How did you get your partner to understand a bedtime routine for your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that twice a week you are going to the gym at bedtime and once a week, you're joining a new bookclub (even if it's just you reading a book in a coffee shop). He's on his own until he figures this out. You are a crutch. He's an ass.

I do think two adults doing bedtime is a bit overkill. We split kitchen duty vs. bedtime. Since Dh traveled some, I usually took kitchen duty while he did bedtime.

He will never figure it out. She'll come back from gym or the bookclub at 10pm and the kids will be awake with their street clothes still on. Then OP will have to spend another hour doing bedtime by herself, and will still have the dishes & lunch to do.

Ask me how I know. I really wish I didn't know!

OP the ONLY answer is therapy.

My DH did that one time when I had to work late. I came home to my toddler watching tv at 9pm and he said “She refuses to go to sleep!” I smiled, gave her a big hug and said “Remember how mommy said she was going to come home after you were asleep? Well I just wanted to give you a hug and I’m going back to work!” I smiled at my DH and walked right out the front door.

I ignored all my DHs desperate texts. His angry texts. His threatening texts. Everything. We have a video monitor so I went to Starbucks for a couple hours and made sure to check if my daughter was asleep. At 11pm, I checked into a hotel and sent him a text saying if he was going to keep the toddler up all night, he was also going to deal with the consequences of a cranky kid in the morning. He was alone with the kid and he had to deal. I think he ended up calling in sick the next morning, he was so miserable. He was over an hour late to drop off. I went to work and picked up my kid from daycare as normal.

We had an epic fight that evening. He was angry that I didn’t come help him. I was pissed he had taken such sh*tty care of our daughter. I told him if he wanted me to handle all the childcare, he needed to Man up and double his salary and I’d be willing to be a SAHM. If he didn’t want to do that then he needed to man up and take care of his own kid. The third option is we get divorced and he has to take care of the baby alone half the time. At the time, I had a weekly work commitment where I’d be home at 9pm. I told him i was going to go to the gym another night and he’d be on his own for bedtime twice a week. He had late nights a few nights a week too. If I hadn’t put my foot down, I would have been stuck doing all the childcare while my DH said “Aw shucks! I don’t know how to do it, I guess you have to everything!”

you have ovaries of steel lady. good for you! I wonder if my relationship would have survived if I had been more like you. unfortunately, I don't think so. My DH is very aggressive/petulant, so a confrontation like that would have must made him go apesh*t, and not actually created change.

[Anonymous]

My husband wasn't great during tubbie time except for drying them off and into their PJ's. He was very good at reading to them. I can't fathom having a husband who would not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title really says it all, but I am really struggling with my DH during this time. We have set a routine of bath, pjs, teeth brushing, books, bed. We have a 3 and 4 year old. He never helps at all. What does he do? Brushes his own teeth, takes the laundry downstairs, goes to another room to lay down. We have talked about that I need his help, but he just can"t do it. Makes bedtime so stressful and I am resentful. He has agreed that the routine is important, but he won't engage. It just makes me so angry and disappointed.

This might not be entirely planned on your husband's side, it might be that he is just following his routines and he can not break them
and the reason he does not see how difficult it is for you and that he is needed might be the combination of rigidity towards routines
and mind blindness that is flagship traits of Aspies. Check out the pages 77 and 78 in this book.. use Look inside option that is above the picture
once the page fully loads and you might see similarities...
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439189749/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[Anonymous]

Lack of empathy = Aspie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that twice a week you are going to the gym at bedtime and once a week, you're joining a new bookclub (even if it's just you reading a book in a coffee shop). He's on his own until he figures this out. You are a crutch. He's an ass.

I do think two adults doing bedtime is a bit overkill. We split kitchen duty vs. bedtime. Since Dh traveled some, I usually took kitchen duty while he did bedtime.

He will never figure it out. She'll come back from gym or the bookclub at 10pm and the kids will be awake with their street clothes still on. Then OP will have to spend another hour doing bedtime by herself, and will still have the dishes & lunch to do.

Ask me how I know. I really wish I didn't know!

OP the ONLY answer is therapy.

My DH did that one time when I had to work late. I came home to my toddler watching tv at 9pm and he said “She refuses to go to sleep!” I smiled, gave her a big hug and said “Remember how mommy said she was going to come home after you were asleep? Well I just wanted to give you a hug and I’m going back to work!” I smiled at my DH and walked right out the front door.

I ignored all my DHs desperate texts. His angry texts. His threatening texts. Everything. We have a video monitor so I went to Starbucks for a couple hours and made sure to check if my daughter was asleep. At 11pm, I checked into a hotel and sent him a text saying if he was going to keep the toddler up all night, he was also going to deal with the consequences of a cranky kid in the morning. He was alone with the kid and he had to deal. I think he ended up calling in sick the next morning, he was so miserable. He was over an hour late to drop off. I went to work and picked up my kid from daycare as normal.

We had an epic fight that evening. He was angry that I didn’t come help him. I was pissed he had taken such sh*tty care of our daughter. I told him if he wanted me to handle all the childcare, he needed to Man up and double his salary and I’d be willing to be a SAHM. If he didn’t want to do that then he needed to man up and take care of his own kid. The third option is we get divorced and he has to take care of the baby alone half the time. At the time, I had a weekly work commitment where I’d be home at 9pm. I told him i was going to go to the gym another night and he’d be on his own for bedtime twice a week. He had late nights a few nights a week too. If I hadn’t put my foot down, I would have been stuck doing all the childcare while my DH said “Aw shucks! I don’t know how to do it, I guess you have to everything!”

dang - you are awesome. How is DH with the kid(s) now? How is your relationship. This is really a good role-model situation on how to stay strong and think long-term about your marriage and parenting approach. I think too many women throw their hands up and say that there isn't any other way but for them to do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't have a conversation with your husband about an issue like this - and have a give and take, where you hear and listen to his rationale, and have him hear and listen to yours - I would consider seeing a marriage counselor.

Yes. Also, there’s no shame in going to a counselor. Sometimes it’s hard to talk through these things without a counselor to guide the conversation. Setting an appointment with a counselor can also make your DH realize how important this is to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine. Counseling is a good idea. Your DH has failed to grow up.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need counseling. There is no “how to ask” here. Mine just does bedtime (and cooks, does laundry, etc.). His mom worked and he grew up pitching in. I also work and if he wasn’t down with that I wouldn’t have married him.

[Anonymous]

I do bedtime; he does morning routine.
Barter with him. Perhaps he just hates bedtime routines. I hate morning routines but DH loves to make eggs and whatnot, so he has at it.
I love to read with the kids so I do bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just make DH leave the house during bedtime. He's so disruptive that the kids always end up sobbing when he's around

Some of you all have some messed up marriages!

Here's what you do:

Teach your DH the routine and accept that he may wish to do things differently, not your problem.

You leave and come back only when you know the kids are in bed asleep. Praise your husband and have sex and/or bring him back a special treat he likes.

Repeat at least 3x per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you capable of getting two kids to bed? 12 yr old babysitters can do this routine.

I think you forgot to read the part where she has a DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you say “hey Brad can you do bedtime while I wash dishes” or “hey Chet can you get Larlo into his PJs” Or whatever...what happens? I’m having trouble imagining exactly how this goes down.

He won't do it. That is what is going on here. I ask him, he knows I need help. I wake up in the middle of the night to do the dishes and make lunches. He knows this and does not care.

Why would you stay married to someone like this? Clearly he doesn't love or respect you, or he wouldn't treat you like that. Marriage counseling if you think there's any chance of him changing, otherwise straight to divorce.