My relationship with my 13yo DD

[Anonymous]

Sometimes--a lot of times?--it seems like the only interaction I have with my young teen is negative. I know a lot of this is par for the course, and I know what I should and should not do: I shouldn't get angry, I shouldn't take it personally, I should pick my battles, and developmentally she needs to individuate. I get it. But I find it so difficult to attain that kind of "zen" parenting state, and often fall short of the mark. I get mad and I yell. I'm often hurt that she sees me most of the time as a nag, a bore, a person to avoid. I'm still the same mom I was when she was three and adored me. I still invest a lot of time and effort on her behalf that she either doesn't see or doesn't appreciate. I miss my little girl! There, I said it and now feel hugely guilty for doing so.

Anyone have any advice on how to navigate what has become a truly frustrating and unsatisfying relationship?

[Anonymous]

Catch her at "being good." Say, thanks for doing the dishes without me asking. Thanks for being kind to your sister. Great job getting your homework done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Catch her at "being good." Say, thanks for doing the dishes without me asking. Thanks for being kind to your sister. Great job getting your homework done.

Thanks, PP. I guess strategy-wise it's really no different than when they were toddlers!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Those years were a trial for us, too. You'll get through it.

[Anonymous]

I am not OP. but I would like to know any other tips on making the mother-daughter relationship better as well.
At what age can we expect things to be normal again?

[Anonymous]

My DD is 12. She does not quite grasp the concept that I want the truth, and not what she thinks I want to hear. I told her when she turned 12, this was The Year of Telling the Truth. I riffed off Meet the Parents and created my own Circle of Trust. I take her hands, tell her "We have now created the Circle of Trust. While we have this circle, you can tell me the truth, and I will not yell, lecture or punish. What really happened with Claire and Faith? Go!" So far, it's worked successfully twice (I've only tried it twice.).

Also, when we're getting locked in towards a horrible argument, if I can remember to, I stop, put down whatever I'm holding, make her put down whatever she's holding, and I give her a big hug. I say "I love you." Sometimes I add "even when you're making me crazy" and I gently shake her. It brings down the blood pressure. It shifts our direction. It gets us working together to solve our disagreement instead of us going off in opposite directions in the conversations. It reminds her that I love her.

I make sure to compliment effort and encourage it. Yesterday she was being so slow and non-purposeful in cleaning her room with my help that I stopped helping. "This isn't my idea of fun. You're wasting my time." And I walked out. She complained she's not good at folding her clothes. I shrugged and said "So clearly you need practice." After 15 minutes I went back into her room and started matching up socks. She showed me how much she stunk at folding. I encouraged her to keep going. We got past our hump.

I make sure we have some sort of pleasant/happy/funny interaction each day.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to commiserate. My DD is 10, and she hates me. I can't do anything right. It's awful. You are not alone.

I was just thinking about the "old days" today, and it made me a little sad.

[Anonymous]

I try to remember my sense of humor. I try to not react. I try to remind myself everyday that before last ng she will be away at college. And then I put things in perspective.

[Anonymous]

"Last ng" is "long"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Catch her at "being good." Say, thanks for doing the dishes without me asking. Thanks for being kind to your sister. Great job getting your homework done.

Thanks, PP. I guess strategy-wise it's really no different than when they were toddlers!

It's so true. I don't think were ever really done as parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your exact post. I am in the same sinking boat. It is miserable and my best intentions turn into the same end result day after day.

[Anonymous]

Try reading "How to Talk so Your Teen will Listen and Listen so your Teen will Talk". I found it helpful. I also find it helpful to take a deep breath and (instead of responding to rudeness with wry sarcasm, as is my wont) just respond quietly and with a slight hint of wonder, "Wow. That was really kind of mean. It hurts my feelings when you say something like that." Also try the "Positive Statement ---constructive criticism---positive statement" approach.

"You know, honey----you have the prettiest big blue eyes. And I know you want to experiment with makeup, but using that shade of eyeliner that heavily sort of makes it harder to see how pretty your eyes are---and I just love you so much . . . "

When what I really want to say is, "OMG. That heavy black eyeliner makes your eyes look tiny and looks totally trampy. TAKE IT OFF."

[Anonymous]

BTDT...mom of four grown kids. I always found that the book speak didn't work because my kids knew when I was trying to handle them, and that frustrated them more than anything. My main technique was not engaging and getting space. I'm the type to want to settle everything immediately, but I had to learn to allow them to sulk and be upset until they were calmer. In all instances we had to be respectful to one another. True affection returned by the college years!

[Anonymous]

We make dinner a conflict free zone in our house. We do not bring up school or any other issues of stress. Kids can bring school issues if they choose. It has really helped us.

[Anonymous]

So don't be the nag, the bore, the scold. It's really not that hard.