Switcheroo MIL
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
So, pride goeth before a fall, right? I have sometimes extolled my MIL's virtues here on DCUM over the years and really did not understand the bad MIL stories. Now, I am eating humble pie.
I asked H's parents to do an alcohol intervention with me. MIL did it, but she first cast about for reasons why he drinks, including that I made him insecure because before we were married he told her how smart and successful I was and he was worried about that. The drinking is my fault, apparently. After he denied he was an alcoholic, she tried to convince me that he wasn't and said he was just depressed or whatever. She seemed satisfied that I was off the mark. Now that we have separated, she has been awful. First, she texted H that this must be because of my hormones and once you get the hormones involved there is no way to get the emotions in check. She also texted H that he would be so much better off when this mess was behind him. Then, she texted me, saying that H said he had made some mistakes but he said he had never been unfaithful so I should just work it out with him. Um, hello? What did you think was going to happen if the intervention failed and he didn't stop emotionally and verbally abusing me and the kids??? Now, she insists that everything she gave us, including furniture, during the marriage was really a gift solely to him and not to the both of us, and therefore none of it counts as marital property. Sure. That's why it was in my house for months before H moved in. OK. There was even an effort to say that things she had given me for birthday presents were really for him. Even he couldn't pull that one off with a straight face. Here's the thing: H wants to try to reconcile. I don't know if we can. He has a lot of issues to address. Assuming he could address them, however, how can I ever be in the same room with this woman? I really don't know what she is thinking. Has anyone ever separated, had this kind of MIL behavior, and been able to overlook it when they reconciled? |
Anonymous
| Disengage. Now. Now tell her that things are between your partner and you, and to help work through your issues that you will disengage eith Her. |
Anonymous
|
I'm sorry OP. That sounds like misery heaped upon an already profoundly unhappy situation.
I agree w/ the pp re disengaging and drawing some clear boundaries. She should not be a third party to the marriage. Also, remember that alcoholics frequently come from families with patterns of dysfunction. She is probably demonstrating some of that for you. Are you in counseling? A good therapist can help you strategize ways to navigate yourself best through these waters. But primarily you need to focus on you, then you and your husband and whether there is a future there. Worrying about or dealing w/ your relationship w/ your MIL should be a focus only in terms of figuring out how to back burner all of that and put it down the list of priorities. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
|
Your husband ran to Mommy and cried what a big meanie you are, and she bought right into it. She makes every excuse for him, and probably always has and always will. This is part of why he has the issues he has.
Disengage, and tell him to talk to his mother, give her the real story, and then he needs to get some counseling about his issues. |
Anonymous
| Don't engage with this witch. This is between you and DH only. If not, you can't get past this. |
Anonymous
|
Divorce often brings out the worst in people. People think they have to pick sides and apparently your MIL is one of them. Unfortunately, I think you may have unwittingly put her in the middle by getting her involved in the intervention. She didn't buy into it in the first place and now that alcohol abuse is the basis for your divorce, she sees you as at fault because she doesn't believe it is alcohol abuse.
Anyway, I'm sorry. It's got to be tough. If you and your husband are going to reconcile, I think you might have to realize that things likely won't go back to where they were with her. |
Anonymous
OP never said this. MIL is probably a codependent enabler with a family history of alcoholism (husband, father, uncles). Clearly the upheaval in OP's marriage is bringing out the batshit crazy in her but don't blame DH for it. They're probably a typical alcoholic family- pretty fucked up. |
Anonymous
| Don't worry about mil now. Deal with DH and, depending on how you two discuss things, you'll have a more clear answer. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Leave her out of it and figure things out with your husband. |
Anonymous
and we have a winnnnnnnerr! Spot on!! |
Anonymous
Op never said this, and I didn't mean it literally, but I can almost hear his more subtle version of things, and how he and his mom talk. I'm from this kind of family, and not surprisingly, married into another one. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, OP, what a wretched situation. Focus on your family and keep MIL out of it. If she gets petulant about it explain that you and H are trying to figure out next steps and that has to be done within the confines of your marriage. Period. |
Anonymous
+1000 Concentrate on your separation, OP and whether or not to move on. |
Anonymous
| Thanks, All, for the good advice and helping me to refocus on my true priorities. H and I had to deal with an issue with a child tonight, and it went well. You are right. I'll focus on me and then on whether H and I can fix things. Tonight he seemed like a DH and not just an H, so if we figure it out MIL can [fill in your favorite expression here. MY mother raised me not to say things like "suck it," even though that's what I am thinking!]. |
Anonymous
Just this. Ignore any further texts/messages from her. She's hurting and in denial about her son. |