Teen cousin nonstop tickling DC, 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

But the child has their own instinct, their own gift. That must also be listened to and encouraged to develop.

+1.

The is what some people ignore is that moms like OP cause their children to become fearful and frightened of all touch and all interactions. Now her child will be reluctant to interact with his cousins in any way because they are bad, and the cousins will be reluctant to interact with the op's child in any way not because they were doing or planning something nefarious, but because they don't want to be accused as such.. Then in 10+ years, OP will be writing about how her child is so anxious and fearful and can't seem to make friends or do anything their peers do, and she is worried how her child will function in college because he's so dependent on mom for socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

But the child has their own instinct, their own gift. That must also be listened to and encouraged to develop.

+1.

The is what some people ignore is that moms like OP cause their children to become fearful and frightened of all touch and all interactions. Now her child will be reluctant to interact with his cousins in any way because they are bad, and the cousins will be reluctant to interact with the op's child in any way not because they were doing or planning something nefarious, but because they don't want to be accused as such.. Then in 10+ years, OP will be writing about how her child is so anxious and fearful and can't seem to make friends or do anything their peers do, and she is worried how her child will function in college because he's so dependent on mom for socialization.

No, honestly you are just better off playing with kids without putting your hands all over them. The same with greetings. There is no need for relatives to insist on hugging and kissing. We need to teachjng kids YOUNG about consent. Did the teen say "May I tickle you?" Any time you plan to be touching a kid like that there should be established verbal consent. Boundaries are important. It's not about never touching people. It's about always making sure you have their permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you.

Or your gut can be correct. One option protects your child, one exposes your child. One protects your child with no bad effect on the cousin, one leaves your child open to events we all know occur. I will point out that we are talking about a 5 yo who essentially has no agency. No one is suggesting anyone shame the cousin, rather OP may change the circumstances in direct or indirect ways to stop the tickling, including merely saying "stop the tickling". OP is 100% in the right as a parent re: who may or may not touch her child. Attempting to call this "ingrained sexism" assumes most predators are not male, which in fact, statistically they are, but is moot as we are talking about OP's parenting instinct, which is why she should act and which should always be noted. Not always followed, but always noted.

I'm curious as to why it's so important to continue to allow this cousin to engage in unwanted touching of a little kid. What are we worried about here? That "no" is not OK? Ingrained sexism, indeed.

It's not unwanted by the kid.

Different poster. True and I would be more concerned if a child's "no" was ignored, but having worked with families where a child was sexually abused, sometimes the kid really enjoys the attention until it crosses a line. Tickling is something that is no longer considered all in good fun when it goes on too long. You are repeatedly touching someone in a way that causes a sometimes involuntary response. It's too easy to accidentally touch the wrong area or not so accidentally and it easily go from fun to creepy in a second. OP had every right to step in. That said, this is a teen not a grown up and boundaries can be so nebulous. I would absolutely keep on eye on things and not let them be alone together, but it is absolutely plausible this is a clueless teen who just enjoys making the kid laugh and doesn't realize his hands are an inch or 2 away from being in a questionable place.

Yes lets teach our children that all the relatives are molesters and that they have been abused and are now traumatized.

You miss the point. This is about boundaries. When kids learn how boundaries work and they are empowered to expect to be asked before they are touched, even hugged, they are less likely to be victims. The teen needs a lesson on boundaries too. There are plenty of stories where a teen girl and boy were making out and going farther and she was having a great time, until she wasn't, but she didn't totally make it clear, but then things went farther and now it becomes everyone's business because she feels violated. In this day and age boundaries need to be established and communicated and there are plenty of ways to engage without having your hands all over a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you.

Or your gut can be correct. One option protects your child, one exposes your child. One protects your child with no bad effect on the cousin, one leaves your child open to events we all know occur. I will point out that we are talking about a 5 yo who essentially has no agency. No one is suggesting anyone shame the cousin, rather OP may change the circumstances in direct or indirect ways to stop the tickling, including merely saying "stop the tickling". OP is 100% in the right as a parent re: who may or may not touch her child. Attempting to call this "ingrained sexism" assumes most predators are not male, which in fact, statistically they are, but is moot as we are talking about OP's parenting instinct, which is why she should act and which should always be noted. Not always followed, but always noted.

I'm curious as to why it's so important to continue to allow this cousin to engage in unwanted touching of a little kid. What are we worried about here? That "no" is not OK? Ingrained sexism, indeed.

It's not unwanted by the kid.

Different poster. True and I would be more concerned if a child's "no" was ignored, but having worked with families where a child was sexually abused, sometimes the kid really enjoys the attention until it crosses a line. Tickling is something that is no longer considered all in good fun when it goes on too long. You are repeatedly touching someone in a way that causes a sometimes involuntary response. It's too easy to accidentally touch the wrong area or not so accidentally and it easily go from fun to creepy in a second. OP had every right to step in. That said, this is a teen not a grown up and boundaries can be so nebulous. I would absolutely keep on eye on things and not let them be alone together, but it is absolutely plausible this is a clueless teen who just enjoys making the kid laugh and doesn't realize his hands are an inch or 2 away from being in a questionable place.

Yes lets teach our children that all the relatives are molesters and that they have been abused and are now traumatized.

You miss the point. This is about boundaries. When kids learn how boundaries work and they are empowered to expect to be asked before they are touched, even hugged, they are less likely to be victims. The teen needs a lesson on boundaries too. There are plenty of stories where a teen girl and boy were making out and going farther and she was having a great time, until she wasn't, but she didn't totally make it clear, but then things went farther and now it becomes everyone's business because she feels violated. In this day and age boundaries need to be established and communicated and there are plenty of ways to engage without having your hands all over a child.

You are seriously a headcase to turn 2 cousins having fun into a story of someone being assaulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

But the child has their own instinct, their own gift. That must also be listened to and encouraged to develop.

+1.

The is what some people ignore is that moms like OP cause their children to become fearful and frightened of all touch and all interactions. Now her child will be reluctant to interact with his cousins in any way because they are bad, and the cousins will be reluctant to interact with the op's child in any way not because they were doing or planning something nefarious, but because they don't want to be accused as such.. Then in 10+ years, OP will be writing about how her child is so anxious and fearful and can't seem to make friends or do anything their peers do, and she is worried how her child will function in college because he's so dependent on mom for socialization.

No, honestly you are just better off playing with kids without putting your hands all over them. The same with greetings. There is no need for relatives to insist on hugging and kissing. We need to teachjng kids YOUNG about consent. Did the teen say "May I tickle you?" Any time you plan to be touching a kid like that there should be established verbal consent. Boundaries are important. It's not about never touching people. It's about always making sure you have their permission.

What relative was insisting in OPs? Story. Not a single one. But since you brought that up consent includes you. SO I hope you never laid a hand on your child, kissing, hugging, or anything else until they could verbally agreed to it otherwise you have assaulted them.

[Anonymous]

Also tell your kid that if they don’t like something, yell stop! And people need to stop. And if they dont stop, your kid can do whatever they need to do to get them to stop, yes, scream, hit them, etc. children should learn they are allowed to have boundaries that should be respected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you.

Or your gut can be correct. One option protects your child, one exposes your child. One protects your child with no bad effect on the cousin, one leaves your child open to events we all know occur. I will point out that we are talking about a 5 yo who essentially has no agency. No one is suggesting anyone shame the cousin, rather OP may change the circumstances in direct or indirect ways to stop the tickling, including merely saying "stop the tickling". OP is 100% in the right as a parent re: who may or may not touch her child. Attempting to call this "ingrained sexism" assumes most predators are not male, which in fact, statistically they are, but is moot as we are talking about OP's parenting instinct, which is why she should act and which should always be noted. Not always followed, but always noted.

I'm curious as to why it's so important to continue to allow this cousin to engage in unwanted touching of a little kid. What are we worried about here? That "no" is not OK? Ingrained sexism, indeed.

It's not unwanted by the kid.

Different poster. True and I would be more concerned if a child's "no" was ignored, but having worked with families where a child was sexually abused, sometimes the kid really enjoys the attention until it crosses a line. Tickling is something that is no longer considered all in good fun when it goes on too long. You are repeatedly touching someone in a way that causes a sometimes involuntary response. It's too easy to accidentally touch the wrong area or not so accidentally and it easily go from fun to creepy in a second. OP had every right to step in. That said, this is a teen not a grown up and boundaries can be so nebulous. I would absolutely keep on eye on things and not let them be alone together, but it is absolutely plausible this is a clueless teen who just enjoys making the kid laugh and doesn't realize his hands are an inch or 2 away from being in a questionable place.

Yes lets teach our children that all the relatives are molesters and that they have been abused and are now traumatized.

You miss the point. This is about boundaries. When kids learn how boundaries work and they are empowered to expect to be asked before they are touched, even hugged, they are less likely to be victims. The teen needs a lesson on boundaries too. There are plenty of stories where a teen girl and boy were making out and going farther and she was having a great time, until she wasn't, but she didn't totally make it clear, but then things went farther and now it becomes everyone's business because she feels violated. In this day and age boundaries need to be established and communicated and there are plenty of ways to engage without having your hands all over a child.

You are seriously a headcase to turn 2 cousins having fun into a story of someone being assaulted.

No this sounds like it was too much. It may not have been assault, but it’s ok to say laugh and say, Too much! to the teens, and they learn too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you.

Or your gut can be correct. One option protects your child, one exposes your child. One protects your child with no bad effect on the cousin, one leaves your child open to events we all know occur. I will point out that we are talking about a 5 yo who essentially has no agency. No one is suggesting anyone shame the cousin, rather OP may change the circumstances in direct or indirect ways to stop the tickling, including merely saying "stop the tickling". OP is 100% in the right as a parent re: who may or may not touch her child. Attempting to call this "ingrained sexism" assumes most predators are not male, which in fact, statistically they are, but is moot as we are talking about OP's parenting instinct, which is why she should act and which should always be noted. Not always followed, but always noted.

I'm curious as to why it's so important to continue to allow this cousin to engage in unwanted touching of a little kid. What are we worried about here? That "no" is not OK? Ingrained sexism, indeed.

It's not unwanted by the kid.

Different poster. True and I would be more concerned if a child's "no" was ignored, but having worked with families where a child was sexually abused, sometimes the kid really enjoys the attention until it crosses a line. Tickling is something that is no longer considered all in good fun when it goes on too long. You are repeatedly touching someone in a way that causes a sometimes involuntary response. It's too easy to accidentally touch the wrong area or not so accidentally and it easily go from fun to creepy in a second. OP had every right to step in. That said, this is a teen not a grown up and boundaries can be so nebulous. I would absolutely keep on eye on things and not let them be alone together, but it is absolutely plausible this is a clueless teen who just enjoys making the kid laugh and doesn't realize his hands are an inch or 2 away from being in a questionable place.

Yes lets teach our children that all the relatives are molesters and that they have been abused and are now traumatized.

You miss the point. This is about boundaries. When kids learn how boundaries work and they are empowered to expect to be asked before they are touched, even hugged, they are less likely to be victims. The teen needs a lesson on boundaries too. There are plenty of stories where a teen girl and boy were making out and going farther and she was having a great time, until she wasn't, but she didn't totally make it clear, but then things went farther and now it becomes everyone's business because she feels violated. In this day and age boundaries need to be established and communicated and there are plenty of ways to engage without having your hands all over a child.

You are seriously a headcase to turn 2 cousins having fun into a story of someone being assaulted.

No this sounds like it was too much. It may not have been assault, but it’s ok to say laugh and say, Too much! to the teens, and they learn too

Too much to whom? The little kid in the story didn't seem bothered by it during or after according to Op. But by all means kip insisting this child was abused or will be abused by their cousin because that's the healthy thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also tell your kid that if they don’t like something, yell stop! And people need to stop. And if they dont stop, your kid can do whatever they need to do to get them to stop, yes, scream, hit them, etc. children should learn they are allowed to have boundaries that should be respected

While on the surface this is all well meaning, but in addition to the potential problems pps have pointed out it 1. wrongly implies that if heaven forbid something happens to a child that they are at fault because they didn't fight it off in the right way or 2.May actually make them more vulnerable to predators children by nature tend to enjoy silly, physical and affectionate play not allowing any of it in situations where boundaries are respected leaves an opening for being manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stopped it, that's good.
If he looks like he is going to start it again - you say "no, we don't want a repeat of that, leave the tickling out thanks" and give him a look that says "don't fuk with me"

+1

And I wouldn’t leave my kids alone with this cousin. Ever

As this incident in which all adults remained functionally silent demonstrates, "alone" or not is not really relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.

But the child has their own instinct, their own gift. That must also be listened to and encouraged to develop.

+1.

The is what some people ignore is that moms like OP cause their children to become fearful and frightened of all touch and all interactions. Now her child will be reluctant to interact with his cousins in any way because they are bad, and the cousins will be reluctant to interact with the op's child in any way not because they were doing or planning something nefarious, but because they don't want to be accused as such.. Then in 10+ years, OP will be writing about how her child is so anxious and fearful and can't seem to make friends or do anything their peers do, and she is worried how her child will function in college because he's so dependent on mom for socialization.

No, honestly you are just better off playing with kids without putting your hands all over them. The same with greetings. There is no need for relatives to insist on hugging and kissing. We need to teachjng kids YOUNG about consent. Did the teen say "May I tickle you?" Any time you plan to be touching a kid like that there should be established verbal consent. Boundaries are important. It's not about never touching people. It's about always making sure you have their permission.

What relative was insisting in OPs? Story. Not a single one. But since you brought that up consent includes you. SO I hope you never laid a hand on your child, kissing, hugging, or anything else until they could verbally agreed to it otherwise you have assaulted them.

Of course I get consent before hugging or kissing my kids. As soon as they even learned sign language we would ask if they wanted a kiss. Then when we gave a kiss and got the "more" sign, we gave more kisses. It's easy to say "do you want a hug?" Most often the answer is "yes", but the occasional time one of my kids said "no" I absolutely respected that.

One poster on here is so defensive and quickly jumps to saying we are accusing all people who tickle of being molesters. Nobody said that. This is simply an opportunity to teach appropriate boundaries. It's OK to tell the teenager to stop, even if the child is smiling and laughing. That doesn't mean you think he is molester, it just means you think it is too much and time to stop.

[Anonymous]

Op, did you or someone you know have an experience as a child?