DS just had surgery...

[Anonymous]

The surgery had been planned for awhile and DS (3) won't be able to be active for a few weeks. MIL knew that I had been buying new toys, books etc. to keep him occupied during his recovery. My parents are local and gave him a bunch of stuff (well, they gave it to me to ration out over the next few weeks). MIL is not local, but we skype regularly and visit a few times per year. I was kind of surprised that did not send anything to DS for his surgery.

My mom especially shows her love by giving gifts so I never know what "normal" is with regard to that. For me, it's not about the gift itself but the thought behind it. It kind of peeves me that MIL didn't so much as send a book. It wouldn't bother me as much if she hadn't just been talking for weeks about the time she put into buying birthday gifts for her other 2 grandchildren this month.

In the scheme of things, is this a big deal? No, of course not. But would anyone else feel kind of hurt/annoyed?

[Anonymous]

I honestly wouldn't give it a second thought. You'd already been gathering items.

See the big picture and be glad your kid is okay.

[Anonymous]

If she knew you were buying stuff, she might not want to step on your toes. I wouldn't necessarily send anything in this situation if it was a niece or nephew. We are not a family that gives a lot of gifts and my inlaws are. It drives me kind of nuts how they equate gifts with expressing love. We all have too much stuff and I don't like to show my love by buying things. If she is Skyping regularly and trying to stay in touch with your family, that is more important and more valuable.

[Anonymous]

I would be so thankful that my ILs weren't sending me boxes of stuff. Our 3 yo has SO many toys. Unless you specifically mentioned that you wanted him to have lots of extra presents, they probably didn't think of it as a gift giving occassion and figured he would be playing with the toys he already has. If they didn't even ask about how the surgery went or how he is doing, then that is a different issue.

[Anonymous]

I am a very involved aunt. I send cards and little packages for every holiday and I talk to all of the kids for every event. I am not sure I oils have sent anything under these circumstances. I think you are over reacting.

[Anonymous]

It wouldn't bother me at all. I'm not a "gift-y" type person though. I'm not good about giving gifts, and I'm not really into getting them, either. I'd say "let it go!"

[Anonymous]

Read the book 'The Five Languages of Love'. Everyone expresses love differently. I wouldn't think about the lack of gift giving at all.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she knew you were buying stuff, she might not want to step on your toes. I wouldn't necessarily send anything in this situation if it was a niece or nephew. We are not a family that gives a lot of gifts and my inlaws are. It drives me kind of nuts how they equate gifts with expressing love. We all have too much stuff and I don't like to show my love by buying things. If she is Skyping regularly and trying to stay in touch with your family, that is more important and more valuable.

Exactly my situation. All the stuff makes me uncomfortable.

Op surely your child's recovery is not dependent on toys? Focus on your child, surgery is not a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

My parents are not gift givers. Not a big deal. Got over it after a few years. My mom will even give other people's kids gifts but not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she knew you were buying stuff, she might not want to step on your toes. I wouldn't necessarily send anything in this situation if it was a niece or nephew. We are not a family that gives a lot of gifts and my inlaws are. It drives me kind of nuts how they equate gifts with expressing love. We all have too much stuff and I don't like to show my love by buying things. If she is Skyping regularly and trying to stay in touch with your family, that is more important and more valuable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he already has plenty of "stuff". I'll bet you turn your DR into a playroom eventually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she knew you were buying stuff, she might not want to step on your toes. I wouldn't necessarily send anything in this situation if it was a niece or nephew. We are not a family that gives a lot of gifts and my inlaws are. It drives me kind of nuts how they equate gifts with expressing love. We all have too much stuff and I don't like to show my love by buying things. If she is Skyping regularly and trying to stay in touch with your family, that is more important and more valuable.

Exactly my situation. All the stuff makes me uncomfortable.

Op surely your child's recovery is not dependent on toys? Focus on your child, surgery is not a gift grab.

Hmm, I hope I didn't give the impression that his recovery is dependent on toys or that I view his surgery as a gift grab. That is far from the truth.

My family of origin showed love by giving gifts, and so sometimes my judgement about these types of things is skewed a bit. We were surprised by friends, extended family and co-workers who sent small things to DS or a meal to us to show they were thinking of us. Unexpected but kind gestures. I tend to do the same when I know that someone is in a similar situation. It's just how I was brought up. I don't tend to think of it as being "gift-grabby", just thoughtful.

But seeing the responses here shows that this isn't necessarily the norm, so I'll stop thinking of it as such. No harm, no foul.

[Anonymous]

I would be a little bothered by it too. Not enough to be upset or mad or hold a grudge but a little bothered. No card? A phone call?

[Anonymous]

No I would not feel hurt or annoyed. There is no tradition of gift-giving for surgeries. You certainly cannot compare birthdays (traditionally a gift-giving event) with surgery (not traditionally a gift-giving event). So it's not fair at all to be peeved at your MIL for buying gifts for her other grandkids on their birthdays. Be thankful that she Skypes regularly! As he grows up, your child will remember those Skype interactions, but he won't remember a single thing about who bought him what for his surgery.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is going to give the gift of skyping. Probably better than any of the things you've collected.