MIL and vacation

[Anonymous]

DH wants to attend a family wedding oversea; on his side of the family, which means that MIL will be attending.

MIL is extremely subversive toward me, especially when she has an audience (her family, who all want something from her. I do not, except maybe peace and quiet.)

How can we make it a worthwhile trip for our immediate (DH, me, and small children) family, without giving MIL the opportunity to be her usual nasty self. I might add, she is passive aggressive, a wolf in sheeps clothing, such that the rest of her family has an idea of how she is toward me, but they don't call her on it.

The rest of the family, understandably, does not want to be subjected to her games; nor put in the scope of her fire. I would hate to miss the trip because of her.

As an aside, we live close, but she does not bother with her grandchildren, if that matters. They are starting to put the pieces of the picture together themselves, now that they are older. I would not want to send the message to them that bullies win.

What say you?

[Anonymous]

I say go overseas and then "get sick" and "come down with something" and skip the wedding and anything where you'd see MIL. You don't want to be causing a scene on someone else's special day.

Or, be like me and confront the hell out of her. Do it calmly and politely, and certainly not at the wedding, but tell her you are surprised as a grown woman she plays such immature games and you are disgusted by her actions.

[Anonymous]

can you just attend the wedding and make the rest of the trip for your immediate family either at the same location or continue on somewhere else?

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your husband tell his mother to cut that shit out ? Is he a Mama's boy ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't your husband tell his mother to cut that shit out ? Is he a Mama's boy ?

Yes, this!

[Anonymous]

Do not stay in the same hotel, preferably you will be across town. Since you have children, plan activities ahead (without her). In other words, systematically AVOID her except for the wedding day itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not stay in the same hotel, preferably you will be across town. Since you have children, plan activities ahead (without her). In other words, systematically AVOID her except for the wedding day itself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Stop stressing about managing your reputation. It's not worth the stress. Anyone worthwhile must know how she is

Be cordial to MIL like you would a neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop stressing about managing your reputation. It's not worth the stress. Anyone worthwhile must know how she is

Be cordial to MIL like you would a neighbor.

OP here. Great idea - we will bring our awesome neighbors to offset any MIL negativity Overseas party!

It's actually not about anyone's reputation, especially mine. I have never met these people before, and probably will never see them again, so I have no reputation to manage.

ITA anyone worthwhile definitely knows how she is, which is why everyone sort of "clears a circle" in her presence. I don't react, so she keeps poking. How would you describe someone like that - passive aggressive and bleak, I suppose. Let's just say I don't have a lot in common with her, and she sees it as an insult (or something, one can only imagine) - so she keeps poking. How on earth is everything about her, I wonder?

Anyway, I would like to deflect and keep her at a distance. It is easy most times, but during forced togetherness, she really takes issue with me, as if I am in her line of sight. Such as we tell our children: "you don't have to like (whomever), but you do have to be nice".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not stay in the same hotel, preferably you will be across town. Since you have children, plan activities ahead (without her). In other words, systematically AVOID her except for the wedding day itself.

+1

I like this. OP here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I need to add, MIL likes to act like the warm and fuzzy matriarch when she clearly is not.

MIL called us to ask if we were going. To most people, this would be a normal conversation. In MIL's world, it is one of her many ways of cornering DH, so he commits, one way or the other, which is impossible right now. We have so many plans that are contingent upon other plans this summer, that there is no possible way to have an truthful reply right now.

If the cousin forgoes the invite to us, based on MILs cornering DH, that would be bad. MIL wants to act like she is in touch with us, when in reality, she never bothers with us at all. We are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

The two points I raise (the invite and the interaction, should we attend) should not be disappointing, but it is. Same old, same old with a really nasty woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're making this more of a problem than it needs to be. Careful, or you will feed the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I need to add, MIL likes to act like the warm and fuzzy matriarch when she clearly is not.

MIL called us to ask if we were going. To most people, this would be a normal conversation. In MIL's world, it is one of her many ways of cornering DH, so he commits, one way or the other, which is impossible right now. We have so many plans that are contingent upon other plans this summer, that there is no possible way to have an truthful reply right now.

If the cousin forgoes the invite to us, based on MILs cornering DH, that would be bad. MIL wants to act like she is in touch with us, when in reality, she never bothers with us at all. We are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

The two points I raise (the invite and the interaction, should we attend) should not be disappointing, but it is. Same old, same old with a really nasty woman.

This seems kind of petty on your part. In your original post you said that your husband wants to attend this wedding. So when your MIL asked him if he was going, why would you consider that as being cornered by her? He can commit when the invite arrives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I need to add, MIL likes to act like the warm and fuzzy matriarch when she clearly is not.

MIL called us to ask if we were going. To most people, this would be a normal conversation. In MIL's world, it is one of her many ways of cornering DH, so he commits, one way or the other, which is impossible right now. We have so many plans that are contingent upon other plans this summer, that there is no possible way to have an truthful reply right now.

If the cousin forgoes the invite to us, based on MILs cornering DH, that would be bad. MIL wants to act like she is in touch with us, when in reality, she never bothers with us at all. We are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

The two points I raise (the invite and the interaction, should we attend) should not be disappointing, but it is. Same old, same old with a really nasty woman.

This seems kind of petty on your part. In your original post you said that your husband wants to attend this wedding. So when your MIL asked him if he was going, why would you consider that as being cornered by her? He can commit when the invite arrives.

Thanks for the responses and perspective!

OP here. MIL does this with all of the family weddings and events: she calls DH and asks for a commitment, months before the invites are mailed. Often times, the bride and groom are not in contact with MIL, nor are we. Given that DH is a grown adult, I feel like she should not call him to "check on" his plans for attending the wedding. She does it so she can sound like she knows what is going on with the family, but she really complicates matters. After all, wedding invitations are not sent out until eight weeks prior to the vent, for a reason. I feel like MIL is looking to get us cut out of the invite process, and corners Dh into saying "probably not" - when in reality we would be going, had MIL not interfered and gotten our potential invite rescinded. It is as if she is looking for an excuse to put it on us: "well, (DH) *said* you couldn't go...."

As if she wants to start drama, but pretend she did not. Whereas, she should just be letting us answer for ourselves by the expected procedure that everyone else is following. Mysteriously, MIL succeeded in getting her other children (who are not able to attend) an invitation. See what I am getting at? It is exhausting, to say the least.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I forgot to add. DH does want to attend the wedding, and we are trying to, but do not yet know our summer schedules (including work).

So, just as everyone else, we are NOT in a position to RSVP "no". Again, there is a reason invitations are sent; and there is a reason grown adults RSVP for themselves. And there is also a reason that most MILs I know of do *not* attempt to feign family togetherness for appearance sake. For crying out loud, the woman never talks to us unless she wants to start trouble. So if I sound miffed at MILs predictable behavior, yes, I am.