on you, then by all means, keep them close. Or as close as you want.

If they cannot be trusted, then I suppose it's time to distance yourself from them, too. No dramatic exit necessary. Just a sort of quiet disassociation, with pleasantries, chit chat when unavoidable, and increasingly contact.

And I'm sorry, OP. A neighbor of mine and another good friend have this kind of thing in their family. For one, it's endemic. For the other, it's really one contained person. The "endemic" situation required the friend to basically "divorce" her family in order to keep her own sanity and peace. The "contained" situation required the friend to just place strict boundaries around interactions with the mentally ill family member.

I still like and trust these people. I guess I'm just disappointed. I will get over it.

[Anonymous]

You're basically describing my brother. Which is part of why I don't have contact with him anymore, and is not a part of my life, nor will ever be.

With regards to others - I don't think you need to do anything. The people who believe your brother when he runs to gossip or shitstir, are not people you want in your life.

Don't return a response. Don't build a case. Don't try and "win" others. Let your silence be your quiet confidence, and over time, that silence will speak for itself, and speak volumes about the kind of person you are. The right people will see that.

[Anonymous]

This post will probably get moved to Family Relationships.

OP, it sounds like you are hurting b/c this family member hurt you. I'm sure this person also hurt the feelings of the family members b/c who would really want to read this stuff even if you know that it was 99.9% bull.

Even if you've cut this person out of your life and marked their email as SPAM, they obviously have had an effect on you. Have you talk to a therapist about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post will probably get moved to Family Relationships.

OP, it sounds like you are hurting b/c this family member hurt you. I'm sure this person also hurt the feelings of the family members b/c who would really want to read this stuff even if you know that it was 99.9% bull.

Even if you've cut this person out of your life and marked their email as SPAM, they obviously have had an effect on you. Have you talk to a therapist about this?

I'm have moved on from this person.
I'm more betrayed by the other people.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you feel betrayed. They were probably just reading the crazy emails because they were interested, not because they believed anything in them. I don't understand why you feel that they were obligated to ask the mentally ill relative to stop sending them.

[Anonymous]

OP,

So you feel hurt b/c they didn't defend/stand up for you as far as you know. They probably did email this person directly to stop or just completely ignored them. You can't reason with someone like that. If no one said anything, then they were probably afraid that they would be the focus of the next tirade.

I hope you can feel better and move on, OP. Don't give this family member any more power over you by holding on to the hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you feel betrayed. They were probably just reading the crazy emails because they were interested, not because they believed anything in them. I don't understand why you feel that they were obligated to ask the mentally ill relative to stop sending them.

+1

Yeah, why would they want to engage further with this crazy person? I think you're hurt and upset and obviously not fully over having to cut this person off and are taking it out on other family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mentally ill family member I cut off contact with two years ago. The person would have these episodes and go on email sprees where she would email me (and others) a laundry list of things we said or did in our lives. Some things were going back twenty years.

So, I would receive an email saying how shitty I am, how I was a slut before marriage and slept with XX number of men (which the person completely made up), how I failed first year calculus, how I would have never amounted to anything without the person in my life. She would say: remember how you think your twin sister cannot be trusted. Remember you had a breast reduction etc. She would also write things like: I know you think Cousin Betty is a slut and Aunt Hilda is a bitch.... Most often I would just delete, delete. It often made no sense and was not true.

This went on for years, on and off. Sometimes we spoke depending on if the person was sober or on her medication. But for two years there has been zero contact.

MY QUESTION: I later found out, once the person got in a fight with most other family members too, that she would copy other people in these emails. So the email about my (fake) feelings about Aunt Hilda would be sent to Aunt Hilda and others. Same with Cousin Betty.
Even emails that did not pertain to them were sent to them. Every time we got in a fight, she would cc them email copies of our email exchanges. 90% was lies. Some truth, though exaggerated.
So, they would willingly read these and never asked her to stop sending them. I think they liked getting the dirt. Nobody talks to her anymore and I found out when they got in a fight with her. Then they told me, "oh she sent email copies of everything but I didn't believe most of it".
I LIKE these other people. However, it bothers me that for YEARS, they read those emails that were very personal. If it was me I would have said "stop sending me those, I don't want to read them".

OH and while the person was in Rehab, I lied to people about her whereabouts because she begged me to. YET, she told them all along, so I look like a liar.
How would you feel?

I would believe this if I were you.

They also know the person who sent the emails is mentally ill so the chance they put a lot of stock into the emails and really believed them is pretty low.

[Anonymous]

I just can't get over the fact that you failed first year calculus. I mean, shit. For that you deserve every bad thing that's ever happened in your life.

Just kidding. I'm sure everyone knows this family member is nuts. Don't worry about what she says about you to other people. You are above the drama.

[Anonymous]

Truly, i am over this person. I am so much happier now. My life is much better not having to deal with her drama. I feel at peace for the first time.

Hard to verbalized why I am upset with the others, seems they liked being privy to info until she turned on them. Now they want me to listen to their sob story.

Anyway, time to move on.