How to handle divorced parents and hosting big events

[Anonymous]

BIL is graduating from med school. FIL and MIL are divorced. Have been divorced for the entire duration that I have known my husband so 10+ years. BIL attends med school near our home. MIL visits often but FIL lives overseas with his wife who happens to be my age. MIL thinks FIL cheated on her with his current wife so there was a lot of drama. MIL is still angry about this after 10+ years.

My children have only met their grandfather once and they were too young to remember. I would like to host FIL and his wife at our house. MIL comes to visit frequently. I thought MIL could stay in a hotel. Also trying to host a graduation party but not sure what to do with FIL's wife.

MIL will not be in the same room with FIL's wife. MIL does not mind if FIL is around.

Should we respect MIL's wishes and not have FIL's wife at our house? WWYD?

DH is just avoiding the subject.

[Anonymous]

It is an ugly, ugly topic. I'd invite them all and let them sort it out. I wouldn't take that burden upon myself. I have a similar situation with my parents and I just invite everyone and they can either decline, work it out amongst themselves to negotiate times, or come and pretend the others don't exist.

Not your drama to take on. I know it's very hard not to worry about it, but trust me, as an inlaw, saying anything or trying to "talk to them" in advance and tell them to behave, or not inviting someone - it is just going to make you look like the bad guy. Invite all and truly let it go.

[Anonymous]

It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

OP here. The first tackle is where is everyone staying. MIL always stays with us when she visits DH or BIL. She probably just expects to stay at our house again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL is graduating from med school. FIL and MIL are divorced. Have been divorced for the entire duration that I have known my husband so 10+ years. BIL attends med school near our home. MIL visits often but FIL lives overseas with his wife who happens to be my age. MIL thinks FIL cheated on her with his current wife so there was a lot of drama. MIL is still angry about this after 10+ years.

My children have only met their grandfather once and they were too young to remember. I would like to host FIL and his wife at our house. MIL comes to visit frequently. I thought MIL could stay in a hotel. Also trying to host a graduation party but not sure what to do with FIL's wife.

MIL will not be in the same room with FIL's wife. MIL does not mind if FIL is around.

Should we respect MIL's wishes and not have FIL's wife at our house? WWYD?

DH is just avoiding the subject.

Da Fuq?
DH does not have the option to ignore.
Bottom line, you invite who you want, it is a family event and everyone is family. If any of the parties declines to come, that is their option. Just make it clear that you are not engaging in back and forth, or in any drama. If folks cannot act like grownups, they can do it somewhere other than your home or at an event that you host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

OP here. The first tackle is where is everyone staying. MIL always stays with us when she visits DH or BIL. She probably just expects to stay at our house again.

I don't understand why MIL wouldn't stay with you as she normally does and FIL can stay at a hotel. That seems like step one.

[Anonymous]

It's BIL celebration, he should be handling it with support from your DH. I managed my graduation with my mom and her estranged sister (my godmother), and it all went fine and everyone was civil. But really, this should not all be on you to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

OP here. The first tackle is where is everyone staying. MIL always stays with us when she visits DH or BIL. She probably just expects to stay at our house again.

I don't understand why MIL wouldn't stay with you as she normally does and FIL can stay at a hotel. That seems like step one.

Because I want FIL to stay with us so he can spend time with his grandchildren. If MIL stays with us, FIL will stay clear away.

I think DH wants FIL to stay with us too but he does not want to upset his mom. DH and BIL have the tendency to just block them out. However, I am the one who is trying to host. I will be the one organizing graduation dinner and planning the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

OP here. The first tackle is where is everyone staying. MIL always stays with us when she visits DH or BIL. She probably just expects to stay at our house again.

If that is what is usually done, then do it. Make it clear, that you will be hosting a family event and that everyone will be invited. She can stay or she can go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

OP here. The first tackle is where is everyone staying. MIL always stays with us when she visits DH or BIL. She probably just expects to stay at our house again.

I don't understand why MIL wouldn't stay with you as she normally does and FIL can stay at a hotel. That seems like step one.

Because I want FIL to stay with us so he can spend time with his grandchildren. If MIL stays with us, FIL will stay clear away.

I think DH wants FIL to stay with us too but he does not want to upset his mom. DH and BIL have the tendency to just block them out. However, I am the one who is trying to host. I will be the one organizing graduation dinner and planning the party.

Your DH and his brother need to take more of a lead in this. Honestly, if your MIL usually stays with you, then let her do that. To change up now to someone she hates would seem like a slap in the face, even tho that is not your intention. Your kids can go see gramps at the hotel, seriously, it's not rocket science on that one.

[Anonymous]

Then maybe no one stays with you.

[Anonymous]

Have FIL stay in a hotel. Have him and his wife over for a meal on x day and time. Give your MIl the opportunity to go shopping or something.

[Anonymous]

It's tough. My husband's parents are divorced and it was an ugly, nasty divorce. His father refused to come to our wedding because DH refused to let him bring his new wife. His father also has never met our child. When DH graduated grad school, both parents came but I had the job of making sure they never saw each other at the ceremony or otherwise, and his mother didn't know his father was even there! DH planned a bunch of dinners for both parents separately. They live far away so we only have to deal with them being divorced and not being able to be in the same room very sporadically.

[Anonymous]

Talk with DH and BIL.

Tell them straight up that these aren't your parents, these decisions are above your pay grade, and that the two of them need to decide what they want to do.

Then go with what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH and his brother need to take more of a lead in this. Honestly, if your MIL usually stays with you, then let her do that. To change up now to someone she hates would seem like a slap in the face, even tho that is not your intention. Your kids can go see gramps at the hotel, seriously, it's not rocket science on that one.

Yes. It's one thing (a good thing) to invite FIL and wife to the celebration. But if MIL always stays with you and this time you evict her in favor of FIL, it's going to make a tricky situation 1000% worse.

And I agree that your husband should be handling the discussions, even if you are the "host" (doesn't the home belong to both of you?). It's his family.