To wives who feel like their marriage is headed downhill, I have some potential hope

[Anonymous]

We have been struggling greatly for the last 18 months and majorly the last 3-4 months. We have two young children (4yo DD and 13mo DS). Life with little ones and two full time jobs is very difficult and demanding. Combine sleep deprivation and in my opinion the reality that most men just don't naturally jump in and help in a proactive way as we wives seems to think they should and you find resentment creeping in and in my case bad habits of just plain treating each other badly. After a two week vacation that was filled with yelling at one another and stress during what should have been an amazing time, my DH came to me and said he really felt like we may need to seriously take some time apart. He was serious and it shook me to the core. As much as we have fought and I always find a way to convince myself it is his fault, this literally stopped me in my tracks and suddenly I was able to somehow see the harm I have been contributing in a new light. Don't get me wrong, I am not taking full blame for all issues we need to work on but for the first time I am really ready to stop the blame game and remember why I married this man and to stop the attacks and terrible environment of fighting in front of our children. We have decided to find a counselor and do what we can to find ways to relieve stress. Suddenly and I mean suddenly (I guess because I felt that my life was truly at stake for the first time) I have been able to just stop with all the nagging and yelling. Amazingly within just a few days I feel sooooo much differently. It's like I have all this self control that I forgot I had. I feel like myself again for the first time in years.

I'm sure I'll get flamed somehow for this but I just wanted to tell someone like me that you can change things and there is hope. I guess the bottom line was truly considering what I would be giving up and also facing that fact that I had gotten into a bad habit of being nasty to my husband just because.

Anyone been down a road like this? Also what are tips to keep things on track?

[Anonymous]

Props to you, OP. Wish my wife would have a similar realization. You can never tell what's going to set her off next.

[Anonymous]

This story isn't over yet though.

While I commend your new attitude, I do also want to say that we do not know the outcome yet.

Hopefully time and counseling will resolve your marital issues. That would be fantastic OP!

[Anonymous]

How often do you have sex, OP?

[Anonymous]

Men die ten years earlier than women. Life expectancy equality is the most pressing civil rights issue of our time .

[Anonymous]

Sort of in your same boat, OP. I realize that yelling etc. is my own reaction to DH's behavior, and they are two separate things. Even if his behavior is "wrong," it is also wrong for me to react aggressively.

At the same time, there's only so much I can tolerate with my own DH's lazy & selfish behavior before it literally drains the life out of me. It's one thing to dial down the fighting; quite another to actually feel affectionate and happy. He refuses to go to counseling, so not sure how exactly we're going to really make change. So you've at least got going for your that your DH realizes the problem and is taking steps to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sort of in your same boat, OP. I realize that yelling etc. is my own reaction to DH's behavior, and they are two separate things. Even if his behavior is "wrong," it is also wrong for me to react aggressively.

At the same time, there's only so much I can tolerate with my own DH's lazy & selfish behavior before it literally drains the life out of me. It's one thing to dial down the fighting; quite another to actually feel affectionate and happy. He refuses to go to counseling, so not sure how exactly we're going to really make change. So you've at least got going for your that your DH realizes the problem and is taking steps to fix it.

If DH is so lazy and selfish why will he most likely die ten years before you? If he conforms you your wishes, he will probably die even earlier. Is that what you are trying to achieve ?

[Anonymous]

I hope her dh realizes the problem because even though her negative reactions and constant bitching were destroying the marriage it doesn't take away his lack of helping in the family, which is what she was upset about in the first place. I do hope he is also willing to meet halfway. On the other end, my husband and I have made it through that intense little kid time and are happily parenting our three teenagers. I remember how hard it was to be constantly hands on with toddlers. Life comes in phases. Be strong and work together. Support each other when one needs it. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sort of in your same boat, OP. I realize that yelling etc. is my own reaction to DH's behavior, and they are two separate things. Even if his behavior is "wrong," it is also wrong for me to react aggressively.

At the same time, there's only so much I can tolerate with my own DH's lazy & selfish behavior before it literally drains the life out of me. It's one thing to dial down the fighting; quite another to actually feel affectionate and happy. He refuses to go to counseling, so not sure how exactly we're going to really make change. So you've at least got going for your that your DH realizes the problem and is taking steps to fix it.

If DH is so lazy and selfish why will he most likely die ten years before you? If he conforms you your wishes, he will probably die even earlier. Is that what you are trying to achieve ?

He will die 10 years earlier because he is so lazy and selfish that he will not eat right, exercise, or see the doctor. Nothing to do with me, actually.

[Anonymous]

Good approach OP. If you convince yourself that the cause of the problem is 100% DH when the cause is 50% (or we'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say 30%) you, then you'll never really resolve the problem because you have a blind spot toward 30% of the problem.

The key is that both spouses have to be working in good faith. Life generally, but the infant/toddler years in particular, can get you into some bad patterns. But you can get out of those patterns if you trust one another to, ultimately, have each other's best interests at heart. Without that trust, it's tough to pull out of those death spirals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men die ten years earlier than women. Life expectancy equality is the most pressing civil rights issue of our time .

The life expectancy of elephants is only 44.8 years! I'm sure that's to be blamed on nagging wives.

It may interest you to know that the life expectancy of a married man is 10 years longer than a single man. Thanks to a woman (or another man) for generously taking care of and loving him.

Life expectancy after divorce is even lower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you have sex, OP?

OP here, it fluctuates a bit but typically 1-2 times per week depending on how kids are sleeping. Honestly this aspect of marriage has really always been pretty strong and something we both feel satisfied with and we do discuss it quite a bit so I believe he is being honest with me that this is not our problem.

I realize it sounds odd but even when I'm very frustrated with him we do still tend to have sex. I actually feel like I have a relatively strong sex drive and I am very much attracted to my husband.

Also just to add in case anyone was wondering, we have been married 12 years and having children and childcare in general is definitely the primary issue we have. We both agree we have to find a better medium to be a team on this issue to really make things work. We also would like more alone time/ date nights but sitters have been hard to come by for that. He is also planning a vasectomy and I think this is definitely a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men die ten years earlier than women. Life expectancy equality is the most pressing civil rights issue of our time .

it is 7 years and declining. The gap was mostly because men smoked in greater numbers than women,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you have sex, OP?

OP here, it fluctuates a bit but typically 1-2 times per week depending on how kids are sleeping. Honestly this aspect of marriage has really always been pretty strong and something we both feel satisfied with and we do discuss it quite a bit so I believe he is being honest with me that this is not our problem.

I realize it sounds odd but even when I'm very frustrated with him we do still tend to have sex. I actually feel like I have a relatively strong sex drive and I am very much attracted to my husband.

Also just to add in case anyone was wondering, we have been married 12 years and having children and childcare in general is definitely the primary issue we have. We both agree we have to find a better medium to be a team on this issue to really make things work. We also would like more alone time/ date nights but sitters have been hard to come by for that. He is also planning a vasectomy and I think this is definitely a good idea.

I'd say your marriage stands a great chance of success.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your story. I can see how you playing the victim really took your power away and fed the growing resentment you had toward your DH. It's really great that you discovered that after you stopped being the victim you felt more in control.

I hope that in this framework you and DH can come to some understanding so that he can help you with the kids without you feeling like you need to nag and yell.

In any case, as hard as it is now, it would be even harder if DH left altogether.