Does my kid need an evaluation or do I need a parenting coach?

[Anonymous]

Is one and a half year old in day care too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he does these things, hurting the baby, the tantrums, how do you respond?

OP here- not very well. I will ignore regular tantrums but when he gets physical, end up picking him up and shutting him in his room. Same with hitting younger sibling- will ask him to stop but when he doesn’t, I have to drag him to his room for a timeout.

And as bad as he can be with me, he’s even worse with DH. I think it may partly be because DH has a lower tolerance for any unruly behavior. DS gets rather keyed up when tired at the end of the day. Was bouncing around yesterday evening as I was getting dinner on the table. DH’s instructions to “stop jumping” and “calm down” quickly escalated into yelling, tears, and DS socking DH in the mouth.

I'm sorry if I missed this, but this might be a big part of the problem he's overtired. He might just need to go to bed much earlier than he does. When is bedtime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old does everything by himself at preschool, but he relies on me to do everything at home, eg wear sock, shoes, wipe butt etc. He says he can’t do it, but his teachers tell me that he can do it. He cleans up at preschool, but he makes a mess at one all the time.

Well, he is suspicious of adhd by children hospital because of his hyperactive behavior (well behaved at school, but more naughty at home), talking a lot ( but he can read book or do things for hours for no talking), a bit emotional ( well behaved at school & okay at home). He has no anger issue, just sometimes he cannot still sit.

Sounds like a 4 year old has you wrapped around his finger. Stop enabling him and let him do things for himself, starting by wiping his butt.

[Anonymous]

Have yu tried ignoring these outburts? It seems he's feeding of the attention he knows he''ll get when he acts out. Don't allow him to hurt you or the baby, but can you just walk away, you and the others go someplace else, and let him know you won't be with him if he's hitting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:That sounds tough. I think an eval AND a parenting coach in order-not because you are causing the issues but because kids with intense temperaments (and perhaps adhd, etc) can be really challenging and there is good evidence that specific parenting techniques can make a big difference. Id probably wait on a parenting classes/coaching till after an evaluation though so you have a better idea what of the nature of the issues. Good luck!

not a parenting coach. an actual trained behavioral psychologist who knows evidence-based methods to address disruptive behavior.

start out with reading Kazdin, Parenting the Defiant Child. https://alankazdin.com/

you can also seek out an evaluation, but evaluations a) take a long time and b) don't provide you any actual therapy, or even much insight into therapy. our aggressive DS actually did get an autism diagnosis in the middle of trying to figure out his behavioral issue, but the autism diagnosis was literally useless. it was one day with a psychologist who we never saw again. all she said was "get behavioral therapy for aggression and work on social skills." gee thanks!

if they wait for an evaluation, it will be another six months of letting these dysfunctional patterns escalate, and could get much, much worse. ask me how I know. especially with a smaller sib in the house, the aggression needs to be dealt with ASAP.

here's a starting place for therapy: http://www.pcit.org/

Also, I just wanted to address the notion that there's nothing that can be done until "you have a better idea of the nature of the issues." That's the single most harmful attitude we encountered when we started to deal with my DS's disruptive behaviors. OP already KNOWS the nature of the issues - her son is disruptive and physically aggressive, and she and her DH do not have parenting tools to deal with it. Sure there could be an underlying diagnosis, but that has nothing at all to do with the actual challenge, which is obvious.

The most effective techniques really do vary based on the nature of the issue-best parenting practices for autism spectrum vs incipient odd or dmdd (though he is too young for that diagnosis at this point) have overlap but it would absolutely help to know. And by parenting coach I did mean a skilled person a la kazdin method trained or even their parenting course not some part-time life coach but yes, good to be specific.

No, they don't. Our behavioral therapist said she would use the same techniques regardless of the diagnosis. If they didn't work, then yes, she would have referred on to a specialist. It might "help" to know in the sense that more information can be helpful, but it is absolutely not helpful or necessary to refuse to take steps to help a child with his obvious challenges until you get the results of the mythical evaluation.

And again, no, a "skilled person" is not the answer. "A trained and well-supervised pyschologist" is the answer.

There is overlap in techniques but it it’s absolutely false that it’s one size fits all-that’s absurd. Source-I am a mental health professional.

are you trained in PCIT or other specific behavioral modification therapies to address distruptive behaviors?

it’s not one size fits all, but from OP’s description, any well trained behavioral therapist will be able to help.

It seems behavioral therapy has been helpful to your family-that’s great iand t’s a good fit for many patients and for specific disorders but it’s not remotely the best only legitimate treatment for behavioral issues in early childhood and if your child’s therapist says it is they need to be better trained. But it IS great that it seems to have worked for your family.

for aggressive behavior, like hitting siblings and parents? there is evidence-based treatment for that. I don’t know why you wouldn’t pursue it. play therapy etc is not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://rachel-bailey.com/

Rachel Bailey has a podcast and YouTube page and Facebook page for the podcast where you can sometimes ask questions. Or schedule a Zoom with her directly. She is extremely helpful at understanding behavior and also used to be an ADHD coach and has some kind of positive discipline credential.

You can also join her academy for more support. I would try something with her while you are also pursuing other avenues. She will have things for you to try but is also not shy about recommending other experts if needed. She has extremely practical tips.

I would not waste money or time on this. There are many well trained therapists with experience treating disruptive behaviors.

I posted about Rachel Bailey. I'm curious why you think seeing her would be wasting time or money. She is phenomenal. She is also trained as a therapist, for that matter. I only posted about some of her free resources so OP could get an idea of how she presents things, but I have also met with her individually and in the academy. We did try therapy before finding her. For us, that therapist was the wasted money.

because she’s not a therapist trained specifically in addressing distruptive and aggressive behaviors.

[Anonymous]

We have the same life. Older kid is rambunctious, starts fights with younger bro. , etc.

1. Development pediatrician appointments must be booked MONTHS in advance. I have heard 6-9 months, but that’s going off one friend. If you are even thinking about it, get on their books now.

2. The Kazdin method has worked wonders for my child. Ago ahead and buy both books.

3. Parenting coaching will be helpful, but be prepared to call around. I had to call 9 places to get a therapist who would take our insurance, and that was before COVID!

good luck.