First responder sibling losing their mind

[Anonymous]

Helpful responses- thank you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound about as supportive of her as she is of you. You both seem to think the other needs to shut up and listen to you. Perhaps the solution is to just not bicker. Don't talk about how bad your respective lives are. She doesn't want to hear it and neither do you. Talk about the weather or the kids. Donr expect a deep, meaningful relationship when you don't want to be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you sound about as supportive of her as she is of you. You both seem to think the other needs to shut up and listen to you. Perhaps the solution is to just not bicker. Don't talk about how bad your respective lives are. She doesn't want to hear it and neither do you. Talk about the weather or the kids. Donr expect a deep, meaningful relationship when you don't want to be real.

OP here. Honestly I’ve had the same thought. I think deep and meaningful in this context may just be emotionally dangerous. I love her and want to be there for her, but not a punching bag. So need to figure that out. Maybe keeping it light is the next best alternative. I rather have a less deep, but less harmful relationship over our lifetime than a tumultuous one that ends prematurely because of some truly unnecessary conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic has made my sister lose her marbles, and although I am normally close to this sibling, sibling got super pissed when I asked for social distancing (wear a mask) to see me or my mother (who is immunosurpressed, then sibling showed up at my house to see my newborn without a mask). You all won’t believe it, but they are a doctor, who sees covid patients every day. Very brave but clearly due to the stress sibling has lost their damn mind. So when I put down the hard line of please wear a mask, they texted me a bunch of nasty stuff about 4 days postpartum (texts along the lines of: you’re not the first person to have a baby, shut up and stop complaining) then cut off all communication. I feel abandoned from any support - even just emotional- postpartum.

Writing this I can see how effed up this is. Obviously this isn’t the first time it’s happened. The sad thing is that we have a great relationship when things are good, but then as soon as sibling is stressed, I get lashed out at and it’s like we didn’t even have such a close relationship. I guess it hurts more now because I’m postpartum and am quarantined. Normally I just ignore it and get on with my busy life. However, this sibling is an expert at kicking while I’m down.

Any word of advice for dealing with a sibling you are close with, who can be both kind but also incredibly volatile and cruel? It doesn’t seem right to let this relationship go, but maybe it’s time. Or should I just chalk it up to the pandemic?

A doctor isn’t a first responder unless they are practicing combat surgery or are riding along with EMTs.

[Anonymous]

OP you are your sisters emotional trash can. When she feels bad she dumps it on you. You are both under a lot of stress. I think “grey rock “ and take a break from each other. You have a lot going on with healing up a new baby and two others. She’s not going to see that. She’s so stressed at work. To keep the relationship I think a cooling off period is necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a sister a lot like this I could have written something similar to a lot of your posts. I’ve learned that mine definitely has mental health issues and pandemic stress has made her act in erratic ways, sometimes kind of reckless and fatalistic. She’s angry that my immunocompromised mother won’t allow her to visit without a mask. The advice in the book “Boundaries” has really helped me.

It was *completely* reasonable of you to ask her to wear a mask. I’m surprised people are giving you such a hard time. Yes, people in medicine are under tremendous stress right now, but that doesn’t give them excuses to treat their families poorly. Most people I know in healthcare are not reacting by treating people like crap. It’s possible to have compassion for your sister without acting like her behavior is no big deal.

You have a newborn and that’s hard. And the major surgery makes it even harder. Focus on the people who are being supportive in your life for now and reengage with your sister when you’re in a healthier place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic has made my sister lose her marbles, and although I am normally close to this sibling, sibling got super pissed when I asked for social distancing (wear a mask) to see me or my mother (who is immunosurpressed, then sibling showed up at my house to see my newborn without a mask). You all won’t believe it, but they are a doctor, who sees covid patients every day. Very brave but clearly due to the stress sibling has lost their damn mind. So when I put down the hard line of please wear a mask, they texted me a bunch of nasty stuff about 4 days postpartum (texts along the lines of: you’re not the first person to have a baby, shut up and stop complaining) then cut off all communication. I feel abandoned from any support - even just emotional- postpartum.

Writing this I can see how effed up this is. Obviously this isn’t the first time it’s happened. The sad thing is that we have a great relationship when things are good, but then as soon as sibling is stressed, I get lashed out at and it’s like we didn’t even have such a close relationship. I guess it hurts more now because I’m postpartum and am quarantined. Normally I just ignore it and get on with my busy life. However, this sibling is an expert at kicking while I’m down.

Any word of advice for dealing with a sibling you are close with, who can be both kind but also incredibly volatile and cruel? It doesn’t seem right to let this relationship go, but maybe it’s time. Or should I just chalk it up to the pandemic?

A doctor isn’t a first responder unless they are practicing combat surgery or are riding along with EMTs.

What do you think happens when someone comes in (not by ambulance) with active serious bleeding or gasping for breath to the ED? Do they call EMT to come and preassess, or do they call the ED doc from the next room?

[Anonymous]

Foolow-up question for PP: Do you think most hypoxic COVID-19 patients are arriving to the ED by ambulance or by other (non-EMT) transport? Or are combat surgeons bringing them in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pandemic has made my sister lose her marbles, and although I am normally close to this sibling, sibling got super pissed when I asked for social distancing (wear a mask) to see me or my mother (who is immunosurpressed, then sibling showed up at my house to see my newborn without a mask). You all won’t believe it, but they are a doctor, who sees covid patients every day. Very brave but clearly due to the stress sibling has lost their damn mind. So when I put down the hard line of please wear a mask, they texted me a bunch of nasty stuff about 4 days postpartum (texts along the lines of: you’re not the first person to have a baby, shut up and stop complaining) then cut off all communication. I feel abandoned from any support - even just emotional- postpartum.

Writing this I can see how effed up this is. Obviously this isn’t the first time it’s happened. The sad thing is that we have a great relationship when things are good, but then as soon as sibling is stressed, I get lashed out at and it’s like we didn’t even have such a close relationship. I guess it hurts more now because I’m postpartum and am quarantined. Normally I just ignore it and get on with my busy life. However, this sibling is an expert at kicking while I’m down.

Any word of advice for dealing with a sibling you are close with, who can be both kind but also incredibly volatile and cruel? It doesn’t seem right to let this relationship go, but maybe it’s time. Or should I just chalk it up to the pandemic?

She is not thinking of you or anyone else. STay away from her. You don't have a good relationship with her---pandemic or not. This is just a different manifestation. It will only get worse. MY DH is on the frontline. Will not go near others w/o mask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you sound about as supportive of her as she is of you. You both seem to think the other needs to shut up and listen to you. Perhaps the solution is to just not bicker. Don't talk about how bad your respective lives are. She doesn't want to hear it and neither do you. Talk about the weather or the kids. Donr expect a deep, meaningful relationship when you don't want to be real.

OP here. Honestly I’ve had the same thought. I think deep and meaningful in this context may just be emotionally dangerous. I love her and want to be there for her, but not a punching bag. So need to figure that out. Maybe keeping it light is the next best alternative. I rather have a less deep, but less harmful relationship over our lifetime than a tumultuous one that ends prematurely because of some truly unnecessary conflict.

My sister is similar- she's an emergency responder and stressed in the best of times. I made the mistake of being too candid about her foray into an MLM for "mental health" supplements (not only taking them, but promoting to other first responders as a legit way to deal with stress/depression). She totally lost it and I realized right then and there that I couldn't be honest with her. It's just not the kind of relationship we have. I'd rather just stay on good terms even if that means we communicate more on a shallow level.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with everyone who has said that you should just tune everyone else and snuggle that baby.

I did that with my second and a ton of extended family drama everywhere. I had some self-care rituals built in to the caregiving and some fun entertainment to keep me from ruminating on family stuff too much, like a book or a fun podcast or TV show. Other than that, I just took care of the baby, my younger child, and myself. This was years ago, pre-covid, and I think the drama people might have been offended- I'm not sure honestly. My husband had to go back to work after the first week. I kept this up for at least three months. My mental health was primo and the kids and I were healthy and happy.

It was an amazing time in my life and I wouldn't change a thing. And it was many years ago.

Once that was over and the kids were older, I couldn't shut the drama family out like that anymore, and sometimes I really miss those days for that reason. Enjoy them.