Have you ever made your wife cry?

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10/02/2019 20:25

Subject: Have you ever made your wife cry?

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Anonymous

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he made me cry. We were both dealing with a stillbirth. I was grieving and had serious hormonal stuff on top of all that. He was dealing with it by trying to not grieve and use logic to make me feel better. There were tears, lots of tears because of the horrible logical unfeeling things he was saying.

he was trying to help you. it's a terrible thing to go thru but i wouldn't put this on HIM.

I wasn't saying it was intentional. But after the 5th time you've made your wife cry, you'd think he'd learn. It took a gigantic blow up fight for him to understand what I needed.

Looking back, you still think he deserved it?

Do you mean did we need to have the gigantic blow up fight. No I don't think a fight was necessary. But after being very clear what I needed "Just hold me while I cry" and him telling my all the logical reasons that I didn't need to cry and crying was just making me feel bad and it was illogical to do something that made you feel bad, Yes, we needed it. And Yes he deserved it. I'm not one to make my husband guess what I needed. I told him. I told him while calm. I told him while I was upset. I told him. He was trying to convince me that it wasn't what I needed. And if I just did it his way I wouldn't feel sad anymore.

And I was a mess for about 2 months and got through the worst of it. DH's grief came out at weird times over the next couple of years and he'd take it out on me. And 4 years later, he still can't talk about it without getting upset. So his strategy of just not dealing with it has just dragged out the grieving process.

You didn't give him chance to grieve. You made it all about you and only you.

I have no idea why I'm engaging in this with you. I did give him a chance to grieve. But he didn't think grieving was necessary because he logically thought of all the reasons being sad and grieving was unnecessary. He wanted the entire experience to be done and over like a week after it happened. And to never talk about it again. I would've welcomed him grieving. I would have felt less alone while going through it.

Dp. I am a grieving parent, experienced a similar situation with my ex-husband. His internalized anger, sadness, grief and frustration is unfamiliar because he avoids it. So he had a different difficulty in coping. I’d simply never felt a loss of myself, my soul, so great before. My heart literally broke. Even then I communicated. Our marriage didn’t survive, my soul felt like it was darkening. I started to post earlier but didn’t want to make it about me. But I couldn’t hide my tears - he literally told me to not let anyone know about a miscarriage, and was unsupportive in a subsequent pregnancy that resulted in a separation and one week move out because I couldn’t get him to stop yelling at me. During more than one year of unemployment, which he also hid from everyone. It was too much, I couldn’t remain healthy connected with him. My request for space was after over 10 years of clear simple pedantic and precise instructions were ignored. But when the death of our child sat on the foundation of such a poor communication structure, everything else cracked and broke. There were so many things wrong, and it was too late. My body was also breaking down, I had to go to save myself for my child. I couldn’t keep our dog, and he gave it away, when I asked him to keep it. He fought me and evaded court, filed motions and ran up legal fees to be disruptive. He didn’t pay any child support for 18 consecutive months during my daughter’s first year of life. This was after we lost an infant child and had the secret miscarriage.

So yes, he made me cry. A lot. Then shamed me for crying. I was convinced that maybe they were manipulative tears because yes something was all wrong with me and my therapy should have begun long ago from his POV, and learned to hide my pain. But I would still cry in ge closet, while I prayed, fasted, journaled, exercised, read, discussed, listened to everything to improve ME and take responsibility for my responses to lemons in life. Leaving was the last option. My ex simply wanted to destroy everything after that. He was so angry. I felt abandoned, as if everything had been an another shell of a lie and facade for others, and I’ve never lived my life that way. I could not do it. And I didn’t realize, he had tricked me into believing there was a depth there that just wasn’t with him. He had major complexity that I completely missed and was ignorant about. His response to life is no longer my concern. There are +\- on both sides, but his response is his responsibility and my response is my responsibility. I’ve accepted his nature and hope he heals. And I’m thankful for grace and the love my daughter has for such a large network of supporting and loving family and friends. I’m deeply thankful for the things that are good. It is all a process and no ones Road is better or worse, you just keep journeying!

and hopefully you have a few laughs along the way