How to deal with mean kids?

[Anonymous]

How do you teach your child to deal with kids that are just mean? There are a few kids that are just mean to my child and several times throughout the school year, he has come home and told me how these students make him not want to go to school. I have offered suggestions to him such as talk to the teacher, talk to the guidance counselor, speak up when this behavior occurs so that it draws attention from the teacher, tell them to stop, ignore it, do the same behaviors that the mean kids are doing back to them, and on and on... But he hasn't done any of it I suppose. Any advice? I have also talked to him about how some kids are just really not nice and he should just do his best to avoid them.

[Anonymous]

My kids are grown--but this is the toughest issue ever. I remember it well.
First, your last sentence is the best way to handle it--unless it is real bullying.
What age is your son?

[Anonymous]

Advice to OP--try not to grill your son on this every day. It's hard, because you are worried--but, be sympathetic, but don't pity him. That makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

As a victim of severe bullying, do NOT tell him to ignore it. That will just make them try to annoy him even harder.

Write out a list of options, and have him cross out the ones that absolutely won't work in his mind. Then rewrite the list with the possibilities, and go through what he thinks the end result would be of doing each one.

[Anonymous]

This is such a tough issue. I eventually switched schools when it got really bad. At first I told my son to ignore the mean kid. Then we got the teachers and school counselor involved. The mean kid was not doing anything physical, but he taunted and followed my son ALL the time.

The school tried to help, but nothing they did really worked. My son was miserable and it affected his self-esteem. We eventually switched schools.

The one thing I should have done is personally contacted the mean kid's parents. I was reluctant to escalate it to that extent, because I wanted to believe that the kids could work it all out. The mean kid lived close to us, and I didn't want it to become a huge neighborhood rift. That was a mistake. Perhaps the parents might have been able to help (I doubt it, though).

We love our new school and my son is very happy.

[Anonymous]

Thanks pp, it's nice to know I'm not alone. My son calls these kids bullies, but I told him that unless he has told them to stop bothering him, and to leave him alone, than he can't be sure they are actually bullies (based on the "official" definition of the word). I told him that if he tells them to stop and to leave him alone, and they continue with the behavior, then it's called bullying. But he admits that he doesn't speak to these kids. He's 9, btw.

What makes this so hard is that my son is really super nice. He will be friends with anybody. Doesn't matter about age, boy or girl, how they look, what they are interested in, he likes everyone (except these kids who are teasing him). He is such a nice kid, and these kids are making him hate going to school because they are making him feel bad about himself. I asked where the teacher is when this happens and why doesn't the teacher stop them and he says they do it when the teacher isn't looking. This is the first year this has happened, every other year he has had no problems with anyone being mean to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice to OP--try not to grill your son on this every day. It's hard, because you are worried--but, be sympathetic, but don't pity him. That makes it worse.

I don't, because I dread hearing it honestly. But when he does tell me about it, I ask him how he handled it, what the kids did that upset him, etc. Then I offer suggestions like I said in my op. I definitely don't pity him, I try to tell him that he is not the problem, it's the other kids and its a mystery as to why they are being so mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a victim of severe bullying, do NOT tell him to ignore it. That will just make them try to annoy him even harder.

Write out a list of options, and have him cross out the ones that absolutely won't work in his mind. Then rewrite the list with the possibilities, and go through what he thinks the end result would be of doing each one.

This is a good idea, and to a degree, I've done something like this. I've asked him to come up with some ways to deal with these kids, offered some of my own suggestions (stand up and tell them enough in a loud, stern voice to get the teachers attention and other similar suggestions), I've talked to him about what do you think would happen if he did this or that, but he doesn't ever act on it when he's at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a tough issue. I eventually switched schools when it got really bad. At first I told my son to ignore the mean kid. Then we got the teachers and school counselor involved. The mean kid was not doing anything physical, but he taunted and followed my son ALL the time.

The school tried to help, but nothing they did really worked. My son was miserable and it affected his self-esteem. We eventually switched schools.

The one thing I should have done is personally contacted the mean kid's parents. I was reluctant to escalate it to that extent, because I wanted to believe that the kids could work it all out. The mean kid lived close to us, and I didn't want it to become a huge neighborhood rift. That was a mistake. Perhaps the parents might have been able to help (I doubt it, though).

We love our new school and my son is very happy.

I am flabbergasted that kids would be so persistent in being mean to another kid. I am so sorry that happened! Glad your kid is at a school where he is more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a tough issue. I eventually switched schools when it got really bad. At first I told my son to ignore the mean kid. Then we got the teachers and school counselor involved. The mean kid was not doing anything physical, but he taunted and followed my son ALL the time.

The school tried to help, but nothing they did really worked. My son was miserable and it affected his self-esteem. We eventually switched schools.

The one thing I should have done is personally contacted the mean kid's parents. I was reluctant to escalate it to that extent, because I wanted to believe that the kids could work it all out. The mean kid lived close to us, and I didn't want it to become a huge neighborhood rift. That was a mistake. Perhaps the parents might have been able to help (I doubt it, though).

We love our new school and my son is very happy.

Glad you are doing better in your new school! Sorry your son went through all of that though. I wonder if the mom knew her kid was making your child's life so difficult. This is what I think about with these boys who are teasing my son, do their moms know their sons are being mean? I have told my son that he should speak up if he sees other kids mistreating a classmate, and now here he is being teased and nobody seems to be standing up for him.

[Anonymous]

I met with the Principal at my kid's school when I heard daily how he was treated. After one meeting, it stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met with the Principal at my kid's school when I heard daily how he was treated. After one meeting, it stopped.

Did you talk to the teacher first? Can you tell me anymore about how you went about this, because that sounds wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Have your son learn wrestling, martial arts, anything to boost his confidence. It did wonders for ours.

[Anonymous]

The one thing I should have done is personally contacted the mean kid's parents.

OP, PP means well, but I really wouldn't do this. Some adults are bullies, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your son learn wrestling, martial arts, anything to boost his confidence. It did wonders for ours.

I've just signed him up for karate actually. I did this as a teenager and remember that being a good thing for my self esteem.