Would you date someone who...

[Anonymous]

I know:

One couple who have been "separated" since 1998 and just got divorced. Husband was dating ppl the entire time, wife occasionally had dates but nothing serious.

Another couple who have been together for 4+ years. He's still married to his wife and the girlfriend has never been married and is oddly not terribly attractive given the guy (and the history with his wife and affair partners who were all gorgeous).

Finally, another woman who has been married to the same man for 40+ years but does not live with him and has had a new boyfriend for 3+ years.

I think in all of these instances the reasons for staying with the spouse were financial but I still find it very strange.

[Anonymous]

Nope.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who has been with a separated man for 2 years and couldn't be happier. But they don't live together and he doesn't live with his ex wife either.
Personally, I could never date a separated but not divorced guy. Way too much baggage and I don't want to be anyone's emotional crutch.

[Anonymous]

No because in spite of what they say....& deny - I will know in weak moments/in the heat of passion, they will probably sleep together still.

When both are lonely who knows what can happen??

[Anonymous]

Maybe if it were shown that there really was a separation but I wouldn't expect anything serious to happen until the ink is dry on the divorce decree. So you will likely get a lot of pump and dumps and I don't mean penny stock trading.

I don't blame men or women who would just steer 100% clear, though, and neither should you.

[Anonymous]

Nesting (something where the non-custodial spouse has a place to crash while the custodial spouse lives in the old family home can work during the separation process and might be more palatable for potential date partners. BUT at some point someone is going to want something other than this and if the ex-wife keeps demanding "they spend ${Holday} 'as a family'" that will crash and burn.

But in the short term (especially when waiting out year to finalized divorce, the first 6-12 months after the divorce is final, the youngest is in 10th grade, or there is some concrete thing happening in 3-5 years) nesting might work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I called it quits more than a year ago, but haven’t made any move to separate legally because of a complicated situation with our kids that has now been resolved. Neither of us has retained a lawyer yet. We sleep in separate bedrooms, but still share the master bathroom. We had planned that he would move out at the end of this month, but he just found out that his contract isn’t being renewed and he doesn’t have another job lined up, so I’m not sure how that will play out. We just spent the holidays together and the two of us are planning a huge international trip together with the kids for this coming summer.

And yet, he has been seeing someone the last few months. Most nights, he doesn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning, but he does always come home. I’ve been wondering what woman would settle for that. I have no idea what he tells women about his marital status. When my parents visited a couple months ago, he thought he was going to sleep in the same bed with me. I had him sleep in the basement, but seriously, would you want to date my husband under these circumstances???

Depends. I've seen women stay with a guy for years hoping he'll change somehow and I've seen women string guys along for months - all they want is free dinner/date stuff and the occasional boning (there's probably several women whose ideal frequency is under 1x a week that could live with that). But when someone "better" comes along - poof, they're gone.

[Anonymous]

The guy you’re dating doesn’t *have* to do anything, op. He isn’t going through a separation if he is still living in the marital home.
My honest opinion is that this generation has figured out the lingo that works so they can get laid and hang onto whatever they think they want, very much the way the 1970’s folks would say “my wife doesn’t understand”

Our generation accepts the “I have to stay for finantial reasons” because of the 2008 meltdown, and we all have someone we know who got screwed based on that.

We are primed to accept the “I have to stay for the kids” because shortly before 2008, we had 9/11, and we all learned that terribly sad things can happen to us.
I think those two experiences have got our generation ready to accept anything if someone we like uses “kids” or “money” as a rationale.

Know too that honesty does not earn someone a place in your life, your heart, your bed, your wallet. Honesty doesn’t mean you have to deal with someone.

If you continue to see this guy, know that you are investing time and energy in a married man. He will not be free to take you away for long weekends, spend the night at your place, introduce you to his friends or share g-rated activities with you. You will not be free to be proud of him and to publicly convey this to him. If he kicks butt at a golf tournament, you may hear about it, but you will not be able to sit in the audience and smile adoringly at him. If this doesn’t matter to you, the lack of support is often what causes people who work in the intelligence community or undercover to have problems in their marriages. There is just know good way for a loving partner, even a spouse, to say “I love the work that you do/did and I want to share in your joy”

Know that the world doesn’t care how you feel about this man, or how he feels about you. You will be “the mistress” the homewrecker” the chump who settled for a married man”. If he dies, you will not be able to grieve publicly for him. If he and his wife decide they want to close their marriage, you won’t even have the sympathy most women get when a relationship ends.

I would honestly think about why you’d want to date this person given his circumstances. Think about what you wanted as a teenager, I bet it wasn’t “When Billy and I get done riding all the roller coasters at the fair, we’ll get ice cream, he’ll drop me off, kiss me good-night, then he’ll go home to his… wife!” Most of our fantasies about guys involve them going home to their mom or coming in with us, but never them going home to a wife, no matter how much of a witch that woman is”.
I’d suggest you read Gone With The Wind, it’s a great book for conveying the emotional impact of just such a path. Think too about what you do with your time and energy when he is home with his family. Do you want to date other men? How will you or they feel when he texts you during a special moment with one of those guys? How will you explain the relationship? How would you feel if a nice guy dumped you because of your ongoing relationship with this married man you think is so wonderful? Will you remain alone waiting for him to find time for you?

Look too at the nature of the dates with you. Where does he want to go, and what does he want to do? Be careful of dates involving bars, he may have an alcohol problem and is looking to you as a means to make his problem appear acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a fool, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The guy you’re dating doesn’t *have* to do anything, op. He isn’t going through a separation if he is still living in the marital home.
My honest opinion is that this generation has figured out the lingo that works so they can get laid and hang onto whatever they think they want, very much the way the 1970’s folks would say “my wife doesn’t understand”

Our generation accepts the “I have to stay for finantial reasons” because of the 2008 meltdown, and we all have someone we know who got screwed based on that.

We are primed to accept the “I have to stay for the kids” because shortly before 2008, we had 9/11, and we all learned that terribly sad things can happen to us.
I think those two experiences have got our generation ready to accept anything if someone we like uses “kids” or “money” as a rationale.

Know too that honesty does not earn someone a place in your life, your heart, your bed, your wallet. Honesty doesn’t mean you have to deal with someone.

If you continue to see this guy, know that you are investing time and energy in a married man. He will not be free to take you away for long weekends, spend the night at your place, introduce you to his friends or share g-rated activities with you. You will not be free to be proud of him and to publicly convey this to him. If he kicks butt at a golf tournament, you may hear about it, but you will not be able to sit in the audience and smile adoringly at him. If this doesn’t matter to you, the lack of support is often what causes people who work in the intelligence community or undercover to have problems in their marriages. There is just know good way for a loving partner, even a spouse, to say “I love the work that you do/did and I want to share in your joy”

Know that the world doesn’t care how you feel about this man, or how he feels about you. You will be “the mistress” the homewrecker” the chump who settled for a married man”. If he dies, you will not be able to grieve publicly for him. If he and his wife decide they want to close their marriage, you won’t even have the sympathy most women get when a relationship ends.

I would honestly think about why you’d want to date this person given his circumstances. Think about what you wanted as a teenager, I bet it wasn’t “When Billy and I get done riding all the roller coasters at the fair, we’ll get ice cream, he’ll drop me off, kiss me good-night, then he’ll go home to his… wife!” Most of our fantasies about guys involve them going home to their mom or coming in with us, but never them going home to a wife, no matter how much of a witch that woman is”.
I’d suggest you read Gone With The Wind, it’s a great book for conveying the emotional impact of just such a path. Think too about what you do with your time and energy when he is home with his family. Do you want to date other men? How will you or they feel when he texts you during a special moment with one of those guys? How will you explain the relationship? How would you feel if a nice guy dumped you because of your ongoing relationship with this married man you think is so wonderful? Will you remain alone waiting for him to find time for you?

Look too at the nature of the dates with you. Where does he want to go, and what does he want to do? Be careful of dates involving bars, he may have an alcohol problem and is looking to you as a means to make his problem appear acceptable.

This is on point.

OP take two steps back and ask yourself if you'd advise a friend to get into this morass. There's your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Too messy, and suggests a lack of either financial stability or real interest in divorce.

+1.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The guy you’re dating doesn’t *have* to do anything, op. He isn’t going through a separation if he is still living in the marital home.
My honest opinion is that this generation has figured out the lingo that works so they can get laid and hang onto whatever they think they want, very much the way the 1970’s folks would say “my wife doesn’t understand”

Our generation accepts the “I have to stay for finantial reasons” because of the 2008 meltdown, and we all have someone we know who got screwed based on that.

We are primed to accept the “I have to stay for the kids” because shortly before 2008, we had 9/11, and we all learned that terribly sad things can happen to us.
I think those two experiences have got our generation ready to accept anything if someone we like uses “kids” or “money” as a rationale.

Know too that honesty does not earn someone a place in your life, your heart, your bed, your wallet. Honesty doesn’t mean you have to deal with someone.

If you continue to see this guy, know that you are investing time and energy in a married man. He will not be free to take you away for long weekends, spend the night at your place, introduce you to his friends or share g-rated activities with you. You will not be free to be proud of him and to publicly convey this to him. If he kicks butt at a golf tournament, you may hear about it, but you will not be able to sit in the audience and smile adoringly at him. If this doesn’t matter to you, the lack of support is often what causes people who work in the intelligence community or undercover to have problems in their marriages. There is just know good way for a loving partner, even a spouse, to say “I love the work that you do/did and I want to share in your joy”

Know that the world doesn’t care how you feel about this man, or how he feels about you. You will be “the mistress” the homewrecker” the chump who settled for a married man”. If he dies, you will not be able to grieve publicly for him. If he and his wife decide they want to close their marriage, you won’t even have the sympathy most women get when a relationship ends.

I would honestly think about why you’d want to date this person given his circumstances. Think about what you wanted as a teenager, I bet it wasn’t “When Billy and I get done riding all the roller coasters at the fair, we’ll get ice cream, he’ll drop me off, kiss me good-night, then he’ll go home to his… wife!” Most of our fantasies about guys involve them going home to their mom or coming in with us, but never them going home to a wife, no matter how much of a witch that woman is”.
I’d suggest you read Gone With The Wind, it’s a great book for conveying the emotional impact of just such a path. Think too about what you do with your time and energy when he is home with his family. Do you want to date other men? How will you or they feel when he texts you during a special moment with one of those guys? How will you explain the relationship? How would you feel if a nice guy dumped you because of your ongoing relationship with this married man you think is so wonderful? Will you remain alone waiting for him to find time for you?

Look too at the nature of the dates with you. Where does he want to go, and what does he want to do? Be careful of dates involving bars, he may have an alcohol problem and is looking to you as a means to make his problem appear acceptable.

Wrong: if there is a signed property settlement agreement outlining all terms of the divorce and finances are separated, they are separated—even if still
Living temporarily in the same house. People have no idea how difficult it is to figure out housing when you have school-age kids and do not want to move them and there is no housing inventory or apartments in a high-income area. Parents who to be close to their kids. It can be difficult to deal with housing. It takes time to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this with a woman. She was hot. She got her own plaice after a year. We continued to date very seriously. The one thing that happened that gives me pause is when she officially finished her custody piece that had been brewing for three years, and the litigation pressure was off, our relationship changed and we ultimately went separate ways.

Sad a little for the loss, but I’ll say it was worth it. I got him emotional benefits from it as well (in addition to the hot sex), which helped me in other ways.

Why did the relationship change after all matters were resolved?

Not sure. I reflect on it. I think maybe the pressure kept her more into me. Then when the pressure was off she felt more open to do her own thing. Or who knows really, maybe the timing was coincidental and we were headed to break up eventually anyway.

As relevant here, I am happy I dated this separated woman who was co located for about a year. There were no games. They separated in place for legal reasons.

[Anonymous]

I met a guy online and he admitted this was his situation. I refused to date him. It was a pity because we clicked via messages and phone calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who was going through marital separation but for financial reasons had to still with their spouse? The person was open and honest about the situation. Each spouse has been dating other people, and sometimes get picked up at the marital home for dates, etc. You and the person have a lot in common and have really hit it off.

No. My opinion is based on several couples I know who have been in this situation and all three of them ended up having sex at some point even though they were in "committed relationships" with others. I think divorce is a process and it takes time to emotionally detach. It's tough to do that with your ex-spouse in your face and in the same house late at night when you are feeling low or have had a few drinks. I wouldn't advise it OP, but I wish you all the best.