sibling takes out marital stresses on me. how to handle?

[Anonymous]

My sister and her husband have had issues throughout their 9 year marriage. They separated a couple of years ago, and reconciled to be a unit for their kids. But the marriage still isn't great.

Sometimes my sister sends me insulting comments about my life choices, has told me that I'm selfish (for choosing to not have kids, moving according to my job/education needs, etc), telling me that I remind her of her husband, and other negative accusations and assumptions.

I have been hands on in trying to help her, providing childcare sometimes (which includes me traveling), helping her move and find a place during the separation, being encouraging and supportive throughout their issues, lending an ear any time she needs it.

I love my sister, I understand that marital problems are really rough and emotionally taxing. But it is not fair for her to take them out on me. There are times I've responded and told her so, but now I just ignore it. I need space and silence when she gets in one of these ranting, accusing modes. Is there any right way to respond? I know I'm not the selfish person she accuses me of, but it still hurts. If it matters, she is older and I am younger. How do I change the dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Control communication. Caller ID. Call back at your convenience, tell her you have to go, if the conversation takes a bad turn. Be together/talk together as long as it's pleasant.

[Anonymous]

My brother is like this. He takes out all of his wife's insanity on us. Even blames us when she acts like a psychopath.

All I can say is to give yourself space and peace when you need it. Be supportive without compromising yourself or your life.

[Anonymous]

I see why she has marital problems.
Tell her to take it up with a therapist and not out on you.
Marital problems are not causing her to treat you line like this, character problems are.
Bet if she got some counseling her so called marital problems would get better .
Or just cuss her ass out.

[Anonymous]

Not fair? Your sister is a bitch and she needs therapy badly. I can't imagine anyone in my family pulling that with me or anyone else.

You both are adults so tell her that you won't tolerate rude and abusive behavior from her. Hang up the phone, walk away from her, or ignore emails that cross the line. You've allowed this. No relationship is worth abuse.

[Anonymous]

OMG. OP, I'd swear we were related if I had a third sister.

I'm going through something almost identical and it is brutal to manage. I constantly feel like I'm shirking her if I'm protecting myself from getting drawn into the insanity, but if I try to give her what she needs I pay a significant emotional price. And it's been the same cycle of drama and anguish and self-centeredness for her whole life, let alone just the marriage.

I have no answers, just empathy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know her behavior towards me isn't ok. I'm just tired of the cycle - project negativity and take it out on me, then apologize. Do it again.

Yes, she needs therapy, but does not have time. Her husband is kind of an asshole, and though I know my sister is no saint, I empathize with her on the marital stuff. I just get frustrated when she takes her marriage grief out on me. Yes, she will apologize, but I know the cycle will eventually repeat.

[Anonymous]

Not marital problems
Mental problems

[Anonymous]

Is she narcissistic? They tend to manipulate people to do things for them. They tend to blame others for their problems and their faults. They tend to value themselves more and put everyone else down. They feel they deserve to be catered to. Their opinion is the only one that matters. Please do not enable her. Do not help her. Do not accept criticism from her. To engage in a back and forth with her if she tends to twist it to her advantage. At the very least you should not intrude into her life so she can focus on her marriage. Let her focus on her kids with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know her behavior towards me isn't ok. I'm just tired of the cycle - project negativity and take it out on me, then apologize. Do it again.

Yes, she needs therapy, but does not have time. Her husband is kind of an asshole, and though I know my sister is no saint, I empathize with her on the marital stuff. I just get frustrated when she takes her marriage grief out on me. Yes, she will apologize, but I know the cycle will eventually repeat.

"I love you, and I understand that marital problems are really rough and emotionally taxing. But it is not fair for you to take them out on me. I'll talk to you when you're able to treat me respectfully. Bye."

[Anonymous]

I would screen her calls and limit contact. If she apologizes just say okay, but I still would keep contact limited. She has to learn she can't walk on people.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies. Neurotic siblings are the worst!

Refer her to counseling ASAP and tell her to treat you with respect. Then screen calls and limit her time to 5-10 minutes because you have to respect your limits.

If she's really nasty or inappropriate, limit her time to a minute or two every few days. Save your energy for yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"I love you, and I understand that marital problems are really rough and emotionally taxing. But it is not fair for you to take them out on me. I'll talk to you when you're able to treat me respectfully. Bye."

NP. This is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"I love you, and I understand that marital problems are really rough and emotionally taxing. But it is not fair for you to take them out on me. I'll talk to you when you're able to treat me respectfully. Bye."

NP. This is great.

Do it every single time. Don't give her the opportunity to crap on you. Walk away, hang up whatever. Then take a break from her. Her apology is not important.