Stop my mother from turning DD into the family princess

[Anonymous]

This is going to seem petty but the family dynamics would take up 20 posts.
Long story short my mother heavily favored my sister growing up everything revolved around her. Example our family tradition of Christmas eve Dinner cocoa and caroling got canceled because this sister had a boyfriend and wouldn't be available it didn't matter that the 3 other siblings still wanted to participate.
As you might suspect through no fault of her own my sister is entirely self absorbed.
Fast forward to present day my mother has strangely decided that my daughter is her favorite and thus every family event is somehow about her.
Today was my dad and another grandkid's birthday party being celebrated together neither of these people like ice cream so on their birthday we skip the ice cream this is fine for everyone else.
My mom goes and gets ice cream because my daughter likes it and she should have some. The fact that it's not her birthday did not seem to matter. It's lots of little stuff like this.
I don't want my daughter made into the family princess and ruin her relationship with her cousins.

[Anonymous]

You take the ice cream and say "Sorry Ella, we're not having ice cream today. Today is about Grandpa Jim and Larlo because it's their birthday party."

Set boundaries, enforce them.

[Anonymous]

You're the mother and get to decide what your child receiveds, whether it's ice cream, clothing, gifts or money. Sounds like you might have to play hardball with your mom. Give her a chance to stop by politely and respectfully telling her to either stop with the spoiling and that everything needs to go through you. If she ignores your request, then let her know that the time she has with your child will be limited. If she can't abide by your rules and requests, then she doesn't get time with your child.

[Anonymous]

No advice but you have my sympathy.
My mom also favored my sister extremely only she is now also favoring my sisters kids.

[Anonymous]

Listen, this is about NOW. This is not about then.

You have 100% control now.

Whatever you says goes, YOU are the Mom....

Take the affect/hurt/emotion out of it, and parent this. Make sure your DD knows you are in charge.

Good luck....and sorry this is difficult. But this is about NOW....

[Anonymous]

You are so right.

I let the ice cream thing go today because I didn't want to make an issue and ruin the birthday party

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL except with my niece, the only other grandchild besides my DD. I am glad that there are moms who recognize this and do what they can - my SIL can't conceive that it should be any other way.

As much as you can, say "no thanks" to your mother when disparities are offered (if your siblings overhear this, so much the better). When your daughter can understand things like that you can talk to her in private about it, and steer her toward her cousins at the family get-togethers and keep fostering those precious relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You take the ice cream and say "Sorry Ella, we're not having ice cream today. Today is about Grandpa Jim and Larlo because it's their birthday party."

Set boundaries, enforce them.

I would have told your mother, in no uncertain terms, not to bother getting ice cream because your DD will not be having any. To put your foot down after your mother has bought the ice cream & is in the process of giving it to your DD is not really fair to your DD, IMO. To a young child unable to understand complicated family dynamics & the real reason you are taking the ice cream away, it would seem as though she is "losing" the ice cream already in front of her because of something she did wrong &/or because you are being "mean".

To try to avoid future instances like this, I'd be as proactive as possible in discussing your expectations for what your DD can & cannot have & do, how she is & is not allowed to behave, etc. with your mother before a family event. I'd also let her know that if she undermines your wishes, you, your DH & your child(ren) will no longer be able to attend family gatherings if she is there & will instead see the rest of the family on your own, without her present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You take the ice cream and say "Sorry Ella, we're not having ice cream today. Today is about Grandpa Jim and Larlo because it's their birthday party."

Set boundaries, enforce them.

I would have told your mother, in no uncertain terms, not to bother getting ice cream because your DD will not be having any. To put your foot down after your mother has bought the ice cream & is in the process of giving it to your DD is not really fair to your DD, IMO. To a young child unable to understand complicated family dynamics & the real reason you are taking the ice cream away, it would seem as though she is "losing" the ice cream already in front of her because of something she did wrong &/or because you are being "mean".

To try to avoid future instances like this, I'd be as proactive as possible in discussing your expectations for what your DD can & cannot have & do, how she is & is not allowed to behave, etc. with your mother before a family event. I'd also let her know that if she undermines your wishes, you, your DH & your child(ren) will no longer be able to attend family gatherings if she is there & will instead see the rest of the family on your own, without her present.

^PP here. I meant your DD may think you're being "mean" [i]for no reason[b] /be confused as to why mommy took her ice cream /what she did wrong to make mommy take her ice cream away. Obviously, sometimes parents have to risk their kids labeling them "mean" sometimes in order to set limits when they misbehave or for their safety. Sometimes parents being "mean" is for the kids own good! IMO, this wasn't one of those times, though, as your DD would likely have just ended up confused & , depending on how your mother reacted, may have ended up feeling like a pawn in an adult conflict she is too young to understand.

[Anonymous]

I think we need more examples other than the ice cream.

And I say this as the unfavored child in the family. I believe you that the pattern exists, but if you are mad about the ice cream example, you are probably over focusing on this.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you are angry at the dynamic between your mom and sister, and almost want to punish your daughter as a way of getting this anger out by depriving her of treats from your mom.

[Anonymous]

You are your child's greatest influence. Let grandma spoil her but explain in plain english to your child that you do not approve of favoritism and then tell her how much it hurt to be on the non receiving end. You need to express to her that special treatment does not equate to superiority. If you give her an ongoing lesson in humility and sympathy for others she will not develop into a Narcissist. No matter how special your mother tries to make your daughter feel she will never outrank you if you communicate your values freely to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

No advice but they don't like ice cream? That's as sad as not liking chocolate

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever called your mother out for her favoritism? Now that it involves YOUR child, you must and you must demand that it stop.

[Anonymous]

Just because your daughter and DH celebrating their birthdays don't like ice cream, doesn't mean that ice cream shouldn't be on the menu for a birthday party. It is usually I e cream and cake, cake and ice cream.