Would you date a man with a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So women that get pregnant but don’t want to be a parent can have an abortion, and their body, their choice. No judgement.

But if a man doesn’t want to be a parent but woman does and he financially supports, he is a total a-hole? Wow double standard

Where did OP say he didn't want to be a parent?

I mean let's be real, how many guys that have a ONS want to parent with that woman? Isn't that kinda implied?

Wear a condom.

[Anonymous]

The ones that are saying because they don't want kids baffle me. Like, how'd you end up on the DC Urban MOM site?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does not see. He does pay child support. It was an ONS if that makes a difference, and the mom doesn't want him involved.

Dating a man with kids is a lose-lose situation for an unattached woman. If he's an involved father, you don't want this because you will always come #2, and your relationship will have to contort itself into the contours of their father-child life. If he's an uninvolved father, you don't want this because it doesn't say very nice things about him.

The best-case scenario of a man with child is someone whose child is grown and has launched.

+1. But even a man with grown children is not ideal. I have a relative who has had a lot of drama coming from her significant other’s adult children. Some grown children never completely launch.

[Anonymous]

All the rest are just someone else's discard.

Hi. Please tell me, gentle PP, how old are you? I often see men post stupid statements like yours (e.g., dating a single mom is just playing someone else's saved game); however, I do not see many women doing the same.

My point: You may not be someone else's discard. You likely so broken that no one will pick you up in the first place.

Maybe not some much the case in your 30s. If you are still a free agent later in life, my point is made.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I know of several dads who do not get to see their kids. Some women do in fact want sole custody plus child support. I don't think the dads did anything egregious to lose custody, and they have been fighting for it. I feel bad for them. It would take something really extreme for me to seek sole custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So women that get pregnant but don’t want to be a parent can have an abortion, and their body, their choice. No judgement.

But if a man doesn’t want to be a parent but woman does and he financially supports, he is a total a-hole? Wow double standard

In what universe? There's a large segment of the population that would indeed judge a woman for having an abortion. And they wouldn't just call her an "a-hole" they'd call her a murderer.

If someone started a post saying would you date a woman that had an abortion from a ONS a decade ago? I doubt the overwhelming answers would be what a horrible person she must be, and no of course not

The more apt comparison would be "would you date a woman who had a child after a ONS, left it with the father, and never sees it but pays for it", and I think most men would rightfully respond with "that's a lot of drama/that's freaking weird".

Right. But that wouldn’t happen bc a woman that doesn’t want to be a parent can abort

can /= does

But she has the choice. A man doesn’t have that choice

Yes he has the choice to not have sex, use birth control or get a vasectomy. Everyone is responsible for their own birth control.

Women have those choices too and still end up with unexpected pregnancies. The difference is women have the final say in if an unexpected pregnancy results in a baby. Men have no say in the pregnancy outcome. I’m not saying they should, just that it should be equally acceptable for men or women to not want to be parents. This guy is doing the legally required minimum. Not knowing any details, I wouldn’t judge him for not parenting just as I wouldn’t judge a woman that had an abortion or have her child up for adoption

There’s a difference between “not judging” and “do I want to spend the rest of my life - and potentially have children - with this person”

You can be non-judge mental, but that doesn’t mean you have to date them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does not see. He does pay child support. It was an ONS if that makes a difference, and the mom doesn't want him involved.

Dating a man with kids is a lose-lose situation for an unattached woman. If he's an involved father, you don't want this because you will always come #2, and your relationship will have to contort itself into the contours of their father-child life. If he's an uninvolved father, you don't want this because it doesn't say very nice things about him.

The best-case scenario of a man with child is someone whose child is grown and has launched.

+1. But even a man with grown children is not ideal. I have a relative who has had a lot of drama coming from her significant other’s adult children. Some grown children never completely launch.

Failure to launch kids suk. Is there a disability or LD or mental issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does not see. He does pay child support. It was an ONS if that makes a difference, and the mom doesn't want him involved.

Dating a man with kids is a lose-lose situation for an unattached woman. If he's an involved father, you don't want this because you will always come #2, and your relationship will have to contort itself into the contours of their father-child life. If he's an uninvolved father, you don't want this because it doesn't say very nice things about him.

The best-case scenario of a man with child is someone whose child is grown and has launched.

+1. But even a man with grown children is not ideal. I have a relative who has had a lot of drama coming from her significant other’s adult children. Some grown children never completely launch.

Failure to launch kids suk. Is there a disability or LD or mental issue?

I see so many examples these days of adult children who are launched in the sense of living on their own, but they are still overly reliant on one or both parents for money, assistance, etc. I think parenting trends of the last two decades are to blame. The trend has been that parents make children the center and sole focus of their lives as opposed to incorporating kids into their lives in a healthy way. The result is that kids grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. The parents also lose any sense of an identity outside of being so and so’s mom or dad. It is unhealthy. I’m not suggesting parents shouldn’t be attentive and put a lot of energy and time into their kids, but I think it’s unhealthy for them to define themselves by their kid(s). That almost always seems to lead to a kid who becomes a very entitled adult who has a difficult time living independently and establishing his or her own life. There’s a sweet spot. It also leads to very tribal people. So when you date someone who has raised their kids this way or was raised in this way, you are always an outsider, a “them” in their world.

[Anonymous]

I once dated a man with kids (a long time ago, as I’m married now), and he used his kids as an excuse. At first I never questioned it because I felt that the kids come first. But then I realized that sometimes he was flat out lying. He also was incredibly condescending. Whenever we had a difference of opinion on any topic (even unrelated to kids), he’d default to some version of he knows more because he is a parent. It got old fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does not see. He does pay child support. It was an ONS if that makes a difference, and the mom doesn't want him involved.

Dating a man with kids is a lose-lose situation for an unattached woman. If he's an involved father, you don't want this because you will always come #2, and your relationship will have to contort itself into the contours of their father-child life. If he's an uninvolved father, you don't want this because it doesn't say very nice things about him.

The best-case scenario of a man with child is someone whose child is grown and has launched.

+1. But even a man with grown children is not ideal. I have a relative who has had a lot of drama coming from her significant other’s adult children. Some grown children never completely launch.

Failure to launch kids suk. Is there a disability or LD or mental issue?

I see so many examples these days of adult children who are launched in the sense of living on their own, but they are still overly reliant on one or both parents for money, assistance, etc. I think parenting trends of the last two decades are to blame. The trend has been that parents make children the center and sole focus of their lives as opposed to incorporating kids into their lives in a healthy way. The result is that kids grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. The parents also lose any sense of an identity outside of being so and so’s mom or dad. It is unhealthy. I’m not suggesting parents shouldn’t be attentive and put a lot of energy and time into their kids, but I think it’s unhealthy for them to define themselves by their kid(s). That almost always seems to lead to a kid who becomes a very entitled adult who has a difficult time living independently and establishing his or her own life. There’s a sweet spot. It also leads to very tribal people. So when you date someone who has raised their kids this way or was raised in this way, you are always an outsider, a “them” in their world.

NP: This resonates with me as I dated someone like this and she and daughter thought they were the Gilmore girls.

[Anonymous]

I am married to a man with a kid from a prev. marriage. The mom does not want him involved - we are constantly in court. She fights on everything. The kid is wonderful and no issues with him whatsoever. The ex is incredibly high conflict and makes life hell. An ex who fights dad on being involved with his kid to the point he has given up is a sad situation and you should be prepared for years and years of pain, financial loss and constant stress if you stick with this relationship.

[Anonymous]

I married a man with a child he does see. Very happy. We have one of our own now.