Involved grandparents nearby is such a gamechanger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. You make sacrifices, but it’s worth it.

We are not moving back to our home country just for that, but it's nice that some people can make it happen.

[Anonymous]

I think about this all the time. I have to sah to cover childcare as my husband occasionally has to work overnights and weekends. My prior career would require overnights and weekends and the likelihood of finding any sort of sitter at those hours is very low were we to need to work at the same time. Not being able to just send them to stay with Grandma during those times when our jobs may overlap is literally costing us basically my entire salary (75k) a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is very close, and it's wonderful, but most of the time it's very much a two way street. They'll keep the kids so we can have a date night, and DH will go and clean their gutters or change the oil on their car Right now, because one of our kids is very ill, they're helping us more than we're helping them, but there have been other seasons that have been different. About 2 years ago, one of them had a major surgery, and DH and I spent nights at the hospital, took them to every follow up appointment, brought them meals, etc. . . .

That is what you are supposed to do because you are family. The care of your elderly parents is still your responsibility as is the care of your kids. You think the neighbors should look after your parents?

Well yes, that’s my point that a good relationship is a two way street. I feel like you are misreading my post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is very close, and it's wonderful, but most of the time it's very much a two way street. They'll keep the kids so we can have a date night, and DH will go and clean their gutters or change the oil on their car Right now, because one of our kids is very ill, they're helping us more than we're helping them, but there have been other seasons that have been different. About 2 years ago, one of them had a major surgery, and DH and I spent nights at the hospital, took them to every follow up appointment, brought them meals, etc. . . .

That is what you are supposed to do because you are family. The care of your elderly parents is still your responsibility as is the care of your kids. You think the neighbors should look after your parents?

Well yes, that’s my point that a good relationship is a two way street. I feel like you are misreading my post.

You come across as complaining about what you do for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is very close, and it's wonderful, but most of the time it's very much a two way street. They'll keep the kids so we can have a date night, and DH will go and clean their gutters or change the oil on their car Right now, because one of our kids is very ill, they're helping us more than we're helping them, but there have been other seasons that have been different. About 2 years ago, one of them had a major surgery, and DH and I spent nights at the hospital, took them to every follow up appointment, brought them meals, etc. . . .

Keep in mind that some of us do these things for our local family with very little of the benefit for us. We get babysitting maybe four times a year, and that’s pretty much it. When my mom had cancer, I took her to many appointments, managed the aftercare for being in the hospital, etc., despite having a full-time job and a local sibling who did nothing.

I think the other thing that people forget is how much financial help it can be. Free childcare is one extreme, but there’s the dinners out, gifts, paying for trips, etc., that really adds up. We have SO many friends whose parents pay for family trips, will spot them a few hundred in cash just because, etc. It’s mind-blowing.

You are really a POS.

[Anonymous]

Overrated

[Anonymous]

It’s great if your parents or ILs are healthy and well-adjusted. My parents have a toxic relationship and constantly fight and I don’t want my child exposed to that, so while they are local, I limit their interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even when your kids are in HS, it's really wonderful for them to know their grandparents and be able to see them for more frequent and shorter visits. My parents are in California and we don't get to see them very often. When we do go, the visits can actually be more stressful because we all have such high expectations. OTOH, my husband's parents are 20 minutes away, so we see them often -- they can catch a game of meet for one of the kids or meet us for an impromptu dinner -- and the stakes don't feel as high. If somebody's feeling tired or needs to cut out early to do HW, we can do that without causing hurt feelings or disappointment. DH and I have actually discussed moving to be near our kids when they start families of their own.

What would you do if one kid lived in Seattle and the other kid in Miami? And both started having kids of their own around the same time?

As someone who has grown kids, one newly married-the answer is I Don't Know! I mean I guess I'd be more likely to move near my daughter, assuming she'd need my help as a mom, and that son's (he's not married) wife would have her own mom or family.

But really, I just hope the kids all stay nearby!

How sad for your son you will not support him but will your daughter. I hope your daughter is the one going to take care of you in your old age.

I didn't say I would not support him. I'm saying I assume that his wife want her own mom/family to be more involved. I don't want to be 'that' MIL who takes over.

What does this even mean? Wouldn't both your kids and both their spouses equally want their own family to be involved? I mean, aside from breastfeeding advice and recovering from childbirth, why do the genders matter here? Unless you're one of those old-fashioned types who believes that there's something about parenting that is more the mother's responsibility than the father's, which is pretty ridiculous and sexist in my opinion...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So jealous. My mom is deceased, Dad lives out of town and isn’t helpful. Inlaws are local and friendly enough but not interested in kids.

I know people with TWO sets of helpful grandparents!

Are you suggesting thatnshe died just to spite you and not be your maid, babysitter? Your in-laws reared their children and you should rear yours. They owe you nothing!

Yikes.
The poster said that the inlaws are friendly but "not interested in kids." That's pretty sad.
It IS enviable when a family has grandparents living close by who are invested and interested in their grandchildren!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is very close, and it's wonderful, but most of the time it's very much a two way street. They'll keep the kids so we can have a date night, and DH will go and clean their gutters or change the oil on their car Right now, because one of our kids is very ill, they're helping us more than we're helping them, but there have been other seasons that have been different. About 2 years ago, one of them had a major surgery, and DH and I spent nights at the hospital, took them to every follow up appointment, brought them meals, etc. . . .

That is what you are supposed to do because you are family. The care of your elderly parents is still your responsibility as is the care of your kids. You think the neighbors should look after your parents?

Well yes, that’s my point that a good relationship is a two way street. I feel like you are misreading my post.

You come across as complaining about what you do for them.

That is not how I intended it to come across. Frankly the first draft I wrote was pretty judgmental of people who were describing what seemed like one way relationships, but I erased it because I didn’t mean to judge, just to say that I was surprised not to see more families like mine posting.

I probably feel a little defensive because we are in a season where we are definitely on the receiving end more than the giving end. So maybe I was reminding myself that when I’ve been in a position to give or they’ve been a position to need more help, it has worked a different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. You make sacrifices, but it’s worth it.

What sacrifices do you make for free help?!

They are small issues.

There are frequent dropins and comments about every little decision we make. They can undermine our parenting at times. There are annoying little quirks each individual has themat you just accept and deal with.

Other sacrifices are career related. You do need to curtail the ambition a bit, can’t take just any offer that comes along, but both dh and I are okay with that. For others it would be a bigger deal.

Generally tho the grandparents mean well and are a great support. They are kind and caring people who bend over backwards for us and for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So jealous. My mom is deceased, Dad lives out of town and isn’t helpful. Inlaws are local and friendly enough but not interested in kids.

I know people with TWO sets of helpful grandparents!

That was my experience as well. I've always been so envious.

My kids too. They hear about grandparents buying their friends Ugg boots for Xmas, Grandpa taking them to a Wizards game, Grandma and Grandpa coming to their sporting events and having their own cheering section, etc. Mine never had that (they're teens now).

Mine neither. My mom will fly to her boyfriend's grandkids events to make him happy but hasn't been to one meet, practice or recital for my kids. Its really sad. My kids just stopped caring and don't want to see her as she has a clear preference for those kids and the comments she makes are really upsetting.

Similar boat. My kids are older (teens) but my father in law (widowed) married a woman with grandchildren of similar age. Every year they visit HER grandkids for holidays, birthdays, etc. But can't make it to my kids "once in a life time" events (high school graduation, confirmation, etc.) because HER grandkid's have a soccer game, or whatever "15 times every year" event they have going on.

You moron —blame the FIL. She is doing what she supposed to do – spend time with her grandkids. He is just as capable as making time to spend time with his grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I was always so jealous of those multi-generational Blue Bloods family dinners. How Nikki could vent to her Grandpa when she was fighting with her Mom, how the Mom could go to him as well for advice. Having another person to talk to and ask for counsel and to look out for your kids is such a big help, especially in this day and age. Not that grandparents who live far away can’t do it, but it’s so different when you interact with them on a daily or weekly basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So jealous. My mom is deceased, Dad lives out of town and isn’t helpful. Inlaws are local and friendly enough but not interested in kids.

I know people with TWO sets of helpful grandparents!

That was my experience as well. I've always been so envious.

My kids too. They hear about grandparents buying their friends Ugg boots for Xmas, Grandpa taking them to a Wizards game, Grandma and Grandpa coming to their sporting events and having their own cheering section, etc. Mine never had that (they're teens now).

Mine neither. My mom will fly to her boyfriend's grandkids events to make him happy but hasn't been to one meet, practice or recital for my kids. Its really sad. My kids just stopped caring and don't want to see her as she has a clear preference for those kids and the comments she makes are really upsetting.

Similar boat. My kids are older (teens) but my father in law (widowed) married a woman with grandchildren of similar age. Every year they visit HER grandkids for holidays, birthdays, etc. But can't make it to my kids "once in a life time" events (high school graduation, confirmation, etc.) because HER grandkid's have a soccer game, or whatever "15 times every year" event they have going on.

You moron —blame the FIL. She is doing what she supposed to do – spend time with her grandkids. He is just as capable as making time to spend time with his grandkids.

You must have some hell of a miserable life for you to call a stranger a "moron" like that. I hope you feel better now.

I don't "blame" my step MIL. I somewhat blame my FIL for ignoring his own grandkids (He's the same with my husband's siblings and their children) but mostly I blame my Dh for not even saying anything to his Dad about how hurtful it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family is very close, and it's wonderful, but most of the time it's very much a two way street. They'll keep the kids so we can have a date night, and DH will go and clean their gutters or change the oil on their car Right now, because one of our kids is very ill, they're helping us more than we're helping them, but there have been other seasons that have been different. About 2 years ago, one of them had a major surgery, and DH and I spent nights at the hospital, took them to every follow up appointment, brought them meals, etc. . . .

Keep in mind that some of us do these things for our local family with very little of the benefit for us. We get babysitting maybe four times a year, and that’s pretty much it. When my mom had cancer, I took her to many appointments, managed the aftercare for being in the hospital, etc., despite having a full-time job and a local sibling who did nothing.

I think the other thing that people forget is how much financial help it can be. Free childcare is one extreme, but there’s the dinners out, gifts, paying for trips, etc., that really adds up. We have SO many friends whose parents pay for family trips, will spot them a few hundred in cash just because, etc. It’s mind-blowing.

You are really a POS.

Why? Because I get very little from my local family and am frustrated by that? That makes me human.