Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?

[Anonymous]

Sister has been married for 20 years, one child. My brother-in-law is relatively attractive, very intelligent and well read, sometimes full of himself but is generally polite and courteous. She is a great daughter, sister, OK mom but a terrible spouse and my entire family sees it. She is not above belittling him in front of all of us at family events. I would say in the last couple of years he has fought back and told her not to ever talk to him like that in public. So of course she tries to manipulate him even worse.

On Saturday we had a family get together at my house and they showed up beforehand to help out. My sister and their kid left to get groceries so I was left in the kitchen talking to my brother-in-law while we got food ready. Anyway, he had a couple of beers, which is rare for him, and started telling me how he cannot stand her, is planning on leaving, and saving money to do that. He also said that because he earns a lot more than her, he will do what he has to do legally to get out of the marriage.

Now he's not perfect, but I have never heard him talk like that - it sounds like he has the whole thing planned out and is waiting for the right day to do it. So do I tell her about this conversation or let it slide?

[Anonymous]

Why would he tell you this?

[Anonymous]

MYOB sounds like your sister is a see you next tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Tell her. If it all goes down, then she's the one you're going to be helping to pick up the pieces.

[Anonymous]

It doesnt sound like it was told to you in confidence so in your shoes i would tell her about it.

It will help her prepare if hes serious about it

If hes not, then at least it will be a wake up call for her.

In any case if sounds like a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Ouch. This is tough.

Question- why do you think he told you? Do you think he was hoping you would talk to her? That somehow you might send her the signals he cannot? He must know there's a good chance you will tell her.

[Anonymous]

Butt out.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell her. It might not happen. She made her bed.

If you do tell her though, maybe it's enough to make her change her ways?

[Anonymous]

Don't tell her. For all you know, you caught him after a couple of drinks and a bad fight between them, and he said things that were more wishful thinking than really true. But if you tell your sister that he's planning to divorce her, you could end up making it a reality if she runs with that and leaves him.

[Anonymous]

If it is my sister, I'll tell. It should come as no surprise if her marriage is as bad as you describe.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask him why he told you? It would help to see what he says.

Also did he start telling you out of the blue or do you say something first. Since we don't know much about the conversation it is hard to say.

I would talk to him before I spoke to her.

[Anonymous]

" He also said that because he earns a lot more than her, he will do what he has to do legally to get out of the marriage."

What the hell does that mean? If it means that he's planning on screwing her and the kids over, then definitely tell her.

[Anonymous]

contact him and let him know that you're uncomfortable holding this information. He has a week to tell her. After that, you'll share what he told you.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me like it's not an accident the guy told you all this. Do you think there's a chance on some level he wants you to tell her?

I think that if I was you I would pull him aside the next time you see him and say - wow, I really thought about what you said last time and wonder if you've said anything to my sister. Does she know about this? If you aren't able to tell her yourself that you're making these plans, then I feel a bit obligated to let her know that I know. Can you see how you've put me in that position and where I'm coming from?

And see what he says. Not fair for him to dump this shit on you. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Are we really suggesting she keep this secret from HER SISTER?

You have to tell your sister and I wish I had a good idea of how to do it.

Maybe, "So when you and cupcake went to the store, Joe had a couple of beers and was talking about you all having more serious problems. Like the kind of problems that end up with you not being Mrs. Joe any more. Have you guys talked about this at home? Is there anything you want to talk about with me?"